The last few days I have sat down to write, with various ideas. and have come up short. I lack the desire and impetus to write my thoughts out. I made a poor decision on Friday that really messed up my head. It is incredibly simple and stupid, but for my oddly wired brain, it was a serious infarction.
I had a paper due on Friday that I was having significant difficulties with and knew I was not going to get done on time, and there was not allowance for late work. Friday morning I made the decision to let it go and try to focus on other work. The next couple of days were ridiculous. My decision had made more of an internal impact than I had realized. I was riddled with guilt and my skin began to crawl every time I sat down to do school work. I have not felt an anxiety attack creeping on like that in years. It scares me.
For years I have made a habit to make crappy decisions and quit things, rather than try and fail. This is a horrible, perpetuating habit that I am now battling. Right now I am struggling with a battle between my goals, academic struggles, depression, anxiety, and old shitty habits.
I have not dealt with parallel depression and anxiety for decades and I can tell you right now that I hate it. At least when I want to die, I can try to find the motivation to get up and work. But the anxiety adds a whole new dimension that includes extra physical pain.
Too.... damn.... exciting.
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here