I thought that perhaps I should introduce some better structure to this, instead of it being a haphazard smattering of thoughts. In browsing and reading other Personal blogs, I feel like mine is somewhat unpolished. This brings two thoughts to mind. First of all, is that what I really want and should I do it? And secondly, are those types of blogs as welcoming and realistic as I hope to be? And damn, some of those blogs are a mile long. I don't always want to read (or write) a novel. We shall see how it goes.
The Beginning is the End is the Beginning
When does your trouble start? Without fail, evening if I am feeling very stable, if I start to Address personal problems and think about the future, then things begin to roll downhill. These personal issues include what the future holds, what can I do to change or improve myself, will I ever be free of this depressive cycle, and many other tough thoughts. This usually dissuades me from attempting to work through problems, even though I know they have to be done. Everyone is different, but I plan on doing some of this in the upcoming week, when I have Spring break. My tools to make it as successful as possible are:
- Free time, and lots of it, but only some of it alone. I need free time to talk with my wife and other free time to distract myself with minor tasks that help my brain "defragment" so to speak.
- Space. By space, I mean more time. Time to heal and work myself out of any depression or oppressive thoughts that make their way in.
- Gentleness towards myself. I often beat myself up for my dips, which only goes to make them worse. Trying to be kind to myself really helps.
- Stick to the topics. The rabbit hole of issues and wild thoughts is no friend to anyone with mental illness. Don't follow that white rabbit.
- Utilize support. I must make sure that my wife is around for support and as an important buffer between me and myself.
- If I could I would try to reduce my responsibilities, but with kids, home, and school this really isn't that possible. It's my pipe-dream tool.
Take Some Ground
All of this is fairly general. What am I actually going to address?.... Where am I going and what am I going to do with the rest of my life? You know, just your run-of-the-mill, everyday kind of question. There is nothing big an ominous about that. I spent years languishing in depression and trying to decide what to do, until I finally got back into the game. My goal right now is medical school, so that I can help people. There is one big problem with this. I have a tug-o-war of Love and hate with people and humanity in my heart. On one hand I feel that people are compassionate and beautiful beings worthy of love and help, while another part of me views humanity as a course instrument of destruction to themselves and the planet. It really doesn't help that I do not like myself. I'd really go so far as to say that I hate myself, so part of this will need to be a personal healing. Finding love and acceptance for myself could reeeeeally help. But anytime the path to the future comes up, my mind has a hard time keeping from that rabbit hole.
To be continued . . .
This post first appeared on Somehow Forward - My Struggle With Bipolar Depression And Suicide, please read the originial post: here
