Recently I was at the allergist, trying to solve the mystery of the incredibly debilitating headaches I've been suffering. No they aren't migraines, already checked that. Checked my sinuses too, cos those are shot, but they are fine too. Last resort I figured was the allergist. Apparently I was wrong, but that's a different story.
I've been afflicted with allergies my entire life. Hayfever, hives and histamines, Oh My! I've had it all. Since I was 7 I've lived in fear of shellfish after a lovely incident involving me, nearly 2 pounds of shrimps, and gigantic hives. Then a few years ago, the day before my terrifying Saturday 7:30 am chemistry final, I broke out in hives again. My hands looked like Mickey Mouse mitts. It was terrifying. The culprit: suspected sodium dioxide allergy, a perservative used in the dried apricots I had been ravenously been consuming. I've been tested for allergies, I was on allergy shots, I have food intolerances, you name it, I had it.
Back to the story: So I go to the allergist, full well expecting to be told my allergies, once again, are so bad I need to become as Boy in the Bubble. Then something shocking happened: they tested me for allergies, and I am not allergic to ANYTHING. That's right, it's a fucking miracle, I am not allergic to anything I thought I was allergic to. Except some wierd mold that's around at the end of summer.
Now after 20 years of avoiding foods which may or may not contain, live near, be prepared near, think about shellfish, now I can eat it. Do you know how much that fucks with your head??? I mean the very thought of, or smell of shrimp makes me near to physically ill. Red Lobster? Smells like death to me. I have been effectively trained and brainwashed that shellfish may in fact kill me, and now they are nothing but food on a plate that lives and dies in it's portable home. Totally freaky. I did eat a shrimp egg roll on Saturday, I picked the shrimp out, but the shrimp mojo did not kill me. Hooray!!
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This is the Titanic, at the bottom of the Atlantic
This is a Chevy Suburban, NOT at the bottom of the Atlantic
This past weekend I drove down to Milwaukee. On my way there I got stuck behind a blue Chevy Suburban from Minnesota. This was not unusual, what was unusual was the license plate. It read: TITANIC I shit you not, let me repeat TITANIC.
Now at first this is hilarious. I mean who names their car after the unsinkable ship that just so happened to sink. The longer you think about this the more clearly disturbing it becomes. Who in the hell names their car after a tremendous tragedy? I mean honest to Pesci, this is just fucked up. If they were trying to express the largeness of their Suburban (which is seriously excessively large), they could have tried GIGANTC or RLLYBIG or ENORMUS, Titanic just seems like a strange choice, if not a wholly inappropriate choice.
Then I started to wonder if they were just man-made disaster junkies. Do they have a Corolla at home with the plate LSITANA (Lusitania), did they name the titanic sized family boat The Edmund Fitzgerald (clearly they must own a gigantic boat, as I can see no other reason to own a Suburban)? Shit, should I rename my Honda Civic UNITD93? Does anyone else see why this is disturbing?
Samuel L Jackson: A Motherfuckin' Quarter Pounder in space!
The other night while Khrysten may or may not have been inhaling paint fumes, we were discussing why we are so thrilled with the idea of Snakes on a Plane; namely: Sam Jackson. We talked about how Sam Jackson is honestly, the only actor on earth who could pull this film off. And that we are happy to see him return to a genre of film where he can say 'mother fucker' a lot.
We really wished he could have conned George Lucas into letting his Jedi character say something along the lines of "Motherfuckin' Sith" just once in the films. We are not fans of this family friendly Sam Jackson. We are hoping though, that much in his traditional fashion that George Lucas will reissue episodes 1-3, butcher them, and add extraneous stuff. Our recommendations: "Motherfuckin' Yoda!" "Motherfuckin' Obi Wan!" "Motherfuckin' Padawan!" also we would like to see a full frontally nude Ewan McGregor, but that's a different story.
While discussing this we also realized that many Sci-Fi movies could have been made even better with a little Sam Jackson. Some examples:
Alien/Aliens: "Motherfuckin' Aliens!" "Motherfuckin' Chest Burster!"
Mars Attacks: "Motherfuckin' Brainy Martians!"
Independance Day: "Motherfuckin' Mothership!"
War of the Worlds: "Motherfuckers are juicing people!"
The Matrix: "Motherfuckin' Neo, you are coming with me, fuck this pill shit."
Serenity: "Motherfuckin' Mindreaders!" "Motherfuckin' Reavers!"
Blade: "Motherfuckin' Bloodsuckers!"
X-Files: "Motherfuckin' Bees!"
The Fifth Element: "Leeloo's Motherfuckin' Insane!" "That Crazy Bitch is Wearing a Motherfuckin' Tape suit!"
Star Trek Nemesis: "Motherfucker cloned Picard!"
Red Planet: "Motherfuckin' Earth is dying! We need Mars!!"
Pitch Black: "Run Motherfuckers, Run!"
Chronicles of Riddick: "Motherfuckin' Necromongers!"
Contact: "Only Motherfucker's don't believe Ellie Arroway!"
**Also on a Jodi Foster side note we would like to see him in Nell, we imagine it going something like this:
Nell: Hah-nah messer chickabee?
SJ: What? Motherfuckin' Chickabees? Where? Nell, you one crazy bitch.
Finally to bring us full circle:
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: "That Zaphod Beeblebrox is one cool two-headed Motherfucking Hoopy Frood" "That was one good Motherfuckin' Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster!" "What the fuck kind of answer is 42?"
Next post: The Adventures of Junk Mail and Coaster, Final Battle Mal v. Not Fade Away Angel (While Willow, Tara and Miss Kitty Fantastico look on), Knit Club's New Official uniforms.
