Girlfriend is a woman or girl who a person is having a romantic or sexual relationship with. Profoundly inspirational funny girlfriend quotes will get you through anything when the going gets tough and help you succeed in every aspect of life.

If you’re searching for funniest quotes and best funny thanksgiving quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of profound funny diet quotes, amazing funny business quotes and top funny brother quotes.

Famous Funny Girlfriend Quotes

He’s like a brilliant, sexy little hummingbird. Leslie Knope

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

Real Love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings. David Sedaris

A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck

If you text I love you and the person writes back an emoji no matter what that emoji is they don’t love you back. Chelsea Peretti

Love is sharing your popcorn. Charles Schultz

True love is singing karaoke Under Pressure and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part. Mindy Kaling

Love is the same as like except you feel sexier. Judith Viorst

Love is like a fart, if you force it it’s probably crap. Joe Wiley

I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. Chico Marx

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Tim Allen

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. Cindy Garner

He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. Ring Lardner

It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud. Whitney Cummings

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. Jean Kerr

I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, And another thing. Felicia Michaels

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. Fran Lebowitz

While I may be left handed, I’ve yet to figure out that my spouse is always right! Matthew Alan House

Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. Phyllis Schlafly

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. Cindy Garner

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. Jean Kerr

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. Albert Einstein

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. Thomas Dewar

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. George Burns

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Mignon McLaughlin

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles M. Schulz

Love is the same as like except you feel sexier. Judith Viorst

Love is a mutual self giving which ends in self recovery. Fulton J. Sheen

As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy. Ralphie May

If you love em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. Miles Davis

Love is being stupid together. Paul Valery

Marriage is like vitamins we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. Kathy Mohnke

Love is a lot like a backache it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. George Burns

Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. Franklin P. Jones

 Marriage is like vitamins we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements. Kathy Mohnke

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. Bill Maher

What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. Cindy Garner

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. Ray Romano

Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do. Bettina Arndt

What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday. Cindy Garner

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. Fran Lebowitz

If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools. Katherine Mansfield

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. Fran Lebowitz

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. Erich Segal

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. Will Ferrell

I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? Jean Illsley Clarke

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. Garry Shandling

Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator. Helen Gurley Brown

Being a good husband is like being a stand up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. Jerry Seinfeld

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. Les Dawson

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings. and lawyers. Richard Pryor

If you text I love you to a person and the person writes back an emoji no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. Chelsea Peretti

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. Ray Romano

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. Will Ferrell

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. Woodrow Wyatt

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. Albert Einstein

If you text I love you to a person and the person writes back an emoji no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. Chelsea Peretti

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler

Women love a self confident bald man. Larry Bald

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen

It’s fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything. Lew Schneider

My wife was afraid of the dark then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. Rodney Dangerfield

I had a dream that I still loved you. I think I woke up screaming. Christine

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. Johnny Carson

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye opener. Pauline Thomason

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. Ray Romano

A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. Rose Wilder Lane

If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards. J.A. Redmerski

I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? Jean Illsley Clarke

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. Joan Crawford

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. Cathy Carlyle

My last love is just like that thong peter griffin borrowed from me. Never getting it back. Refinnej Sin

People should fall in love with their eyes closed. Andy Warhol

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale. Hussein Nishah

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield

In any perfect relationship men should remember it’s a matter of direction; she takes what’s right and you take what’s left. Solitaire Parke

I can’t make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75. Rob Delaney

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. Judith Viorst

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. Richard Jeni

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. Erich Segal

You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. Dr. Seuss

If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools. Katherine Mansfield

If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards. J.A. Redmerski

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. Tim Allen

It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you. John Green

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. Natasha Leggero

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. Joan Crawford

The great question which I have not been able to answer is, What does a woman want? Freud

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. Albert Einstein

My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside Made in Taiwan! Leopold Fechtner

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.  Lemony Snicket

Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator. Helen Gurley Brown

As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy. Ralphie May

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. Joan Crawford

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. Tommy Dewar

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. George Carlin

Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re enlist. James Garner

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. David Bissonette

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante

Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator. Helen Gurley Brown

We’re like Romeo Juliet. Except for the dying part of course. Justina

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. Johnny Carson

Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore. Bree Luckey

Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day and remembering to carry out the trash. Joyce Brothers

The more she turned right the more I turned wrong. Mark W. Boyer

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