It’s hard to remember who I was.
The last time I saw you.
I wonder if you can still see the fire in my eyes.
I wonder if it’s still there.
Have I fallen one too many times?
Have I witness the heartbreak, that couldn’t be mended.
Or maybe I gave up,
A decade too soon or a decade too late, it’s hard to say.
The crowd that use to be in the stands,
Has dwindled to one shouting man.
Keep going!!! Is all I hear from the bleachers.
Even if you never reach us.
Never quit trying to teach us.
I buried my best friend. Literally, I buried him. He was in a white sheet and as I threw dirt over his lifeless body; I noticed blood trickling down my hand. Three drops of blood landed on where I could only imagine his head rested. After the burial and final words; after the family dinner that I was honored to be apart of but at the same time, felt strangely out of place. I remember thinking, he didn’t sell drugs, he didn’t bang’ he was a student at Temple. He flunked out of college the first time, and followed through with his promise to get back. It was New years morning, at about 9:30 am when I received the phone call. Things have never been the same since..
What was this all about, what was the purpose of life. In my naive years, I thought it was meant to be experienced. You know, live and let God. Show love and love will be shown, but something went wrong.. Was it purpose?.. no.. was it sin?.. I mean nobody is perfect but how could we let a lie run our lives. When did we lose the passion? When did we forget compassion? How shallow were our desires? Call me naive, but I thought we wanted each other to succeed, I could never imagine the effect of jealousy, envy, greed. I sound like I’m straight out the bible with talks of righteousness, as if I were a purest, but the truth is. I like when I see you smile. Most of the times I don’t know how to approach you but I would never judge you. I suffer from lust too; hell, I count my sins every night and pray for forgiveness in the morning. I just didn’t see, we’ve become our worst enemy. Deporting immigrants, shooting innocent victims, restrictions on freedoms and liberties. Rules and regulations, taxation without representation, hear I go again; reading off the list of conspiracies and manipulations.
Have you ever stopped and wondered… Maybe we’re doing it wrong. The wars, the famine, the disease, the genocide, the discrimination, the tyranny, the inequality, the judgement, the public displays of injustice. The rich the poor, the gluttons, the starvation. Have we really accepted this, the unrelenting cycle of… make money money money.. make money money money. Excuse me hip hop has had a rather strong influence on my life.
The fact remains my best friend was shot dead at approximately 12:20 am New Years day 2013. We didn’t bat an eye. Very few mourned, even fewer changed theirs ways. If you look into my eyes.. could you see your pain. If you looked into your heart, what would be staring back at you?
I didn’t want to be an outcast, a rebel… well I never really had a choice. I just thought we we’re doing it wrong and I was the only one stubborn enough.. maybe even ignorant enough to say no.. Fuck your careers, your cars, your cash, your status, and especially your sense of righteousness. I never knew what turning my back on the system would do to me or the ones I loved but to ignore it would have certainly killed me. I wonder if my best friend is watching me.. no, actually I know he is. The day I buried him, the day I had that awkward dinner. I knew I was strong enough to leave.. leave it all behind, with nothing but the hope of finding something new. A new purpose. Truth.
Next Time Onnn Chronicles of Life: