Awais Masood

(Dedicated to the memory of an eighteenth century French idiot who wrote the worst satire in history)

It was in the vast green fields of Faisalabad industrial area that Jahandad grew up and came to know the wonderful world created by Allah. Mubarak Manzil , where he lived, was located very near to the three factories also owned by his guardian Haji Sheikh Ghulam Nabi. The streams of fresh water flowing out of factories and the fumes emitted by their chimneys had turned the whole area into a tourist attraction. Therefore it was frequented by the wonderful scouts of Tableeghi Jamaat along with recruiters from Lashkar-e-Taiba, Lashkar-e-Jhangavi, Jaish-e-Muhammad, Tahreek-e-Taliban Pakistan, Tahreek-e-Taliban Punjab, Tahreek-e-Taliban Multan, Tahreek-e-Taliban Pattoki, Tahreek-e-Taliban Arain Mohalla and Tahreek-e-Taliban Ghanta Ghar.

Haji Sheikh Ghulam Nabi was a very pious and generous man. He had performed five pilgrimage in his life, never paid any tax to the vile government , frequently lost money on horse races, offered prayers five times a day and had acted as a patron for almost every prostitute within the city. He also believed in charity and hence donated regularly to a madrassa that trained children for jihad. He also believed in the equality of human beings as long as they belonged to a certain class. Hence all of his servants wore similar rags and lived in identical servant quarters. He believed in the right of a woman to be forced to wear a burka and to be coerced into a marital rape. His firm belief in the Doctrine of Separation between Religion and Business ensured that no part of his income from a thirty percent share in the best brothel within the city ever went to fund a madrassa.

Jahandad had an eventful childhood. One of the fondest memories from that period included participating in a mob lynching at the age of twelve. The man was accused of blasphemy by a maternal cousin of a paternal uncle of a friend of an aunt of a neighbor who claimed that the accused went to the toilet exactly at the same time when the local imam started his Friday sermon. He was dragged out of his house, flogged, whipped, canned, kicked, punched, stoned and hanged. Jahandad had the fun of his life pelting stones and dancing with joy around the corpse. Later it was found that the accused actually came out of the toilet exactly five seconds before the sermon started. The local mullah declared that being innocent he would be granted great pleasures in heaven which would include six hundred palaces, two hundred gardens, four hundred horses and eight hundred houris. Despite these heavenly delights, his family was also compensated with five suits of original Alkaram latha, one cow and an amount of six thousand, four hundred and twenty three rupees as blood money. Everybody was quite happy that it was all settled according to the laws of land and sharia which ensured a peaceful and just society.

Jahandad was told that Sheikh Ghulam Nabi was his distant relative who took care of him after his parents died. Though Jahandad also heard that he was a son of a real life sister of Sheikh Sahab and she was found dead in mysterious circumstances. Jahandad did not care much as long as he was allowed to live in Muabark Manzil along with the family of Sheikh Sahab. It was said that no adult male other than Sheikh Ghulam Nabi had ever seen the faces of his wife and daugther. It was indeed true and nobody other than her five lovers had actually seen his wife. It is needless to mention that Sheikh Sahab had no clue about them and the extent to which they had seen Begum Sheikh Ghulam Nabi.

Sheikh Ghulam Nabi was much concerned about the spiritual well-being of his children. Therefore he and Sheikh Sahab’s daughter, Jehan Ara, had been tutored by the same mystic named Majid Ali Majid. Majid was an ugly little man who taught that destiny reigned supreme and man was bound to a predestined fate known as taqdeer. It was thus in the taqdeer of Haji Ghulam Nabi to own factories, remain rich, kick the workers at his factories and perform umrah every month. On the other hand, the workers at his factories were destined to remain poor. It was the will of Allah that ran the markets and hence any interference by the government to control them and hinder Sheikh Sahab from becoming richer was against nature, Allah and Islam. Jahandad was much fond of him and his intelligence.

One day, while seeking an old lost item in some least frequented portions of house, Jehan Ara saw Majid teaching the laws of natural destiny to a servant of the house. The passion with which Majid taught the girl lessons in destiny and fate evoked some latent emotions within Jehan Ara’s heart. What she saw was unbearable for her. She, being daughter of the master of the house, considered it her right to explore fate and destiny first instead of a filthy little servant. She went looking for Jahandad and on finding him strolling around the lawn took him by the hand, brought him to a corner and exposed all five toes of her left foot, a sight that left Jahandad thunderstruck and speechless. Unfortunately Sheikh Sahab, who was at home due to some unknown reasons, came across the scene. He grabbed his daughter’s hand, slapped her, punched her and then locked her in a dark room. He then grabbed Jahandad by the neck,  kicked, punched, canned and whipped him and then threw him out of the house. Jahandad had no money in his pocket and no idea where to go. The only thing that struck into his mind was to go to the nearest mosque where he hoped to find a meal or two for free. It was during the very first night within the mosque that Jahandad met some of the most amazing men in his life and started a new journey of life.

Next: How Jahandad went to Raiwind with his Tableeghi comrades and met Hamid Gul