Rev up the racing metaphors: Arie Luyendyk is The Bachelor. You may remember Ari from passionately kissing Emily Maynard all around the world, only for her to choose Jef and his extremely high hair. Arie's back and he's a little older, a lot grayer, and selling a bunch of houses as a realtor, and ready to find love on television again. Per usual, Arie is given counsel by the wise elders of Bachelor past which is his buddy Sean Lowe, who seems to show up every year to provide guidance that the Bachelor barely heeds. With this important wisdom, Arie is ready to begin his Bachelor journey.
Chris Harrison does the hardest work he does all season by welcoming Arie to The Bachelor mansion, asking why he hasn't found love, and announce limos are coming with glee. There's an excessive amount of women, so let's only call out the ridiculous entrances for the sake of brevity. Tia from Weiner, Arkanas gives Arie a little weiner and I can't tell if it was a hot dog or miniature dildo. Bri throws a dirty softball, and Brittane J follows up by smacking a "Nice Butt" bumper sticker on Arie's behind. Bekah M rolls up in a '65 Mustang convertible, but is one-upped by Maquel getting escorted in a racercar. But don't worry, there are plenty of racecar puns including a checkered flag from Annaliese and Ali forces Arie to smell her armpits (pit stop, get it?). Marikh is a restaurant owner well versed in spices but wants some "salt and pepper" in her life. And there are four Laurens but only one of them brought props (mardi gras beads). This is going to be a long season.
Arie enters the house to officially commence the evening and the passive aggressive battle to get time with him before the Rose Ceremony. All the girls are trying to make an impression with more gags (Pizza! Safewords!) and deep convos which are quickly interrupted with the classic, "Can I steal you?" Chelsea grabs Arie first but is upset when Maquel steals him away. So Chelsea chooses to be "that girl" who gets time with the Bachelor twice and Chelsea opts to be that woman. Chelsea and Arie kiss, but she's not the first to get a smooch. That honor goes to Brittany T, who snuck Arie away for an epic race in Power Wheels. Arie is most interested in connecting with some good conversation which seems to happen. But it's Chelsea who gets the first impression rose because she's so mysterious but has confidence to grab him twice.
Chris Harrison clinks the champagne glass to corral the herd and let them know a Rose Ceremony is coming. Arie begins listing off names of women and hell if I know who half of them are, but there's a large chance the names are Lauren. Three Laurens make it through and Mardi Gras Lauren is eliminated. Also leaving are Armpit Ali, Brittane J, tanning salon owner Amber, and a very sad Jessica who hoped Arie was the one since her dad, who passed away, met Arie a long time ago. While there's heartbreak outside the mansion, inside Arie teases his remaining women for the "unexpected." Oh trust me, we're ready.
[All images credited to ABC]