So, my mom has been after my case for a really long time. Each of our conversation always ends up with her advising me to get married asap and that life without a partner is incomplete. Initially I had been avoiding this topic altogether. But everyone reaches a point in their existence where they crave for a partner to share the experiences of their life together. In addition, the daily news of your friends, cousins, juniors, seniors etc. getting married on social media, acted as a trigger and I too thought it was time for me to get married. So, I finally accepted my mother’s wishes and started search for my ideal partner on the matrimonial sites.

    I thought I will just put my profile on some good Indian matrimonial sites, shortlist some  nice girls, talk to them for a reasonable amount of time, finally meet them personally in India (I am currently in USA) and then take the most important decision of my life. I have a pretty decent profile and thus I was a bit overconfident that this should work out relatively easily. After all I have done my undergraduate studies from one of the most prestigious engineering college in India, had arguably one of the most coveted software jobs in India, did my masters from one of the most sought after universities in the world and would soon be working for one of the hottest Silicon Valley startups. Education check. Decent money check. In addition, I am extremely good in Sports and have played Table Tennis and Cricket at State level, I dance, I write, I read. At the risk of sounding boastful, I am a jack of all trades and I am in general a pretty well rounded person with decent looks. I thought such traits were good enough to project you as an “eligible bachelor“. I couldn’t have been more wrong. All my assumptions about what a girl’s family looks in an ideal guy in arranged marriages in India, were shattered for the most part. Let’ see what really transpired !!

1) Caste : I had heard that Caste is a big deal in India. But I never knew the gravity of the situation till I actually started the bride hunt. The girl’s family seem to be hell-bent on matching caste, sub-caste and every goddamn further sub-classification that you could possibly think off. I sent expression of interests to so many girls from other subcaste who looked decent (yes, boys do consider looks first :D), with reasonable education or job credentials. I was immediately rejected. I was shocked. I believed that with my background, I atleast deserved some consideration from a  girl’s family. It’s just that she was a “different” kind of baniya and I am a “different” kind of baniya. And this happened on many other occasions.

    I found a very simple trend regarding which girls generally express interest to a guy on matrimonial sites. I was getting a lot of expression of interest from within my subcaste. Unfortunately, my caste (Rauniyaar Baniya) for the most part is apparently pretty backward, most of the families are still very conservative and girls are not that highly educated. So, I was not that interested in majority of them. In case, the expression came from some other caste/sub-caste it was mostly because there was something “missing” in the girl which forced them to try other options. Some cases that I saw was that if the girl is extremely short in height, had very ordinary education etc. Only in those cases they relaxed the caste criteria. Matrimonial sites are a classic example of survival of the fittest theory.

    Why should caste matter so much, I still don’t know ? I have heard some stupid reasons that it makes it easier for the boy or girl to acclimatize to the customs, if they are from the same community. How dumb is that ? We solve really tough, challenging real-world problems in our job and academia everyday. Do you think understanding your new customs and adopting it, is even remotely a challenge for us ? You must be kidding me. 

    I feel really helpless with this caste system. Is it my fault I was born in such a backward sub-caste ? I am as educated, as successful, as capable as any of the “higher-up” caste guys. Personally, I don’t have any restrictions on caste. For that matter, I don’t even have restrictions on religion, country or anything (My family might object to this clause though :)). I just want the girl to be sensible, independent and educated (Beauty would be an additional icing on the cake :)). Unfortunately, my sub-caste is still pretty backward when it comes to education and their thinking. And I just don’t want to compromise on these factors because my life is at stake.

2) Horoscope : This factor really drove me crazy. For god sake, we live in 21st century and I pity those Indians who still believe in this crap. I feel sorry for all those parents who think they can judge my aptness for their daughter by knowing the precise position of stars when I was born . How retarded is that ? I had a really funny and depressing incident while talking to one of the girls. I had used an online tool to generate my horoscope, since it is a big deal for all the parents. I found that my nakshatra is “Poorvapalguni”. Then one of the girls pinged me and told me that I am a goddamn Manglik. I was clueless. I again checked on a different site and found that indeed I am a Manglik, but a lucky one. If a Manglik is born on Tuesday, then there is no “mangal dosh”. So, I dodged a bullet. Yuppie !! But I still asked that girl if it would have mattered to her, had I been a Manglik. She told me that it would have been all over, had I been a Manglik. She even went ahead and told me great stories of why astrology matters and how people pre-pone the time of birth of babies using pre-mature surgeries to have a “perfect horoscope“. During our conversation, I felt that my intelligence was literally eroding with every crappy reason on why astrology is the way to go in arranged marriages. She was a sweet girl, but I was just so disappointed in her !!

3) Matching Problem : I found in general that matrimony is a very complex matching problem. This is a transaction in which both parties are trying to achieve the best possible result. Unfortunately, the only optimal solution is that both the boy and the girl have to meet at the middle of their expectation spectrum. At the risk of sounding chauvinistic, girls are looking for a guy much higher than their level and guys are looking for girls from their level downwards. If a guy is looking for a girl who has same or higher level of education and job as him, it would rarely work out. Such a girl will always be targeting a guy 5 times better than her, atleast in terms of education and financial status. So, in arranged marriages guys always have to look downwards from their level and hope they don’t end up compromising much. I talked to a couple of my friends who are actively looking for brides and it was funny and sad to see how they had to “compromise” and reduce their level of expectations more and more with the passage of time (first beauty is dropped, then education etc etc .) before they were willing to reluctantly settle. You just wish that you don’t end up compromising much.

    So, how do I feel about my current situation? Frankly speaking, as a child I was made to believe that just work hard, become successful, be a good human being and some father would trust you to take care of his beautiful daughter. But the reality seems to be different. There are lots of extrinsic factors involved in arranged marriages, which are just not under my control. Sometimes, I am pissed off at God for giving me birth in such a backward caste. If only he could have given me birth as an aggarwal or some other higher caste, things might have been so simpler. Sometimes I think if I had stayed back in India, searching would have been a lot easier. Looking back I should have had the courage to find my soulmate on my own, instead of going through the fractured arranged marriage system. But let’s keep that rant for some other day !!

    I haven’t lost all hope though. My sixth sense somehow tells me that I will be alright. I have fought hard throughout my life to rise above everyone around me by my sheer persistence and will power. I have traveled from the remote corners of Jharkhand to the land of opportunities USA, solely with my dogged determination and family support. Something inside me makes me believe that this minor setback can’t be the end of this dream journey. There is a soulmate for every person in this world. I am optimistic things would eventually work out for me and I would find her someday. I have to cling onto this ray of hope, however thin it maybe.

As the beautiful song  by Guided By Voices says ,

Everybody’s got a hold on hope
It’s the last thing that’s holding me.

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