When it feels like OCD is too hard to deal with…
So, this is kind of the first time that I’m actually mentioning this or even probably talking about my OCD. Many of you didn’t even know I had OCD or what it is. Now it’s time to tell you guys about it and explain it all and what actually goes on with me. Maybe it’ll even explain why sometimes I get too slow to write or post on here.
OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder. The ways that it affects me daily are different and too many to probably count. Honestly, one minute I’ll be fine and the next I have a migraine because I’ve Constantly over thought one little detail until it was fixed. Some things that I can’t fix myself and someone else has to help me do, if it doesn’t happen automatically it’s like my brain freezes up and I get frustrated until it’s fixed and can easily be agitated. If I’m in the middle of something like cleaning, cooking, writing, drawing, and I’m distracted by someone I’ll go off on them and get these overwhelming pain and pressure in my head and it severely hurts me actually physically and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
It causes so much stress, depression, and obviously anxiety. Most of the time I’m so focused on one thing and constantly obsessing over it that I completely forget to do anything else or I’m so distracted that I just end up locking myself away from any sort of social interaction with anyone. I spent the majority of my childhood and teen years locked in my room overthinking one little thing that probably happened years ago that still bothers me today because I couldn’t fix it.
My parents noticed years back, something was different about me. I would keep my room spotless by the age of 4 and if someone would move one little thing out of place I would get extremely frustrated and annoyed until it was fixed. If I think of something that isn’t in its place or right for me then I will constantly have an ache in my head and it will constantly replay in my mind until it’s fixed.
Every relationship I’m in I obsess over every little thing and overreact about the majority of things. My ex, the thoughts and memories replay in my head over and over and over again and I obsess over things like what could happen or what ifs and think of them all day and all night long up until I force myself out of it all and Fall Asleep after forcing myself to. The only thing that seems to help me, is music.
Sure, some people say OCD is good to have because you’re so clean and everything. It’s never a good thing, it SUCKS. It’s extremely painful when it gets too overwhelming and lately I’ve felt that way. And if something gets on my mind and I obsess over it I can’t even keep or want a job I’ve been at because I’ll lose any and all motivation because my mind is stuck on that one thing and I’ll want to lock myself away. If one little thing doesn’t go right at work, I want to leave because my OCD feelings overwhelm me and it hurts to avoid listening to it. My anxiety goes through the roof if I don’t give my OCD its way. Lately I feel like it’s been worse and it’s really painful. It’s leading me into depression again and my anxiety and stress is extremely annoying. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to stop it and I don’t want to see a doctor because I don’t want to take medicine that will completely change my own actual personality like it does most. Plus, I don’t want to be officially diagnosed and be treated like a disabled person and like I can’t defeat it like it has defeated me. I don’t want to feel that way at all.
Since I started working, I hate my job half of the time but I like making my own money and being able to do things and buy myself nice things. Sometimes though, it gets painful and annoying and stressful and hard to do because my mind is way off elsewhere thinking of one little thing and a thousand different ways it could work. Honestly, I don’t know what to do half of the time. Things that help sometimes are hot bubble baths, good music, the gym, etc. Other than that everything affects me and it hurts physically to fight with it. I’m constantly in a battle with my brain to stop thinking or obsessing over it all. Everyone else can move on with their day and only have bad thoughts hit them at night and think for about 30 minutes and go to sleep. Mine are constant and I think about it all day up until I fall asleep. My nightmares are so intense also because of my OCD raising my anxiety levels through the roof. But living with OCD is a never ending nightmare for me. It’s getting too overwhelming to fight or deal with anymore and it’s taking me over. Honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s tearing me apart bit by bit and I don’t know how exactly to fight it. If you have any advice please comment? It’s a nightmare. Thank you guys for reading this and being so supportive. My blog has been a bit of actual help to me and writing this did make me feel 10 times better.
Thank you for reading loves. J
Thank you for reading loves. J