Based on Rachel’s recent piece about what she’s learnt since turning 31, some unsolicited advice for those facing the big(ish) three oh, and things I’ve learnt up till this point. They’re all largely aimed at women because I don’t have a huge amount of experience at being a 30-something chap.
You realise that over time, you’ve started to give less of a shit about what other people think. Obviously you want to know if you’ve got your skirt stuck in your pants, or a piece of kale in your teeth, but their sneering about how you’re choosing to live can get to fuck.
At the same time, there’s somehow an increased sense of societal pressure about the life choices you’re making and what you have - or haven’t - managed to achieve by now. And while some is most definitely societal (grannies asking when you’re going to settle down, anyone, or any frickin’ Daily Mail headline from here to Kingdom Come?), I have a sneaking suspicion that most of the pressure comes from ourselves. I’m almost certain that no one I know is judging their friends for being single / not having bought a house / not having a ‘better’ job / having or not having had children… (Are you judging your friends for any of those things? Because if so, you’re frankly a bit of a dick.)
As a general rule, comparison is deeply unhelpful but sadly inevitable. Your friends might have a better job / shinier hair / a bigger flat. But you can almost guarantee they’re jealous of your thinner thighs / more free time / seemingly endless capacity for partying. Get on with your own thing and stop peering around enviously thinking about what you’ve not got. Someone looking like they have it all sorted means fuck all. THE GRASS IS JUST GREEN.
Life’s a bitch and it’s possible to have spots AND wrinkles. Seriously, what gives, skin fairy? On which note: if you’ve got the funds, upgrade your skin care. Your skin isn’t 21 any more. You need to look after it accordingly. On a good day, it’ll thank you for it.
If you were a precocious little shit like I was growing up, you probably grew up thinking you were somehow special, or different. By this point, you’ve probably (hopefully) grown out of that delusion. You’ve not been fingered by Destiny to be the UN Secretary General. Or Beyonce. You’re just another person who’s muddling through. And that absolutely does not make you a failure.
That said, if you really think you’d be ace at being UNSG, or Beyonce (or both? Why limit the dream?), knuckle down. Work out what will qualify you for that position and work really, really, really hard at those things. In all likelihood you’ll probably not end up there, but you’ll have given it your best shot, and not let yourself down by not trying.
Related: life probably doesn’t look how you expected it to at 10, 16, 21. That’s ok. How boring would it be if it did? And you know what? Life at 40, 65, 80 probably won’t look like it does in your head either.
If the millennial way of life is one that works for you, go for it. Travel, value the experiences, step out of the rat race. But don’t for a second think that gives you the right to judge people who work hard at the 9 - 5 (HAH! If only), have a home they love and a ‘conventional’ lifestyle. I have feelings about the prospect of paying for other people who haven’t bothered to think about how they’ll fund their old age. They’re not generous.
The patriarchy is real, and a pain in the arse. As a woman and as you get older, you begin to notice it increasingly, in ways that are highly detrimental to being able to just get on with shit. As my gal Gloria says, you’ll become more radical about it as you get older. If we all shout loudly enough, it will have to change.
If you’re a man, just LISTEN to women when they complain about how the patriarchy screws us. DON’T say that it’s not you. If you’re lucky enough to be floating through the world assuming you’re not part of the problem, you’ve just not thought about it for long enough. No. Don’t argue. Just listen. Learn.
There comes a point where, if you’re lucky enough, you might start to feel guilty about what you have in comparison to other people. Be aware of it, don’t pity other people, be understanding. And if what you’ve got is through sheer hard work rather than dumb luck, bugger the guilt, quite frankly.
There also comes a point where it gets hard to make new friends (not acquaintances, real, honest to god, will hold your hair back over the loo after too many tequilas, not judge you for anything, help you bury the body friends). At the same time, if there’s someone around whose presence is a drag, it’s ok not to have them around. Life’s too short for toxicity and selfishness.
Dating is hard. It only gets harder. Not a lot I can offer there. Just don’t settle. And realise that it’s not you: it’s luck.
I’ve always dismissed stress as a feeling you get at the precise moment when you’re under pressure. It’s so much more than that. Find ways that actually help you cope with it. I’m still struggling with this one, and spend the 90% of my life when I’m not on a beach in Thailand or galloping at full pelt across a field affected by it in at least some small way that I usually don’t even think about. Thankfully I have an extremely patient husband.
Be slightly pushier about stuff than feels comfortable. Lean in. You’ll be surprised at how far it gets you. It doesn’t come across as pushy: it comes across as confident.
You might feel a bit lonerish / pathetic / guilty about spending Saturday night in jogging bottoms on the sofa with Netflix and wildly preferring it to being - frankly - anywhere else in the world. You might feel just the same about spending every weekend in a hedonistic haze of drunken, ecstasy. There’s no point. If you’re not hurting other people, kick on.
There’s probably never such a thing as ‘a good time to have children’. There’s certainly always a reason not to. As far as I can work out, as a woman, you’ll always have to sacrifice something. (And yes, I do believe that sacrifice is the right word, I don’t care what you think about that.) Policies like shared parental leave are moving us GLACIALLY in the right direction, but if you’re 30ish now, they’re not enough by many country miles.
Of course, that’s if you’re fortunate enough to know how you feel about children. That’s a whole other emotional quagmire. You’re not alone, however you feel about this one. Talk to your female friends. If we’re all more open about this stuff, maybe we’ll figure out some answers. Or at least not feel like weirdos.
Kindness is so fucking important. Be kind. To everyone. No one is beneath your kindness.
You realise that over time, you’ve started to give less of a shit about what other people think. Obviously you want to know if you’ve got your skirt stuck in your pants, or a piece of kale in your teeth, but their sneering about how you’re choosing to live can get to fuck.
At the same time, there’s somehow an increased sense of societal pressure about the life choices you’re making and what you have - or haven’t - managed to achieve by now. And while some is most definitely societal (grannies asking when you’re going to settle down, anyone, or any frickin’ Daily Mail headline from here to Kingdom Come?), I have a sneaking suspicion that most of the pressure comes from ourselves. I’m almost certain that no one I know is judging their friends for being single / not having bought a house / not having a ‘better’ job / having or not having had children… (Are you judging your friends for any of those things? Because if so, you’re frankly a bit of a dick.)
As a general rule, comparison is deeply unhelpful but sadly inevitable. Your friends might have a better job / shinier hair / a bigger flat. But you can almost guarantee they’re jealous of your thinner thighs / more free time / seemingly endless capacity for partying. Get on with your own thing and stop peering around enviously thinking about what you’ve not got. Someone looking like they have it all sorted means fuck all. THE GRASS IS JUST GREEN.
Life’s a bitch and it’s possible to have spots AND wrinkles. Seriously, what gives, skin fairy? On which note: if you’ve got the funds, upgrade your skin care. Your skin isn’t 21 any more. You need to look after it accordingly. On a good day, it’ll thank you for it.
If you were a precocious little shit like I was growing up, you probably grew up thinking you were somehow special, or different. By this point, you’ve probably (hopefully) grown out of that delusion. You’ve not been fingered by Destiny to be the UN Secretary General. Or Beyonce. You’re just another person who’s muddling through. And that absolutely does not make you a failure.
That said, if you really think you’d be ace at being UNSG, or Beyonce (or both? Why limit the dream?), knuckle down. Work out what will qualify you for that position and work really, really, really hard at those things. In all likelihood you’ll probably not end up there, but you’ll have given it your best shot, and not let yourself down by not trying.
Related: life probably doesn’t look how you expected it to at 10, 16, 21. That’s ok. How boring would it be if it did? And you know what? Life at 40, 65, 80 probably won’t look like it does in your head either.
If the millennial way of life is one that works for you, go for it. Travel, value the experiences, step out of the rat race. But don’t for a second think that gives you the right to judge people who work hard at the 9 - 5 (HAH! If only), have a home they love and a ‘conventional’ lifestyle. I have feelings about the prospect of paying for other people who haven’t bothered to think about how they’ll fund their old age. They’re not generous.
The patriarchy is real, and a pain in the arse. As a woman and as you get older, you begin to notice it increasingly, in ways that are highly detrimental to being able to just get on with shit. As my gal Gloria says, you’ll become more radical about it as you get older. If we all shout loudly enough, it will have to change.
If you’re a man, just LISTEN to women when they complain about how the patriarchy screws us. DON’T say that it’s not you. If you’re lucky enough to be floating through the world assuming you’re not part of the problem, you’ve just not thought about it for long enough. No. Don’t argue. Just listen. Learn.
There comes a point where, if you’re lucky enough, you might start to feel guilty about what you have in comparison to other people. Be aware of it, don’t pity other people, be understanding. And if what you’ve got is through sheer hard work rather than dumb luck, bugger the guilt, quite frankly.
There also comes a point where it gets hard to make new friends (not acquaintances, real, honest to god, will hold your hair back over the loo after too many tequilas, not judge you for anything, help you bury the body friends). At the same time, if there’s someone around whose presence is a drag, it’s ok not to have them around. Life’s too short for toxicity and selfishness.
Dating is hard. It only gets harder. Not a lot I can offer there. Just don’t settle. And realise that it’s not you: it’s luck.
I’ve always dismissed stress as a feeling you get at the precise moment when you’re under pressure. It’s so much more than that. Find ways that actually help you cope with it. I’m still struggling with this one, and spend the 90% of my life when I’m not on a beach in Thailand or galloping at full pelt across a field affected by it in at least some small way that I usually don’t even think about. Thankfully I have an extremely patient husband.
Be slightly pushier about stuff than feels comfortable. Lean in. You’ll be surprised at how far it gets you. It doesn’t come across as pushy: it comes across as confident.
You might feel a bit lonerish / pathetic / guilty about spending Saturday night in jogging bottoms on the sofa with Netflix and wildly preferring it to being - frankly - anywhere else in the world. You might feel just the same about spending every weekend in a hedonistic haze of drunken, ecstasy. There’s no point. If you’re not hurting other people, kick on.
There’s probably never such a thing as ‘a good time to have children’. There’s certainly always a reason not to. As far as I can work out, as a woman, you’ll always have to sacrifice something. (And yes, I do believe that sacrifice is the right word, I don’t care what you think about that.) Policies like shared parental leave are moving us GLACIALLY in the right direction, but if you’re 30ish now, they’re not enough by many country miles.
Of course, that’s if you’re fortunate enough to know how you feel about children. That’s a whole other emotional quagmire. You’re not alone, however you feel about this one. Talk to your female friends. If we’re all more open about this stuff, maybe we’ll figure out some answers. Or at least not feel like weirdos.
Kindness is so fucking important. Be kind. To everyone. No one is beneath your kindness.
