With pregnancy comes a weirdly enhanced sense of smell: part pregnant, part bloodhound.

They date your pregnancy from the date of your last period. More informed people might know this already. I had no idea. Weird? Yes. Any point in arguing that it's mathematically pointless to do so because your husband was on a work trip and you have a much better sense of actual dates? Not on your nelly.

Pregnancy hair is a glorious thing. If you've been in search of thickness and volume your entire life, the second trimester is going to knock your socks off. (I'm in denial about it all falling out afterwards. Don't talk to me about that.)

You're not meant to sleep on your back, because the weight of the baby can press on the vena cava and cut the blood supply to both of you. Joys. Good luck getting any sleep at all, and enjoying the huge sense of guilt that washes over you when you do wake up on your back.

Feeling the baby move, particularly early on, is downright weird. It's like being tickled on the soles of your feet, just on the inside of your belly. Pro-tip for dads: don't ask, the first time the mother of your child tells you she's felt the baby move, whether she doesn't just have indigestion.

'Baby brain' isn't a faintly sexist thing people say about pregnant women. Or rather, it isn't just a faintly sexist thing people say about pregnant women – it's an honest to god phenomenon. Confused, forgetful, unable to conjure words let alone sentences while you're on the phone to prominent journalists explaining a tricky issue? All symptoms eliciting different levels of frustration, annoyance and panic – as well as peculiar objects turning up in the fridge.

It's not just booze, good cheese and riding that come off the agenda. Caffeine in any decent quantity and ibuprofen are also verboten. Ideal when you're not sleeping and have every ache and pain under the sun.

Babies in the womb get hiccups. Who knew? Mostly cute, if a little like you're incubating a metronome. Or, y'know, a bomb.

Your feet swell beyond all human proportion. They can expand up to a size. And here's the kicker (excuse the pun): sometimes they don't go back. Stuff nightmares are made of.

Everyone has an opinion on your body and your plans. And they're not afraid to share them. Telling them their opinions aren't wanted is apparently not the done thing. Who knew?