When I look back at the previous year as probably what most people do during the beginning of a new year, I tried to assess what 2019 was to me. In three words, it has been busy, challenging, and liberating.

Since returning to school to finish my college degree, the previous year was filled with so many tasks academically as I took more subjects, my time was stretched thin struggling to get good grades and of course performing my job as an English trainer for Chinese students, in the same college where I am studying. 2019 gave me a lot of long hours and often kept me up on my toes as I had to finish things faster if I am to maintain my job and my academic grades.

Aside from the time constraint, I also met a lot of new people and professors among others whom I had to interact with  and not all of them was a walk in the park. There were those who despite my best efforts simply did not seem to like me or much less cared to make friends. But that's all right because I still managed to make a lot of new ones who accepted me and accorded me with their trust and respect.

Despite the challenges that work and my lessons provided, I also had to contend with a relationship I tried to pursue and build, and it took a lot from me, nearly driving me bonkers. The one in the photo was Mark and yes another Mark, which I don't know why but it seems any man with that name often leads me somewhere unpleasant. I fell for him and of course, I am pretty vocal about it, and so was he. He rejected me, but I kept telling myself something can still be done, so I repeatedly tried but alas, I ended up finding myself in a position where even my self respect was being tested, and I guess if there is anything all these years of living has taught me is that I can no longer go through that same process. I have discovered that at my age, I am no longer capable of sacrificing self-respect in exchange for someone's approval.

And so like a drop of water waking me from a deep sleep, I woke up and decided that I have tried everything I can and that painful as it maybe I have to step away from that relationship, because I am worth more, I have to believe that I am special if not to him at least to some other people, like my family, and if I continue to walk the path of degrading myself, I know I will eventually suffer and soon even those I care about would suffer.

I have truly felt strong for Mark, but if there is one thing I know now, I am not going to throw away everything for the sake of a feeling, because I have had a long history of giving in to these feelings that lead to disappointments. I want to spare myself from that and I have to remember that he was not part of the plan of why I went back to school.

Thankfully, I ended 2019 regaining my focus and understanding once again what my purpose and what truly mattered to me. It feels liberating and so I begin this year with renewed hope and conviction, and instead of a petty  and meaningless affair, I look forward to making the dean's list and hopefully a full scholarship - 2020 here I come!