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Existential Crisis - Week 3 of New Internship

Week 3 of my new Internship and not working a part time job. It feels weird.

And I think it just hit me now. Today. I miss my part time job. I miss the relationships I've developed and the people I would see every other day.

I honestly think I am having an existential crisis right now. I Love psychology and I love working with the kids, but I also love the freedom I had only working 4 days a week every other day for 6 -8 hours. Now, I'm working 5 days a week, 12 hours a day. They are VERY long days.

I guess I should probably mention what my internship is....

Well, my internship is working as a counselor in a summer treatment program for kids with ADHD and similar disorders. These kids are amazing and so sweet but this is my first time being out in the field actually doing something psychology related with actual children. Up until this point, all my knowledge has been theoretical and now I am seeing the things I learned about for 4 years in reality.

So, making the switch from part time retail job to full time clinical counselor for kids was a huge leap and very disorienting. I was out of my shell at my job (I am an extremely shy person) and I felt comfortable in the environment. At my internship, I feel stepped on and have no confidence whatsoever. I don't know if this is just because it is still very new to me or if it's because I feel stupid and pretty much like the weak link there. I am the oldest and went from part time job to this internship, while everyone else is younger than me and is still in college.

I have very mixed feelings and have no idea what I'm doing in my future, but this is only the first week with the kids (the first 2 weeks were training) and so far I love working with the kids. It is by far the most rewarding experience in my life so far, aside from babysitting. And I love babysitting.

This is what makes me think that I am meant to do this, but the long hours and amount of knowledge I need to retain but can't because my brain hates me is not something I am fond of. I wouldn't say I am a lazy person... I just worked 3 weeks straight 12 hours a day - not lazy. But I am VERY unmotivated and lose confidence very fast. I cannot tell you how many times I debated quitting during the first week alone.

The first 2 weeks of this program - the training portion - was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, without a doubt. It was intensive training. On the other hand, though, knowing that I got through the training alone, makes me think that I can get through this stuff. (Can you tell yet how confused I am and how wishy washy I am about all this?)

Since I haven't quit yet, I obviously won't. I think I'm past the "This is hard, I want to quit" stage, and I'm onto the "Well now what?" stage and the "Do I want to do this for my whole life" stage. I was never fond of working long hours - that is always something I wanted to avoid. I just don't think working that much is good for my well being, mentally and emotionally. There are others things I want to do with my life than devote it to making money. I want to do art, I want to travel, I want to explore and enjoy nature and life in general. I can't do that, I don't think, when I'm working 12 hours a day.

I will continue to track my feelings on this matter throughout the 10 week treatment program. I doubt my feelings toward my coworkers, or fellow counselors will change, and I already know I love the kids in my group... it's just a matter of my energy level and level of motivation that will help me decide whether this is something I ultimately want to pursue as opposed to a more calm and unstructured lifestyle that I was previously accustomed to.

So far, I am extremely out of my comfort zone, but as of tomorrow, I will have survived the first 3 weeks of this. Yay.

Be strong and don't let anything get in your way. Try new things, and leave your comfort zone, you never know what you'll learn. (:

This post first appeared on Agunia's Secret Garden, please read the originial post: here

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Existential Crisis - Week 3 of New Internship


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