Often my biggest enemy is my own mind. Once I start chasing that damn Rabbit down the hole of depression and unreasonable Personal analysis, the results at best are on the downside of neutral, and at worst set me up to require a heavy dose of medication or other chemical savior. I have worked with professionals on this, to talk it out and analyze it, but after years of addressing it I have no fix. The best course of action is distraction, which keeps my mind away from itself.
Last night I started ruminating on the fact that I have changed so negatively in the last decade. I used to feel alive and capable. I found things easier and was proud of the intellect that I had. I didn't necessarily feel that I had personal impetus, but I had a strong work ethic and the ability to push myself when needed. I feel as if the flesh has been melted from my bones, and all that remains is a skeleton. Now I am expected to stop being just a skeleton and grow back that flesh. As it currently stands I am unsure if this will ever be possible. There is no guarantee that I will not decide this is impossible and side with the fate of personal selfishness.
The more I work on improving and building upon myself and my life, the more I hate myself. What happens when I get to my grand end and look back upon my personal emptiness? Perhaps I torture those around me by building to that end.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here