By Rachel Maier, MS

If you struggle to know what to say to or do for someone who's hurting, you're not alone.

I've had my fair share of failures in this area. I tend to overthink my words, so I'm prone to staying quiet until I think of the "perfect" thing to say or do. As a Chronic Illness Patient myself, I've been on the receiving end of my fair share of comments that are a little clumsy or ill-informed, but I'd rather receive well-intentioned, slightly awkward encouragement or help than none at all.

I don't blame people for not knowing what to say when tough situations come up. It's hard to find that fine line between empathy and awkward. I've been there too, and in fact, I am there, right now!

What do I say to a family member whose mother was suddenly diagnosed with a terminal disease, for example, or to an acquaintance who suddenly lost their father? How can I possibly support a friend whose young child was recently diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor or the neighbor who's battling cancer — again?

Action Isn't Imposition

My Husband came inside from mowing the lawn a few weeks ago and told me he just had a conversation with one of our neighbors.

"Oh? How is he?" I asked.

"He's OK, but his wife is in the hospital. She just had surgery to remove a brain tumor."

I'm pretty sure I gasped and stared. I had no idea any of that was going on.

"I told him to let us know if they needed anything," my husband added. He meant it, too. My husband would replace the roof on their house if they asked him to. But he didn't know what they would need while facing an ordeal like this one.

I didn't pretend to know what they might need either, but since people always have to eat, I told him, "He won't know what to ask for. Send a text right now and tell him we're bringing dinner over this week. Tell them to pick the night, and we'll drop something off."

My husband shot me a smile and quickly got out his phone, realizing I was right: We needed to get more specific with our offer to help; otherwise, he might never take us up on it.

Within minutes, our neighbor responded, and two days later, he and his family had full bellies and one less thing to think about.

Say. Do. Give… Something

The heart behind the statement "Let me know if you need anything" is good, but it puts the burden to follow through with the offer squarely on the shoulders of the person who is already dealing with a lot. Why put the responsibility on others to reach out to us when it's far more helpful for us to reach out to them?

Maybe you want to help, but you don't know what to say, do or give, especially if you are already dealing with a lot yourself. That's OK: There aren't any one-size-fits-all answers. The best thing to keep in mind is that something is always better than nothing.

You don't have to have the perfect words; you don't have to do something extravagant; and you don't have to give an expensive Gift. Put your heart into what you can say, do or give, and your efforts will support and encourage the people who need you more than you realize. Here's how:

1) Say Something

Finding the "right" words is difficult, but don't let fear or insecurity keep you silent. Be honest and direct, and kind and considerate. Say things such as:

• I am sorry you're walking through this.
• I wish I knew what to say. I'm so sorry.
• I know this hurts, and I am so very sorry.
• If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen.
• If you want some company, I'll come right over.

You might speak face to face, over the phone or via text, but don't forget the value of sending a hand-written card through the mail. However you communicate, be genuine and generous with your words.

2) Do Something

It's tempting to say "Let me know if you need anything," but most people dealing with hardship or loss either don't know what to ask for, feel funny about asking or just plain forget about your offer.

Instead, try offering to do something specific such as:

• Can I give you a hug?
• Here's a gift card to DoorDash. Dinner's on me.
• Can I mow your lawn this week? What day works best?
• Do you have a meal train set up? If not, I'll get one started.
• Does your child need a ride home from school this week? I'm happy to drive them.
• I'm at the grocery store. What can I grab for you while I'm here?
• Can I come [walk your dog, fold laundry, clean your bathrooms, rake your leaves, etc.]?

Think about practical needs that you can meet, then offer that freely and specifically.

3) Give Something

Giving a small gift helps make our kind words land. "I'm here to help" means more when it's written on a note attached to a freezer meal or care package.

Not sure what to give? Here are some ideas:

• Make a batch of homemade granola or a jar of spiced friendship tea.
• Bake breakfast bars, cookies or muffins.
• Prep a few freezer meals.
• Put together an age-appropriate activity bag for their kids. Include things like coloring books, games, bubbles or puzzles — anything kids can do independently.
• Send flowers or a plant.
• Ask fellow acquaintances/friends to pitch in to hire a cleaning crew to make weekly visits to clean your friend or loved one's home.
• Make a care package for the hospital waiting room or an airplane ride if they're going out of town. Protein bars, magazines, change for the vending machine, a new book, tissues, gum — anything that they might not think to grab for themselves before rushing out the door.

Giving a thoughtful gift doesn't require a lot of money. While big-ticket items are certainly appreciated, they don't say "I care about you" any more than a handmade card and a batch of homemade muffins does.

It's about the thought and the gesture more than the price tag.

Make gift baskets with items from the dollar store, bake banana bread with ingredients you already have on hand, loan out your favorite book or make a bouquet with flowers from your own garden. Little gestures go a long way.

Something Is Better than Nothing

If you're a chronic illness patient, you understand how it feels to be seen and have your hurt acknowledged. True, bringing up the painful, awkward or emotional situation can certainly feel uncomfortable, especially since it's hard for people to accept help. But staying silent is worse than stumbling over your words. So say something. Do something. Give something. Even if it's a simple card with a kind sentiment.

Silence says "Your hurt doesn't matter, and neither do you." But when you say, do or give something, simple as it may be, it says "Your hurt matters, and you do, too."