*********************INTRODUCTION************************************************************************

Now the name of this performance is Who Am I, Again?,
and, well, I am Lethan

And what I’m going to do tonight is share with you a verbal collage of stories about Traumatic Brain Injury,
beginning with my story.

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I was 17 years old,
A high school senior in the small town of Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania,
and I was ready to get out of Bloomsburg.

See, I had a plan -
I was going to be an actor

Okay, well, study theatre in…
I don’t know…New York…Los Angeles…where are we…Korea? I don’t kn- Anyplace that wasn’t small town Pennsylvania.

And I was at that age, I was having a lot of fights with my parents,
you know, I would say things like, 
“Mom, Dad, I don’t Need you anymore - you are just the weights holding me down, like, keeping my creative spirit from soaring!
I am going to do whatever I want to do, Okay!

Ummm….
can I borrow ten bucks.”

So that’s where I was, that’s the Setting for the story.

The date, November 4th, 1999.
Its a little after 7 o’clock in the evening, I’m driving my sister to her school,

See, its a small school, and her eighth grade class has decided to have a sleepover party at the school, and because I used to attend - and just got my license - I’m elected as the chauffeur,

and When I get there, I remember reminiscing with my former French teacher,
getting into the car, waving goodb-
Auvour…

And the last thing I remember is seeing my French teacher, in my rear-view mirror,
waving goodbye, to me, as I drove off into the night.

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An introduction serves to present the situation from where the story begins.  This segment of the piece quickly depicts the situation from which I began the journey of recovery - a 17 year old boy living in relatively safe, small town America - but the point where this story begins shouldn’t be the focus. 

Brain injury can happen to anyone, regardless of demographic - granted, there are particular ages and occupations that have a statically more likely chance of TBI, but when an injury occurs to any person, those statistics are meaningless.  In nearly every social group I have been involved with (as a public speaker or a social person), at least one other person will have stories about brain injury affecting their life.  This may be a personal experience or the story of somebody emotionally close (a friend or family member), yet seldom are these stories shared.  The stories are difficult, frightening, and while they might be peppered with humorous situations, they can quickly make an unprepared listener feel uncomfortable.  These are not stories usually used to meet people.

Yet these stories must be shared.  There are countless reasons these stories should be shared, but I’ve chosen 4 (listed below) that I will discuss in what follows.  Please note, there are many more reasons that stories of recovery should be shared, but I have chosen these 4 because the reasoning is relatively easy for any reader to understand and I believe my research and experiences allow me to provide appropriate commentary.

WHY STORIES OF RECOVERY FROM TBI SHOULD BE SHARED

Stories provide inspiration for brain injury individuals and caregivers
Celebrating the rediscovery of self-identity
To raise the world awareness of TBI
So people know what to do if TBI happens

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STORIES PROVIDE INSPIRATION FOR BRAIN INJURED INDIVIDUALS AND CAREGIVERS

Memories from my recovery tend to be of an aggravated loneliness - feeling as if I had been expelled from society, a solitary trial-and-error method of discovering what I was capable of doing, frustrations when it seemed no-one could understand my experiences - specifics from these memories will be discussed in later entries, but loneliness and anti-social behaviors after TBI are relatively common.  I suggest that a survivor will feel this way, at least in part, because a brain injury is often not physically apparent and the experience itself is ineffable - therefore a survivor has difficulties adequately communicating emotional difficulties to those who have likely not had a similar experience.  This inability to be understood when describing problems caused by the injury can cause a survivor to retreat from social contacts - creating an introspective whirlpool of angst that drags one further into the depths of a saddened solitude that he or she does not know how to share.

Similarly, the experience of caring for a person recovering from TBI creates a complicated maze of situations and obstacles that has the potential to create a confounding set of internal emotional conflicts - the focus is centered around the surviving, healing individual and it is easy to overlook the pains and difficulties enshrouding those close to the survivor.  A caregiver is giving a part of him or her self to assist in the healing, particularly in early recovery, yet often this work goes unappreciated because it doesn’t seem to create any real (read as ‘immediate’) results - a discouraging situation for any person.

Stories cannot magically fix the frustrations of a survivor or caregiver, but they can provide context.  People involved in any part of the recovery process must approach the situation prepared for any result - an understanding that a survivor may never regain full social competence, but also that, with due diligence, one may make unexpected leaps in recovery despite weeks, months, or even years with seemingly little change in condition.  Similarly, survivors must be made aware of the sacrifices made on their behalf - not to make the survivor feel indebted to anyone, but to better understand that healing is a group effort - that the people caring for a survivor are forced to pick paths of recovery from a menagerie of medical choices and that the “correctness” of a decision can never be fully known.  Survivors and caregivers have strikingly different stories of the same events and there is no way to equivocate the experiences, but to recognize that both sets of stories exist can help everyone appreciate the other’s journey.

When sharing my story with audiences of survivors and caregivers, the experience of seeing heads nod in understanding provides a strange release - a recognition that my emotions and events are not unique or strange.  Similarly, after sharing, audience members will come to me and share stories - often remarkably similar - that they had previously felt uncomfortable sharing.  Stories begat stories - the memories of one person can spark similar memories in another - and by sharing people can sympathize and appreciate the common experience of recovery.

Furthermore, survivors at advanced stages of recovery can share their experience and inspire those at early stages.  Everyone with TBI gets raked through the sludge, and it is important to learn that there are ways to pull oneself out of that muck and adapt to one’s new situation - yes, the textbook wisdom offered by councilors and rehabilitation therapists is valuable, but the personal story of a survivor who has been there and learned how to manage a situation can have a deeper, rejuvenating effect.

In the American storytelling community there is a saying - “We all have the same story, just the details are different.”  The idea is, more often than not, that experiences have common emotions that occur in the natural happens of life, but the way these emotions come to fruition is as varied as flowers in a meadow.  I believe this is especially true with recovery from TBI - granted, every person has his or her unique story and the circumstances surrounding will be markedly different from any other event, but by sharing our story and listening to the stories of others, we can celebrate and appreciate a commonality in our unique set of difficulties.

CELEBRATING THE REDISCOVERY OF SELF-IDENTITY

Life is a constant rollercoaster of change - large dips and small - sometimes we must make the long climb to reach the peak before we experience a long anticipated change - or sometimes it will be an unexpected turn or dip that catches us unprepared as it alters our course.  When on an amusement ride, these exhilarating moments are celebrated (provided one doesn’t fear rollercoasters) and it’s the thrill of discovering the next turn that makes us want to ride.

The twists of life, however, are not always celebrated with the same exuberance, and rarely does an unanticipated dip leave one wanting more of the same - yet it is this constant, often unexpected, change that allows life to be a dynamic experience.  The inevitability of change in life is unavoidable - employment, relationships, accident, illness, or any infinity of reasons - but to view this change as necessarily negative is a convention many cling to because of an innate desire for stability and a fear of the unknown.  It must be remembered that change is also an opportunity for growth - the opening of a new path, though not necessarily a path you would choose on your own.  Brain injury is an example of this “new path” presented in a painfully dramatic manner.

This is NOT a suggestion to celebrate Traumatic Brain Injury - terming it “Traumatic” correctly implies that the event is a trauma - but the opportunity for self discovery after such a trauma has the potential to be as much a boon as a burden. 

At first glance, the changes caused by TBI are rarely positive - decreased skills, difficulties with emotional control, speech impairments. etc.. - but by accepting the necessary change imposed by TBI and holding them as a chance to change some aspect of one’s life, the experience of TBI can be a - maybe not blessing - but an opportunity in disguise.  Recovery should be about - “How do I find who I am now and use my current skills?” -  and not - “How do I become the same as I was before?”  By listening to stories of recovery, a survivor can hear how the process of self-rediscovery occurred in other people - learn of successes and failures - frustration and joy - observe a story from the outside, and hopefully use this to draw beneficial parallels to his or her own experience.

Furthermore, the process of molding a person’s memories of recovery into a comprehendible narrative allows the speaking survivor to observe his or her own healing progression and to better understand the contextual facts surrounding the experience.  I propose that this performative process assists in the introspective healing journey of a survivor. 

I recognize this is a bold statement and I draw from my own artistic experience when proposing this - to be discussed more in future posts - but my artistic journey in short: by narrating my own experience, I was able to somewhat emotionally remove myself from the story - witnessing the events that happened instead of reveling in the emotions.  This allowed me to see the story as a series of interconnected moments, and to better understand what caused events that had previously caused confusion.  This new understanding helped me to appreciate my new journey - to recognize what brought me to this moment in life - and to more fully embrace who I am Now.

Please note, I recognize that this creates all sorts of questions, and I will discuss it more in future postings, but this premise is one of the reasons I believe storytelling is an important tool in the recovery process.

TO RAISE WORLD AWARENESS OF TBI

Recently, brain injury has received increased media attention in the United States - war veterans returning from the middle-east, brain damage in American Football, the shooting of Representative Gabrielle Giffords - but in many ways these continue to cloud the reality of TBI.  The majority of cases that are discussed in this increased media awareness involve men and women in prime physical condition and receiving some of the best healthcare available - yet many who experience TBI do not have such privileges. 

As stated above, the majority of my conversations about TBI reveal that at least one other person in the group has been affected by an experience, yet people don’t tend to want to talk about the difficulties of recovery.  This helps no-one.  The world needs to internally understand the regularity of brain injury - to recognize that TBI can happen to anyone and can never be anticipated.

This conversation is beginning to some degree - various books outlining the experience of recovery, the TBI voices project started by Attorney Gordon Johnson, active brain injury advocacy networks - but there is still a long road before the facts of recovery from TBI are truly part of the international psyche, yet every story shared is a step down this path.

SO PEOPLE KNOW WHAT TO DO IF TBI HAPPENS

As above, brain injury can happen to anyone, but is a difficult topic of conversation.  I do not suggest that brain injury should be a casual conversation topic - that we all talk about it at the next dinner party - tends to be a conversation downer - but if the topic is clearly in the national and international dialogue, should a person experience TBI, the uncertainties of the experience can be better anticipated.  There is no “cure” for TBI, the experience will happen and difficulties will ensue - but by being aware of the paths a healing might take, it will be easier to find healing resources and to recognize potential choices.

Each time a story is shared, the listeners learn something new.

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These are my thoughts as I begin this project - it is from this situation and with these reasoned beliefs that I begin to look at the stories in Who am I, Again? - again.

All the stories in the piece have been affected by my understanding, as this understanding has grown through life experiences.  As I have just started the process of revisiting these memories, I do not have a clue where the writings will take us - but I invite you along for the ride.

Also, feel free to visit:

 THE SCRIPT we will be following for these reflections
the original THESIS paper
A VIDEO performance of Who am I, Again?

Thanks for reading.

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