Sometimes, after a few drinks, you want to say something funny, but the beer kicks in and you can’t think of anything. Fortunately for you, many appreciators of alcoholic beverages have come before you and said some pretty smart and witty things about drinks. Here are 103 funny drinking quotes that will have the room buzzing.
- “Trust me: You can dance – Alcohol.” — Unknown
- “Responsible Drinking? Now that’s an oxymoron.” ― Aaron Howard
- “If life gives you lemons, Add VODKA.” — Unknown
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?” – Stephen Wright
- “I followed my heart & It led me to ALCOHOL.” — Unknown
- “A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.” – Charlie Chaplin
- “Step Aside COFFEE This is a Job for ALCOHOL” — Unknown
- “Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.” — Seneca
- “Not to get technical, But according to chemistry ALCOHOL is a solution.” — Unknown
- “I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been over served.” ― George Gobel
Giphy - “Always buy a bigger bottle than you think You’ll need. Better to be safe than sober.” — Unknown
- “People are not addicted to Alcohol or drugs, They are addicted to escaping reality.” — Unknown
- “Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.” — G.K. Chesterton
- “Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean: against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ugly people.” — Unknown
- “The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.” ― William Butler Yeats
- “Always do sober what you said you’d do when you were drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut!” — Ernest Hemingway
- “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” — Unknown
- “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” — Unknown
- “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” — Unknown
- “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.” — Unknown
- “Either give me more wine or leave me alone.”- Rumi
- “Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.” — Unknown
- “Nothing lasts forever so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off.” — Unknown
- “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C Fields
- “Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.”- F. Scott Fitzgerald
- “I drink wine because my doctor said I shouldn’t keep things bottled up.” — Unknown
- “Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” — Pope John XXIII
- “I drink alcohol to drown my problems, unfortunately my problems are damn good swimmers.” — Unknown
- “A bottle of wine contains more philosophy that all the books in the world.”- Louis Pasteur
- “This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.”- Samuel Johnson
- “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”- Joan Collins
- “Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”- Steve Martin
- “I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” — Unknown
- “If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton, this way my friends will know I am missing.” — Unknown
CBS - “The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.” — Unknown
- “War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.”- William Faulkner
- “Drink today, and drown all sorrow; you shall perhaps not do tomorrow.” -John Fletcher
- “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.”― Jerry Vale
- “I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” – Winston Churchill
- “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” – W.C. Fields
- “Drinking after work is fine, but if you really want to enjoy working then drink before work.” — Unknown
- “I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.”- Brendan Behan
- “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” — Unknown
- “Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.” – Lord Byron
- “I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.” – George Best
- “An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”- Ernest Hemingway
- “I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year’s eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.” — Unknown
- “The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.” — Unknown
- “A man is a fool is he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn’t afterward.”- Frank Lloyd Wright
- “I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.” — Unknown
- “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” ― George F. Burns
- “He was a wise man who invented beer.” – Plato
- “Don’t cry over spilled milk…it could have been beer!” — Unknown
- “Let’s have a beer together, you can open it and I will drink it.” — Unknown
- “Beer doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you need to drink lots of it.” — Unknown
NBC - “Home is where the wine is.” — Unknown
- “A drunk man never tells a lie.” — Unknown
- “I swear to Drunk, I’m not God!” — Unknown
- “Act single, see double, drink triple.” — Unknown
- “You look like I need another drink.” — Unknown
- “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.” — Unknown
- “Nothing in life is absolute — only vodka.” — Unknown
- “Because alcohol tastes better than tears.” — Unknown
- “A party without alcohol is just a meeting.” — Unknown
- “I work until beer o’clock.” – Stephen King
- “Save the earth, it’s the only planet with beer.” — Unknown
- “I said no to alcohol, but it just doesn’t listen.” — Unknown
- “I drink because I work, I work so I can drink.” — Unknown
- “Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.” — Unknown
- “To me ‘Drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.” — Unknown
- “Friday is the beginning of my liver’s work week.” — Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet… I’ve lost three days already!” — Unknown
- “He that drinks fast, pays slow.” — Benjamin Franklin
- “They say follow your heart and it led me to alcohol.” — Unknown
- “Beer is now cheaper than gas, do drink, don’t drive!” — Unknown
- “Good people drink good beer.” — Hunter S. Thompson
- “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash
- “Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” — Oscar Wilde
- “I don’t have a drinking problem, I have thirst problem.” — Unknown
- “I am a drinker with writing problems.” — Brendan Behan
- “You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.” — Unknown
- “Don’t drink to forget me, you’ll end up seeing me double.” — Unknown
- “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” — Unknown
- “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.” – Kinky Friedman
- “Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you alcohol.” — Unknown
- “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” — Unknown
- “We drink and we die and continue to drink.”- Dennis Leary
- “May you always have love in your heart and beer in your belly.” — Unknown
- “My boss didn’t know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.” — Unknown
- “Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life’s problems.” — Unknown
- “Alcohol helps me listen to your bullshit and pretend to believe it.” — Unknown
Giphy - “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” — Steve Fergosi
- “There are more old drunkards than old physicians.” — Bernard Shaw
- “I drink to make other people more interesting.” — Ernest Hemingway
- “Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.” — Unknown
- “If smokers can have smoking breaks, why can’t I have drinking breaks.” — Unknown
- “I drink wine because my doctor said I shouldn’t keep things bottled up.” — Unknown
- “Alcohol is a perfect solvent, it dissolves marriages, families and careers.” — Unknown
- “Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” — Unknown
- “Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.” – Henry Lawson
- “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”- Kaiser Wilhelm
- “No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.” — John Churchill
- “How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.” — Unknown
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