SAACHI SEN AT THE BIG LOVE MUSIC FESTIVAL 2023

I hate that bitch Alexa. Every time I say something she’s always got something more exciting she wants me to do or something ridiculous that she thought I said; and totally throws me off, or puts me off what I was about to do. Does that bitch speak English at all? It’s like she doesn’t understand a word I’m saying. The other day I said “Good Lord Alexa, I’m so horny” and she said “calling your mommy”. The other time I said “call Antonio”, and that bitch had the nerve to tell me “no, you’re no Romeo”. Then I said “play my favourite song” and she said “searching for edible thongs”. She's crazy, I know she is – unless mine is broken, or is a repentant crackhead or prostitute or something. 

Anyway, today I asked what the weather was like and Alexa said “nope, I don't like that sweater - it's too bright”. I was so steamed I left with nothing but my laptop bag, the compact umbrella I keep in my laptop bag just in case it rains, and my laptop. It rained. It f*cking rained. It rained big time, definitely not compact umbrella rain. I got totally soaked, but don't worry my hair was still amazing - that's all that matters. Anyway I rushed into the office and took off my shirt so it could dry. I struggled to put the umbrella back in its case so I rested the bottom of the handle just above my thigh to make sliding the cover on easier. From behind it looked like I was putting on a condom. Picture it… Got it? Now the cover got stuck in the middle so I had to hold the base of the umbrella handle so I could pull the cover back up a little bit and then pull it back down really hard. I thrusted my hip forward really hard out of frustration to increase the force. Then all of a sudden my boss walked in. She was SHOCKED! It just so happened MTV had decided to play the video of Miley Cyrus twerking at the 2013 MTV Awards at that very moment. I totally didn't record it and put it on repeat every morning so I can get the day started right. She screamed out “Jesus CHRIST! It’s Monday morning for God’s sake, what the F* is wrong with you?” And then she stormed out furiously. I didn’t get a chance to explain that my shirt got wet and that I was just putting my umbrella back in the case - not whatever it looked like I was doing from behind. It’s gonna be really awkward the next time I see her. I’m sure she’ll never shake my hand again 😁. I wonder what she wanted.

I’d been listening to Kanye West again on my way to work. (Sigh!). Awkward things always happen when I listen to Kanye and I always feel horrible afterwards because I always promise myself the last time was the last. To be honest I only listen to Kanye to remind myself to be wary of really beautiful women. The wrong woman will totally take half of your money and leave you with a bad taste in your mouth forever. To cut a long story short right now I feel like I ate Kim Kardashian’s "pancake" and I can’t stop tasting Ray J. Do you feel the same way when you listen to rap nowadays sometimes or is it just me? 

I feel like I should have said “no disrespect” before I made that last comment, I totally meant no disrespect. In fact only the other day I was thinking how annoying those people are, who start a very awful and disrespectful comment with “no disrespect” – what a bunch of f*cking knuckleheads right? The other day one of my colleagues walked up to me while my other colleagues were congratulating me on the outstanding stats of one of my articles and said to me “no disrespect, but your articles are too long - I felt like I was totally getting blacked” and then he giggled and walked off. I know, WTF right? That’s like walking up to someone that annoys you with a gun and saying “I don’t mean any harm, but, here’s 9 bullets, an extendo clip and a 45”. I know – ouch right? 

To be honest with you I wasn’t planning to come to work this week at all, or even next week. I've been so busy living, the last thing I need is anyone stressing me out right now. But I had so many exciting things going on in my life I felt like I might explode if I didn’t tell someone. And I don't mean explode like the fun little explosions I made in my shorts every time my biology teacher turned around to write on the black board during sex education class back in school; or the slightly larger ones that happened in my shorts every Mondays and Wednesdays when the principal put me on her laps and spanked me thoroughly for being naughty (on purpose 😜) again. I'm talking about a real man explosion, like those ones orchestrated by that man in the cave whose name suspiciously rhymes with Obama in a way that is too much of a coincidence, but let's leave it there. So thanks for coming. I’m so happy you came here, when there’s probably like a million other places on the Wild Wild Web you could be right now.

We’ll get to the music news in a minute but let’s talk a little bit first. 

Oh and by the way, it’s me the “Ideas Guy” again. My articles have been getting so much attention online that I’m totally getting all the work in the news room these days. All this attention is a lot of pressure and very new for me but it totally beats being referred to as “the guy with the flat screen TV on his face”. I know my glasses are huge but that’s such a hurtful thing to say. I totally had a tear in my eye the first time I heard it and every single time after, but instead of getting steamed I used the fury to be the best writer I could possibly be every single time I entered the writers room and every one was laughing at me behind my back. I never hated them and now they all love me, albeit secretly, but I know they do, I can tell they're so happy to have me on their team. 

Now let’s get started. First of all, I’ve recently invested some of my new found wealth from all the attention and love online in a car wash business nearby. It’s just under the bridge at London Bridge. It’s called Dirty Diana. It’s got a big signboard with a picture of Marilyn Monroe in a red polka dot dress being sprayed with a hose while she tries to keep her dress from riding up by pinning it down to her tightly pressed together knees but her bloomers are still totally showing. She’s also making that face Nicki Minaj makes when she has one finger on her cheek and her eyes rolled backwards looking like she was trying to remember where she left her dildos and a lot of other dirty thoughts from their previous usages flooded her mind. And I mean her hand on her face cheek, not the one I suspect Jesus really meant when he said "turn the other cheek" 😁. To drum up business I’ve been going to all the local parks at launch time to feed the pigeons laxatives and KFC 😊. I KNOW – what a bright idea right? Of course it is, I’m the “Ideas Guy” remember? I later realised pedestrians too were gonna also get shitted and vomited on by the pigeons so I’m now on the market for a 1-hour dry cleaning business to purchase nearby. If you know any near London Bridge please write in the comments section or head down to Dirty Diana where we may or may not have some hidden dirty little treats for you (wink, wink, wink). With all this new pigeon money racing in, I think I'm totally gonna be a millionaire by the time the summer gets here. I'm so excited, woo-hoo! 

But enough about me, how’s your day been? What’ve you been up to? Done anything exciting yet? Sure you have, drop me a line in the comments section, I’d love to hear it.

With all this new money coming in, and all the love and appreciation I feel every time you come here, I’ve decided to do something very special for you today. I’m going to give you a gift. And no, I’m not going to send you an emoji gift, like in those silly emails you’ve probably received saying “Someone bought you a drink on Fubar”. A real gift, something tangible. I know you’re gonna love it but I don’t know what it is yet and I don’t know how I’m going to get it to you, since I don’t have your address. But I promise you that by the end of this article I’ll have a gift for you and you will receive it immediately. 

Today’s music news story is about London's most exciting indie pop artist, Saachi Sen. We’ll get to that in a minute but first there’s something really important I want to talk to you about. Here it goes.

I was feeding pigeons earlier this afternoon while listening to my favorite song “Cum on Everybody” by Eminem when I wrote this article in my head but I didn't finish it, that's why I know there is a gift but I don't know what it is yet. It’s really exciting and I promise you, by the end of it you’re gonna be more excited than Dracula on Kim Kardashian’s period (I know, so much blood right? SMH. That lovely lady must have like 20 billion eggs, with all the basketball players she’s attracting). And just for the record, I’ve stopped playing basketball. To be honest I’m now really suspicious of many of my old friends who I played with, who were always so enthusiastic about trying to get the ball from me from behind. I thought I had somehow miraculously gotten really good at protecting the ball because they never got it – but with all the basketball players coming out of the closet now, I’m starting to think they never wanted it at all. I’m really furious and I’ve been having nightmares about playing basketball with Shaq in the rain in the dark in that same compromising defence position – he never gets the ball, he just whispers sweet trash talk in my ears from behind in that deep Barry White voice of his, and I wake up feeling really violated and almost sore even. 

But where were we? Ah yes. Oh wait, since we’re on the subject, did you know Shaq invented the Selfie? This is an extension of my lady colleague’s hilarious Shaq elephant joke (read the full article here if you’re interested, it’s so funny - it opens in a new page, don't worry, so you can easily close it and come back here). Shaq was rubbing his magic lamp one day and about to blow his load on the ceiling when someone rushed in unexpectedly. He quickly turned his back, replaced his lamp hand with his phone and said “cheese”. The flash wasn’t on but there was a big white flash (splash) on the ceiling during the picture - it literally blew the roof off, he-he-he. That reminds me so much of one of the first dirty jokes I ever heard back in high school – about the man whose penis was so big that when he came he went 😊. Till this day it’s one of the funniest dirty jokes I’ve heard. Know any good ones? Write them in the comments section.

Okay, let’s continue. We’re going to talk about Aladdin. While listening to “Cum on Everybody” by Eminem, it totally hit me. That cartoon was the most sickest, twisted thing I watched as a kid WITH my parents and family and it totally corrupted me, but I didn’t know it till I was fully grown, today. A whole movie about a naughty teenage horn dog who rubbed his lamp WAY TOO often until one day he blew his load and a full sized man popped out and started doing magic. I know, disgusting right? And that’s what we’re discussing today - what makes your magic happen? Everyone’s got a special something they do that makes amazing things happen in their lives but many people don’t know what it is. Like that guy in Alibaba and the Forty Thieves who yells out “Sesame Seeds!” or whatever he says, and a door to a secret passage opens; or like the people screaming at the Wall of Jericho in the Bible to make it fall down. What opens your magic door? What makes your Wall of Jericho fall down? To be honest with you I’m not going to tell you. I’m not one of those guys. You know those guys who see a rich or successful person and runs up to them, kisses every one of their toes metaphorically and says weird stuff like “how’d you become so successful?” and “how’d you know when you had made it?”. F*ck no. First of all I know they’re not going to tell me, that’s just giving yet another human being another amazing opportunity to lie to me and begging for it even. No one in their right mind will tell you why they are successful, so stop dreaming. When I meet rich people I just ask them for money like a normal human being, I don’t give a fuck what made them successful, I know they’ll lie immediately or tell me a parable, like Jesus. Instead of looking for successful people, I do the opposite. I look for people who are totally fucked and ask them, “God Lord! How’d you get so FUCKED UP?” And they’re always quick to tell you everything they did – I listen to every word and then make sure I don’t ever do it. One step away from failure is another step towards success wouldn’t you say? Baby steps I tell you, baby steps.. Remember the silly comment about Kanye and Kim and Ray J I made at the beginning? I wasn’t poking fun at anybody. In fact I’m sorry I said it. I too have loved a woman so much I wanted nothing more than to put my willy in her face till she looked like Donald Duck and couldn’t pronounce the word “hot” anymore and instead said “hawt”. She totally broke my heart too but I don’t break easily. I went down to Soho with my friend Jack and before long we met a girl called Cinabun who smelled like cocoa butter and baby power. Her booty was so big and round it made my eyes water like an onion. We did so many new things I couldn’t look myself in the eye for days after. I almost married her before I realized that wasn’t her real name and she had no intentions of going to college at all with all the money I was giving her. That’s it, that’s the end of the story. See? Easy peezy. 

Now where were we? Ah yes. Let’s find your magic lamp shall we? You know how people always say “it’s always in the last place you’d look” when they’d lost something and found it? Well, let’s do that. Let's look somewhere you'd never look. Let’s look inside your head – it’s in there, I promise. In fact I’ve seen it, and don’t ask me how. As usual we’ll do a little exercise; and then we’ll get to the news story. Oh wait, I’ll give you the gift I promised you first, and then we'll go to the news.

Okay let’s do it. This one is really quick and easy. Close your eyes and count from 1 to 8. Now, do it backwards, from 8 to 1. Now, add this up: 1234 + 5678… Got it yet? How about now? Okay take your time, I’ll wait… … …

What number have you got? Write it in the comments section so the whole world knows how smart you are. Now we’re going to do the opposite as well: 5678 – 1234 … subtract that…. Got it yet? How about now? Okay take your time, I’ll wait… …. …. Now hold the result of the subtraction in your head until it crystalizes into a really bright exciting white neon sign with a square border that's got slightly rounded edges. 

The result of the first calculation is 6912 and the second is 4444. These are really important numbers in numerology. The first, 6912, to cut a long story short, means divine guidance. A state of mind in which the tangible material things of the world no longer move one, but rather, with enough practice eventually becomes able draw or repel them as required with very little effort, just faith. If you don’t like this number you can reject it and rebuke it by reassuring yourself that your boss pays your bills. If you like it you can think to yourself “my supply comes directly from God". You can replace the word God with "the universe", or "the angels", or "above", or "love", or any other similar word  of your choice - any word except "me", the dirtiest and most dangerous word in the world, as you'll come to discover more about your magic lamp in the future if you haven't discovered already. The second number, 4444, to cut a long story short means leads to "love", results in "love" or stems from "love" most of the time in its most basic interpretation. It represents stability, order, conscientiousness and determination. If you ever wondered what Jay-z’s 4:44 album meant, it probably wasn’t time – it was this: love and wholeness. (Remember I told you successful people never tell). It means your connection with the divine guidance that the first number we explored 6912 is really strong and as a result good times and good things are coming your way really fast. So buckle up. 

Now think about it, why did you come here today? What were you doing? What were you thinking? Who told you to come here? Were you divinely guided here so that you could receive this awesome gift I’m about to give you? I think you were. So here it is, it’s a magic wand with the 4444 neon sign you created in your imagination while you were calculating earlier on right at the tip of it. I know I said it was tangible, but remember 6912 is a state of mind where the tangible things of the world no longer move a person. Who needs a fancy physical magic stick, when you’re not 50 Cent or some gay fairy waving it around arrogantly with one hand on hip so everyone can see how awesome you are and try to steal it when you’re sleeping or f*cking. F*ck that! This one is better, it’s in your head where nobody can get it. You can use it to open any door of your choice at any given moment – just think love, ONLY love. It’s magic, I promise. Try it now and see. Wave it at the most annoying person you know right now like those placards people carry during protests. And see how amazing you feel as the resentment and awful feelings you once felt float away and open the way for the blessings you had unknowingly been blocking to flood in. Did you know that most Walls of Jericho are built predominantly on resentment and hatred? Yep, now you know. Every time you hate someone or something you are reinforcing your Wall of Jericho, the notorious wall that is blocking your blessings. So stop it, and #JustLove, only love. Okay? Promise? Remember to keep your magic wand in mind everywhere you go so no one can ever make you rebuild your Wall of Jericho, it’s very important. And remember, the neon sign on your magic wand says 4444, not LOVE. It means love only in its most fundamental interpretation. To get an idea of what it looks like, draw it on a piece of paper. Write four 4s right next to each other. Connect the horizontal parts of the 4s in the middle with a horizonal line. Now join the vertical stems protruding from the bottom of each 4 with a horizontal line at the bottom. That’s the neon sign at the top. Now put a vertical line in the middle of the bottom horizontal line. That’s the stick. There you have it – your magic stick. Oops!! I mean magic wand. If you’ve drawn it right it should look like those old TV antennas that used to be placed on the roofs of houses before cable and Netflix. Why do you think it looks like that? What do antennas do? Attract, receive, detect and send signals right? Almost like a magnet wouldn’t you say? Aha!! Remember Magneto? Of course you do. If you don’t know Magneto you’d better rush to my previous post by clicking here to find out (don't worry it opens in a new window so you can easily close it and come back here once you've finished reading it). Are you starting to get an idea of what Magneto is about?

Okay that’s it for today's exercise. You totally get it, I can tell. We’ll talk more about it next time.

Now, I know I said I only had one gift but I lied, I’ve got two. This one is tangible and you may or may not like it but I feel like I must give it to you, I can't help myself - it’s a hickey. In the spirit of love, I’m sending you one right now. It’s totally innocent, I promise. It should appear in a minute or so. You don’t have to explain it to anybody. Just tell them “it’s all love” and they’ll totally understand. So here it goes: “MMMMMMMMWAH!!” Check your neck in like 5 minutes and you’ll see it. Unfortunately you won’t see it if you’re a guy, you're black or you're Indian, or you come from anywhere where skin tanning and anal bleaching are free, and there are live farm animals roaming the streets freely yet somehow people still go hungry for many many years. I totally never understood that (I’d totally steal one if it was me, and convince myself it’s a blessing from God). I’d never given money to charity before until someone explained it to me. Every time I saw one of those ads with the babies with the really big stomachs I convinced myself that their bellies were really full so I didn’t have to give away my hard earned money. Now that I know how hard it is to catch a chicken, I totally understand it would be absolutely impossible to catch a real live goat on an empty stomach (🤦‍♂️, "SMH"). Since we’ve talked about them, I hope you give some money to charity today to empower your magic wand. I just did it now while ordering my "Kim Kardashian Blow Up Doll With Newly Reconditioned Vagina And Butt Hole" on Amazon. Don’t ask m-kay, don’t get all up in my business. PS: I’m totally not obsessed with Kim Kardash, I promise. Now, let’s do the news thingy.

She’s been hailed as London’s most exciting indie pop star, and singer songwriter Saachi Sen, who performs solo as well as as the lead singer of the band Saachi, is held close to the hearts of so many UK music lovers. With songs like “Heal”, her debut single; “Facebook Stalker” and “Fairy Lights”, she sung her way into the hearts of many unsuspecting music fans locally and nationally, and even caught the attention of music industry insiders far and wide. She has gone on to enjoy a very successful independent music career, played every self-respecting music venue in London and the South East, and blazed the stage at some of the UK’s biggest music festivals. With so many critically acclaimed records under her belt and so many big achievements achieved single-handedly, there’s no doubt that she’ll be a thrill to watch on the big stage, and that day draws closer with every passing moment. 

This week Saachi announced that she’ll be playing at the prestigious Big Love Festival in South Wales. The annual 3 day summer music festival takes place from the 14th to 16th of July this year. With at least 5 stages, and some of the UK’s top music acts including The Skints, Nubiyan Twist, Subgiant, CVC, Mad Apple Circus, Midnight Zu, Johnny Cage & The Voodgroove, Funke And The Two Tone Baby, BRWYMS, Luke RV, Minas, Mr Phormula, Guilty By Association, Ms Faithee, Tara Bandito, Cerys Hafana, SZWE, Hemes, Badly Withdrawn Boyo, DJ Marky, DJ Yoda, A.Skillz, DJ Moneyshot, Madame Electrifie, Not So Junior Jungle, Bang’n’Mash, MR Kimber, Dull Boy Roy, Sausage Finger, Nutzo, Marcus Allen & MC NRG, Bloxon, Nick Terrific, Marc Heatley, DJ Neil Diamond, Jimanoli, Oisin, Natty Lou, Katalyst B2B Ranson, Double A Side, Tank Howls, Lindz, Monaghan, The Orb, Gene On Earth, Marc Parsons, Matt Owen, Lee Graves, Clare James, Ellis Davies, Aled Wynne Alex Taylor, Dave Llewellyn, Paul Blandford, Shaun Edwards, Luke Tainton, TYWI – Jmes Wilkinson, Knoll Beach, Rumple & Kye, Jack Darwin, Lewis James, Dan Knight, Corey & Deena, Hywel – Ellist, Bodhi, Kaptin Barratt, Neil F***ing Young, YMSP (Yo Momma So Phat), DJ Jaffa, Disco Concierge, Paul Lyons, DJ Lady Casita, DJ Comfort, Mikee Snooze, Dealo Brown, Max Galactic, T-Dowg Gazillionaire, Dave Grooveslave, Tom Auton & Bottlebreakers, Banshi, Jack Ellis & Band, Mojo Jnr, SWYN, True Foxes, Fathom, Ecklectic Mick, Tomos Lewis, Blue Evolution, Scruffy Monkey, DJ Mr Mase, Loafus, Vella, Zed Regal, Kaysha Louvan, AFBOB, Bryony Sier, AKA Mr B, Ennio Maccaroni, Dave Morris, To Bear Sir, Abbie Jebbers, Alex Davies, Daisymae Music, Dan Holland, Jess Marie and The Regiments, just to name a few; with comedy, spoken word and an award-winning circus performance, it’s definitely one to look out for. As usual you can get your tickets now on the Skunk Radio Live Events page where you can also find other exciting upcoming Saachi Sen concert tickets and dates. 

Saachi Sen’s latest single “The Gap” was released on the 19th of August last year. It was her most successful record to date and it has opened a lot of new doors for her and her new band. It was also her first single under her new moniker Saachisen (i.e. without the space). The record quickly reached over 100,000 streams on Spotify and the numbers have been climbing quicker and quicker every day since. If you haven’t heard the record I don’t know what to say to you, except maybe “what the hell have you been listening to on Spotify that those nosy, stalking algorithms didn’t recommend it to you at some point?” and “I hope it hasn’t been too hot under that rock where you’ve been living”, he-he-he, just kidding. Saachi has announced that she’ll be releasing two new singles with a headline show at the popular live music venue Star Of Kings in Kings Cross, London on the 24th of May. I hope you won’t miss that too. Mark your calendar now m-kay? Again, tickets and venue information are available on the Skunk Radio Live Events page, so grab one now while you can. And don’t worry your rock will still be there when you get back, he-he-he, JK. Stream the music video of the new single “The Gap” in the YouTube player below or alternatively head over to SRLTV by selecting "Music Videos" from the main menu at the top of this page. You’ll also find other exciting music videos, behind the scenes clips, interviews, concert footage and more by Saachi. Once you are done, you can also head over to SRL Music by selecting "Music" from the main menu at the top of this page. In that section of the site you’ll be able to find all Saachi’s songs and albums, listen to them directly on Spotify without leaving the site AND find links to listen on other music streaming and download platforms.

Okay I really need to wee now, I didn’t want to say anything before but I’ve been holding it and I can’t anymore. 

Remember to keep the gift I gave you really close at all times. Make sure you protect it and never show it to anybody or tell anybody about it. 

Have a wonderful day. See you tomorrow, or whenever we meet again. I don’t go to work everyday anymore. I tried it once and I got so exhausted – do people actually do that? Yuk, yuk, yuk – NEVER!

Alright bye. Love you!




Watch "The Gap", the new single by Saachi Sen:





Buy Saachi Sen Concert Tickets:
https://events.skunkradiolive.com

Follow Saachi Sen on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/SaachiSen

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