Okay. Take a deep breath people. This one is about my penis.

There will be no pictures.

This year I have become addicted to tanning. Yes, I go to a tanning salon. Yes, I live in Florida. Yes, I realize many of you think that makes me weird. Well trust me, if it wasn't that fact that made you think I was weird there are a myriad of other facts you could choose from.

Now how many posts about a penis are going to contain the word "myriad"? How well read am I?

When I first started tanning I was as white as a ghost. I was so without color I was practically translucent. So I had to start slowly. Six minutes. Eight minutes. You get the idea. And when I started I kept my underwear on. I did not want the nethers to get crispy, you know? Nothing worse than crispy nethers.

And I was glad I did. Because those first few weeks were a little uncomfortable as I laid the base down. Lots of aloe was employed, if you get my drift.

So it has been several months now and I have quite a nice tan, thank you very much. Of course, when I am naked, it looks like I am wearing a pair of very white shorts. My nethers and ass practically glow in the dark. If we put a blacklight in the bedroom we could make some pretty freaky movies. Blow your mind, homes.

So now I am thinking that maybe it is time to go the extra mile and go for the all-over tan. This leads to many questions. Obviously I can't sit there naked for the whole twenty minutes. When it was over, you would be able to fry an egg on my balls. But how many minutes to start? Five? Six? And should I do it at the beginning or the end? If I do it at the beginning, the lamps will be a little cooler, but then I have to get out, put the underwear on, and get back in. If I do it at the end, I can just take off the underwear while I am in the bed, but the lamps will be hotter.

See what I mean?

I was hoping the manager would be there when I stopped in yesterday, because she is probably about my age and a retired cop, and has seen it all, so I was hoping to ask her advice. But she was not there. And I was not about to ask the giggly 19 year old blonde who was manning the desk anything about my Dingus Deluxe. So I had to wing it.

I decided to do it at the end. Of course that meant I had to keep checking the timer to see how many minutes were left, but that was a minor inconvenience. Then, with about six minutes to go I took the plunge and whipped off the briefs.

And then the neuroticism kicked in. Big time. Overdrive.

I worried about my Dangling Participle. What if there was floppage to one side? Do I need to be cognizant of that? If there is, do I need to turn it the other way halfway through, like when you cook a hotdog?

Sometimes it retracts to a certain degree like a frightened turtle. What if that happens for a number of sessions in a row? Then if I get an erection will my Fetus Feeler have rings on it? You know: brown/white/brown/white/brown/white/with a brown head? What the hell kind of look is that?

Is the answer to make sure my Hammer of Thor is erect during the session? That way I would ensure an all over tan. However, that leads to other complications. Like walking out of the room and into the reception area with a big old boner. That would sure give the coed something to giggle about.

I don't want to "take care of business" while I am lying there. The poor girls have enough to clean out of those things with all the lotion and sweat. I don't think they want to be scooping cum out of the bed.

Plus what if I have the top of the bed low enough that the tip of my Man Cannon touches it while standing at attention? I think that would be my least favorite place on my body to get burnt.

I have heard that some men put a sock on it when they tan. That to me makes no sense. Then when you are naked it would look like you were wearing a white condom all the time. To me, that image is very disturbing. Plus the sock would dangle over your biscuits, am I right? That is not a good look.

It should be an easy thing to do, shouldn't it? Yet this is the kind of minutia I get bogged down in all the time.

It's a wonder I even leave the house some days.