12:55am

I hate this feeling. It is 1 am and I'm supposed to be in bed aiding myself to sleep. Yet no matter how alarming my meditation soundtrack prevails or how smoothing my plants swayed lullaby: I can't stop thinking.

People die every day, it's inevitable as to how destiny was laid upon the individual.  And at every second on earth, someone is reincarnated or born into either a place of fortune or a place of hope. And to think you have the right to teach your kids about love where one religion truly lack. People didn't choose to go to war knowing what's left tomorrow, they did it because they were told to do so. Simple propaganda slipping through your mind like an LSD, eager to take on the world having feared nothing, in hope that your legacy will be left behind and one day, people will tell their kids all about you.

Silly pride. If a God speaks; that is: you simply perish into dust and will never resurface. Your soul belongs to a jar where all evil souls go to - Satan. He consumes you, we shake hands, and sing Kumbaya one last time before he takes off for a more important journey.

You beg and beg and beg. Time seemed like an eternity because it is. There is no time, only wait.

All these unnecessary fighting and suicide bombings, at the end of all, is it even worth it?

We often read the bible and pray for forgiveness, for your sins blah blah blah, for hope blah and for good health that comes with good fortune together in a package during prayers. Every Christians that I've met tell me that Jesus will forgive your sins if you kneel and pray. But do each of us actually owe him more than just prayers? Do we owe him an explanation as to how humanity (God's creation) had deteriorated so bad that even Mother Nature is losing her patience?  We take and take, draining her energy and resources, yet we didn't give back. For why? All for a fucking piece of trophy price?

I remember during primary school, teachers always remind us that we have to study hard and contribute to society when we grow up. It didn't occur as anything significant to us since we were just mischevious kids trying to sell mealworms to one class and another. And no matter how old I become, I can never figure out or understand what contributing to society really means. If it means slaying in the corporate world while contributing that percentage of tax to the government as a "thank you for your service" gift, then no.

Held back, unable to fight. But here whining like a bitch. Pretty contradictory.

Some say I worry too much, and I probably should stop before a strand of white hair grows. It pains me, stunts my growth, yet I simply must continue. It's extremely hopeless at my end. I do not possess the power but only more hatred for mankind. I want to cry for the world but my tears are dry.

Oh. And I'm not an introvert. I was born with a mouth loud enough to fill the echoes of the football field. I chose to silence myself in a room full of the egoistic and self-centered individual - that kinda makes me the smartest kid in the room.