If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then try again. And then have a miracle happen where TV producers decide to let you try again as the lead on The Bachelor to find love on reality TV a fourth time. Guys, Nick Viall is The Bachelor and I'm excited! Dumped twice at the proposal phase and leaving Bachelor in Paradise without a relationship with Jen, now Nick will have 30 women vying for his heart. Hopefully whoever is by his side at the end doesn't dump him or else MAN, that's an awful track record. Nick's family is supportive and he's got his former Bachelor brothers by his side: Sean Lowe (success), Ben Higgins (success?), and Chris Soules (farm neglector). It's time for Nick's fourth time to shine!

With the driveway slicked down and an overeager Chris Harrison ready to do his one night of hard work all season, it's time for the limos to arrive. And let me tell you guys, these entrances are terrible. So many "how are you?" and "I'm so excited you're the Bachelor!" I need crazies, so here's what we're working with. Danielle throws a fan and calls it "crazy" (but I call it littering). Bachelor franchise-eponymous jeweler Neil Lane shows up to meet Nick for what is already too many times in this series, this time serving as Jasmine G's plus one so she can show Nick the kind of rings she wants. Briana listens to Nick's heart with a stethoscope and Susannah gives him a beard massage. Josephine makes Nick "Lady and the Tramp" a hot dog, which means both take a bite on opposite ends and it's as awful as you think. Lacey makes a grand entrance and arrives on a camel wondering if Nick likes a "good hump." The final arrival of the night is Alexis, donned in a big ol' shark costume except she's extremely confident she's a dolphin. Listen, I have confidence this will be a good season but these entrances were weak.

Nick heads inside to give his introductory inspirational speech, then it's time for the girls to fight for their time to make an impression. Most girls assumed wearing a red dress would make them pop but instead it's a red sea in the Bachelor mansion. Instead of apparel, the girls have to rely on their personalities, which I'm sure is a horror for quite a few in the room. Rachel and Nick talk football and about her sweet lawyer skills. Corinne gifts Nick with an entire Scrooge McDuck sized sack of love tokens. There's a moment of chemistry in the air between Vanessa and Nick where a kiss seems imminent, but Corinne pulls a classic interrupter to grab him and kiss him first. He also has a nice time talking to Danielle M, a neonatal nurse that's kinda boring on TV but likely a good love match for Nick. Alexis' "dolphin" costume finally catches Nick's attention when he discovers her drunkenly wandering in the pool in the costume. Liz is very excited that Nick doesn't initially recall they had sex together at Jade and Tanner's wedding, which she calls mystery and most women would call "sad." Nick's a little suspicious that she declined exchanging numbers at the wedding yet is here to date him on TV. I mean, fair point.

After lingering for hours on the living room table, Nick grabs the first impression rose and gives it to Rachel. They kiss and Rachel leaves on final first impression: red lipstick smudges all over Nick's lips. With Rachel safe and the champagne glass clinked for the Rose Ceremony, the other girls begin to panic about their status with Nick. The roses are handed out and Nick and it's like a parting of the red sea as the girls come down one by one to get their rose. Despite questioning her intentions, the final rose of the night goes to Liz. Eliminated are a whole bunch of girls we didn't even know including a model, a girl who gave Nick an Eskimo kiss, and a girl with the last name Hussy. The group toasts to the journey ahead and I can't wait to mock all of it.