Again your treated to an absolute stomping tune. For those of you with Guitar Hero you will know that on Guitar Hero II this was also one of the tracks to play along to, and has got every right as a classic track entry. Hmm these Classic Tracks are getting even more interesting now aren’t they! You see I’m not just picking them because they rock, it’s because they sometimes have a great historical story behind them, no wait its just because they rock. You didn’t fall for that did you! Anyway we march on, and without further ado, here is this weeks..........

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

Now I know I said this was a Valentine special week, but believe me that was as close as I could get to a Valentines themed joke without offending everyone, and the are getting funnier, well I think they are!. And anyway as I have said in the past, remember them when you have had beer, it’s the missing ingredient!
So as this is a Valentines special, this week I have have a very special edition of…………

Captain Jack Recommends

So with it being Valentines weekend this weekend I let the wife pick which film to watch, and normally this would be a mistake, but with the mood of love in the air, I thought it only wise to let her make the choice, if only to set the mood for a few short hours. To my surprise she picked a film about Dancing that proved to be a bit Dirty.
So anyway this film was about some snotty nosed snob girl who gets dragged away to Butlins for a holiday by her ogre of a father and drunk of a mother and her freaky sister, give it chance it gets romantic. Anyway the bird in the film was a bit of a baby and was nicknamed junior I think, and according to her Dad, who was a jewish Doctor so therefore knew everything, never really fitted in, due to the fact he kept her locked in a cupboard under the stairs.
So, and they copied this from real life, just like at our Butlins they had to endure the camp entertainers making total prats of themselves in the evening classes. Anyway this bloke named Roy Castle is a bit of a hottie, well according to Junior, and she falls under his tap dancing spell.
Junior breaks into the staff quarters disguised as a fruit saleswoman, pretending to be delivering melons, but secretly hoping Roy will play with hers! As she walks into the staff dining room about to make her sales pitch, she encounters all the staff doing some pretty raunchy stuff let me tell you, and guess who the ringleader is, yep Roy Castle. Well that sets her off and she drops her melons, forgets about the profit margin and jumps on Roy for a bit of this raunchy tap dancing flinging round type stuff.
Now Roy’s dance partner gets up the duff by the camp arse, who just so happens to be Juniors sister, so to help she has a jumble sale to help pay Roy’s partner to get terminated, at this point I got excited because I love those Terminator films. So with Roy’s dance partner laying low, Junior offers to step in to her shoes and take over as his partner, thinking this will get her a lot more than a private lesson.
Well as she had a crippling injury of two left feet, her dancing skills were less than skilful , although I suspect this was a ploy to spend more time with Roy. At this point I nipped out but I gather it all got a bit steamy as they balanced on a log, but without seeing this I can’t be sure. Now I must of missed the Terminator as well, as old Roy’ s partner appeared to of been terminated and was in a lot of pain. Junior rushes to her Doctor dad, asking for help, and he rushes in with his magic sponge and sorts her out. Well it comes out that she wasn’t terminated after all but she had been up the duff. Her dad being the clever Doctor blames Roy, but ha ha it can’t be me he say’s, because I’ve been with your Junior. Well Doc goes nuts and gets Roy the sack.
Well it all ends with a big dance off when Roy bursts in and sees Junior up the corner, and he says the classic line, Oi come here and show what a good teacher I am and dance your two left feet off so I can get another job. So they all have a dance and everyone is happy, except for the camp owner David Letterman, who for no reason now is left without a bloke who can teach people with two left feet to dance, now what the hell was it called, I know it was something romantic, and it definitely had something to do with dancing in the title, wait a minute that was it……….. Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure!

True romance if ever there was, and you see fellas, if you let the wife pick the film it always can end up a winner, and if you play your cards right, well who knows what the evening may bring, you could be lucky and they fall asleep, leaving you time to play on the PS3! Anyway we now move gracefully on to our next feature with the very popular…………….

Captain Jacks Celebrity Bull-Plop #4

with guest artist Ronnie Wood

For those of you wondering Ronnie has asked for billing in the title of this section as he wants equal billing from now on, and I am getting all this art for free, as he keeps telling me.
Well as we all know not all romances turn out to be as successful as others, and this weeks celebrity story does have a tinge of sadness to it. But ever the artist my good friend Ronnie Wood has yet again provided a masterpiece that will go down in the annuls of popular art.
This weeks story is about the tragic divorce of Paul McCartney and Heather ‘Devil Woman’ Mills. Ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and ex-model Heather Mills failed to agree on a divorce settlement on Monday after six days in court, leaving the judge to decide how much of the former Beatle's fortune Mills should receive. Judge Hugh Bennett will make his decision at a later date, probably in about a month, in a judgment that could set an important legal precedent for future short-lived marriages of the super-rich. McCartney's fortune is estimated at £825 million pounds, and judgments involving this sort of wealth are usually given in public to give guidance to divorce lawyers.
But the hearings in the McCartney-Mills case have taken place behind closed doors and it is not clear whether the judge's decision will be made public. Mills, 40, whose marriage to the 65-year-old McCartney lasted less than four years, sacked her lawyers and represented herself in the high court against McCartney, who was represented by big-money divorce lawyer Nicholas Mostyn. Legal experts believe Mills is asking for 50 million pounds but that McCartney is offering less than half that sum. McCartney married Mills in 2002, four years after his first wife Linda died of breast cancer. Their daughter, Beatrice, is four.
If either side disputes the judge's decision, the case can go to the Court of Appeal and even on to the House of Lords, the highest court in the land. But the hearings would then be in open court, stripping the two participants of the privacy they have enjoyed in the high court, where even the windows were covered to foil prying eyes and camera lenses.
Anyway despite the hearing being behind closed doors and away from the press, Ronnie managed to catch the pair as they left the court, with Macca offering his ex a out of court deal, as you can see the two are captured in their full glory.

More from that cheeky little scamp Ronnie next week, as he is a perfectionist, for those of you who can't quite make out what Macca is saying, I think it goes something like "Here buy yourself a new leg Stumpy" or something! Anyway as your head is probably pounding now, its mid session break time with..............

Captain Jacks Five Minute Scive

Endless Zombie Rampage

Another little lunchtime break nicely filled for you there, and now on with this weeks almost mind bogglingly brilliant section that is affectionately known simply as.........

This is a first this year for Captain Jack, but it’s the first of many, as this weeks Hot Chick is Elisha Cuthbert.

Elisha was born in 1982, and is best know for being an actress, from T.V’s 24, where she played Keifer Sutherlands daughter Kim Bauer. She was born in wannabe America - Canada and has a brother and a sister. At a very young age she knew she was destined to be on television, but at seven she was picked to be a model for several Canadian clothes catalogues including Clothes For Kids, Get Your Kids Clothes From Here, This Would Look Good On Your Kid, and so as not to infringe any copyright laws in America -WomanwhogavebirthtoyouCare.
This gave her the audience and training to be a top television star on Canadian T.V. which has brought us such great programming like Due South and Cross Canada Barndance and of course, again so not as to cause any copyrighting problems Canadians Are Idle sorry Idol. Elisha appeared on none of these shows, but she did appear on the popular Canadian kids shows Are You Afraid Of The Dark, a spooky show about ghosts, and Popular Mechanics For Kids, a show about mechanics, one of the top careers any Canadian could hope for.
Her skills with an engine got her noticed, and being fully qualified, this got her the job playing Kim Bauer, daughter of CTU agent Jack Bauer in 24. She managed to last three seasons, but grew bored of being constantly portrayed as stupid, and always getting caught in traps, but if she had read the script she would of seen her character biog was a stupid blonde who looks good but often gets caught in ridiculous situations.

After leaving the show, or just not being used anymore as she was pointless after season one, she focused on her film career. She turned down the role of Mary Jane in the Spiderman film as she thought it would flop and be only for kids (and she thought she wasn’t stupid) . But she was eager to play the role of Danielle, an ex-porn star in The Girl Next Door, but if flopped as she didn’t get her norks out!
She then appeared in the remake of classic horror House Of Wax alongside celebrity piss head Paris Hilton. Despite her skills as an actress, Paris got the plaudits in this piece of cinematic genius noted for its fine acting and special effects, sorry pile of poop.
After turning down the role of Lois Lane in Superman Returns and missing out as Sue Storm in Fantastic Four to future Hot Chick, Jessica Alba, Elisha appeared in the 2007 pic Captivity, a film where she plays a stalked model who ends up in a stupid situation trapped in a cellar, similar to her role in 24 but without Jack Bauer to save her. For this fine acting performance she almost won a Razzie for worst actress.

She has of course as you can see made up for crap acting by having loads of semi clad pictures of her splashed all over lads mags, and has been in the FHM top 100 Babes list in 2003, 2004, 2006 and 2007, but not in 2005 as she must of been a bit of a dog then.

Take heed readers! So as you have learnt all there is to know about this weeks Hot Chick, lets get down to the nitty gritty of this blog, the music. First up is this weeks ‘ Live Is Best ’, this week featuring one of the best bands in the world…….

Captain Jack Does It Best Live

So that should of wet your appetite for a special announcement coming very soon, but first is this weeks Karaoke section. With the mood of love in the camp then you would of expected slushy ballads from me this week, well sorry to disappoint, but Captain Jack is not one for ballads, unless they are Power Ballads, but this Valentines gave the opportunity to sing three songs from three outstanding British bands, who have inspired many more bands with their music, and have been mainstays in British Music History. This week I sang 1. Love Me Do by The Beatles, 2. Start Me Up by The Rolling Stones and 3. Save Me by Queen.

Love Me Do By The Beatles

Highest UK Chart Position: No 17 Oct 1962 / No 4 Aug 1982

The song was The Beatles first single, backed by "P.S.I Love You" and released in October 1962. When the single was originally released in the UK, it peaked at number seventeen but in 1982, it was re-issued and reached number four. In the USA the single was a number one hit in 1964.
Love Me Do begins with bluesy harmonica played by John Lennon, then features Lennon and McCartney on joint lead vocals although McCartney handles the low solo vocal line on the song's title phrase when all the instruments go silent. Lennon had previously sung these sections, but this change in vocals was made in the studio under the supervision of producer George Martin when the harmonica part was added, as Lennon needed to resume playing it on the same beat as the "do" of "love me do".
By 1962, The Beatles were playing regular gigs at a club in Hamburg, Germany. They played a lot of Blues covers by famous American artists, and it was a big deal for them when they introduced this into their set, as they didn't know how it would hold up against songs by Little Richard and Ray Charles. The song was well-received and gave The Beatles a lot of confidence, which led to them writing and performing more original songs. Even though they had this available, The Beatles did not play it at their audition for Decca Records in early 1962 because their manager, Brian Epstein, told them to play cover songs instead. Their next audition was later in the year for Parlophone Records, and after several takes of a cover song called "Besame Mucho," they played this, which got them their first record deal. When they played this for Parlophone Records, the producer they auditioned for was George Martin, who became a key figure in Beatles history as he helped shape their sound. He started tinkering with the song right away, adding the harmonica part. Fortunately, John Lennon knew how to play the harmonica and was able to come up with something. The Beatles recorded versions of this with 3 different drummers. At their first Parlophone audition in June, 1962, Pete Best was still their drummer. When they recorded this on September 4, Ringo was their drummer, but when George Martin decided this would be the single, he had them record it again a week later. At this session, he used a session drummer named Andy White and stuck Ringo with the maracas. The version with Ringo drumming was released as the single, but the version released on the album had Andy White's drumming. Ringo didn't complain when he got bumped at the session, but was very upset and felt real insecure, especially since The Beatles had just fired a drummer.
But as some of you may of heard this four piece from Liverpool went on to ever so slightly huge success over the next few years, and what can I say about The Beatles that hasn’t already been said, this was the song that started it all off, and it also started off tonights Karaoke {Seamless Link There}

Start Me Up by The Rolling Stones

Highest UK Chart Position: No 7 Aug 1981

From one of the most influential British bands ever to the original and still the best rock band on the planet, and a song with one of the most recognisable opening riffs ever. It's hard to overestimate the importance of the Rolling Stones in rock & roll history. The group, which formed in London in 1962, distilled so much of the music that had come before it and has exerted a decisive influence on so much that has come after. Only a handful of musicians in any genre achieve that stature, and the Stones stand proudly among them.
Start Me Up was first recorded in Munich during the 1975 Black And Blue sessions, and later in the 1978 Some Girls sessions under the working titles Never Stop and Start It Up. The song was originally recorded as a reggae-rock track, but after dozens of takes the band stopped recording it, as it reminded them of something currently on the radio. In 1981, with the band looking to tour, producer Chris Kimsey proposed to Mick Jagger that archived songs could comprise the set. While searching through the archives, Kimsey found two takes of the song with a more rock vibe among some fifty reggae versions. Overdubs were done on the track in early 1981. The infectious thump to the song was achieved using mixer Bob Clearmountain's famed bathroom reverb, a process involving the recording of some of the song's vocal and drum tracks with a miked speaker in the bathroom of the Power Station recording studio in New York. It was there where final touches were added to the song, including Jagger's switch of the main lyrics from start it up to start me up.
The song was written by the legendary partnership of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, but Richards was never sure which direction Jagger wanted the song to go in, was it rock or reggae. During an interview in 1990, Richards said "The story here is the miracle that we ever found that track. I was convinced - and I think Mick was - that it was definitely a Reggae song. And we did it in 38 takes - 'Start me up. Yeah, man, cool. You know, you know, Jah Rastafari.' And it didn't make it. And somewhere in the middle of a break, just to break the tension, Charlie and I hit the Rock And Roll version. And right after that we went straight back to Reggae. And we forgot totally about this one little burst in the middle, until about 5 years later when somebody sifted all the way through these Reggae takes. After doing about 70 takes of Start Me Up he found that one in the middle. It was just buried in there. Suddenly I had it. Nobody remembered cutting it. But we leapt on it again. We did a few overdubs on it, and it was like a gift, you know? One of the great luxuries of The Stones is we have an enormous, great big can of stuff. I mean what anybody hears is just the tip of an iceberg, you know. And down there is vaults of stuff. But you have to have the patience and the time to actually sift through it."
The song opens with what has since become a trademark riff for Keith Richards. It is this, coupled with Charlie Watts steady backbeat and Bill Wyman’s echoing bass, that comprises most of the song. Lead guitarist Ronnie Wood can clearly be heard playing a layered variation of Richards' main riff.
As a live track it has become a favourite amongst all Stones fans, and has opened the shows on pretty much every show since the single was released. In 2008 the band has teamed up with legendary film producer Martin Scorsese to release a docu/film called Shine A Light showing the band doing what they do best, playing live, and if you can’t bring yourself to go and see the band live, then please take my advice and go see this film, as once you see the band play live, then your life will be complete. Quite simply put, they are the best, and they are British. Despite the lifestyle and reports from the press, they have influenced more bands than any other, and have a catalogue of songs that any band would die for, and they should be celebrated for what they have achieved in music, because that is what makes them great.

Save Me by Queen

Highest UK Chart Position: No 11 February 1980

From two classic bands, to one of the greatest rock bands in music history. The song was written by Brian May, who played both piano and guitar on the track, and was written about a friend who was in the middle of a bad break up of a relationship.
It was recorded in 1979, and featured on Queen’s eighth studio album ‘The Game’. It spent six weeks in the UK charts and peaked at number 11. The album was another huge success for the band It was the only Queen album to reach the #1 position in both the UK and the USA and became Queen's best selling studio album in the US with four million copies sold to date, tying News Of The World's US sales tally. Though the album had simpler song arrangements than previous Queen albums, The Game launched Queen into global megastars. Notable songs on the album include the bass driven Another On Bites The Dust, and the rockabilly Crazy Little Thing Called Love, both of which reached number 1 in the United States. The Game was the first Queen album to use synthesisers, and the album's popularity inspired the band members to continue using them heavily for the rest of the band's career, with somewhat mixed results. The album's working title was Play the Game, but Taylor voiced concern about its possible overtones of conformity, so it was changed to simply The Game.
The video for the song was also a special one. It features the band playing live in their usual style, with Freddie in full flow. The scene cuts from the live performance to a female audience member who runs from the show watching a glowing white dove of peace. As the song progresses it transforms into Freddie, as if to symbolise this is him. The next scene shows the character at a mirror looking alone but again being led by the white dove, which then again turns into Freddie. In the final scene the woman appears to follow the dove off the edge of a bridge, and as she falls turns into a dove herself, which swoops down and lands on Freddies outstretched arm. Now as this was Valentines Day, this was my ballad for the night, and there are no better ballads than rock ballads.


Well that’s it for the Karaoke for another week, and now its time for some breaking news that I for one am very excited about. A certain someone who shall remain nameless just happened to mention the upcoming release of a PS3 game that she thought I just might be interested in. Well what is it then I hear you cry, well see for yourself.

The game is due out in June in the State’s and due out in the UK a few weeks later. The iconic Aerosmith tracks will feature on the game, charting their success from the early years through to now, spanning some 30 years of classic rock. The band will be the first to have one of the Guitar Hero games dedicated to themselves, although it will also feature some of the tracks that have influenced them as well, so expect some Led Zeppelin and some Stones on it.

As they are renowned as a great live act, several of the songs will be taken from some of their live shows in the past. When asked why they had agreed to be part of the game Joe Perry said he caught his son playing on Guitar Hero when it first came out and thought it was really cool, but he was dissapointed at the fact no Aerosmith was on the game, and with him being one of the greatest Guitar Heros ever, he made it his mission to get this game out, and with the backing of Steven Tyler, talks were began to make the Guitar Hero:Aerosmith game.

It will feature the members of the band and some unlockable special guests are to be added, my guess is RUN D.M.C. The band has already been motion captured for the game, and as you can see from the screenshots, Steven Tyler and Joe Perry look pretty awesome. Roll on June……….

So now its on to the FIFA 08 online league battle with a special report from our special guest this week Zinedine Zidane.

So as this weeks online league battle was postponed due to a waterlogged pitch or floodlight failure or something like that anyway, there are no scores to update you with this week. So I asked a football icon of the 20th century to come up with a great substitute for passing the time in between games for your weekly sports fix, and what did the little perverted Frenchman come up with, well take a look for yourself, it’s the Swedish and Brazilian Beach Volleyball teams, who this week met in a pre Olympic tournament.

Now you can judge for yourself who won the game, but you don't think the Brazilians were hugging like that because they lost do you, anyway I’m sure you won’t be bothered by the score or the league until we next get round to playing some football.

So another week draws to a close. Fun and frolics have been the order of this Valentines special, and I hope the mood of love is back in your hearts, I always aim to please. Don't worry, normal service will resume next week with all your favourites back on your P.C. screen. If your a first time reader, welcome and please come back, its stays this funny, I promise. Until next time shipmates.

" Winged freak terrorises Gotham.........Wait till they getta load of me"