Think first, Feel later. 

That was my motto. 

And it’s how I’ve managed to stay this long in the game. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to do too much to turn this side of me on. 

It was almost as if my Emotional Radar was broken. I’ve always been this way. Let’s say I go through a painful or hurtful experience, It would take me a few months before I can even process what happened.

It’s kind of an out of body experinece, almost like in the moment I wasn’t the one who got hurt and was experiencing it from another person’s point of view. 

The first few days, I would think about the event a lot and tell myself that I should be bothered, or I should be crying or feeling hurt but no matter how hard I try, I can’t bring myself to feel anything other than indifference. 

Afterwhich I forget that the event ever occured for a while until it resurfaces again and I’m like, I need to do something about it but still no feelings are activated so I’m just thinking of ways to handle the situation or telling myself to let it go and just move on [ which is what I do in most cases] 

A few months later, then the hurt starts to sink in. I might cry, pull my hair, feel frustarted or feel down for a few days but that’s it. I’m back to functioning or rather thinking and going on with my life. 

It’s made people think I’m cold, unfeeling, unaffectionate or just plain unbothered but they don’t understand that I just can’t feel anything in the moment. I don’t know how or why but I can’t just cry over that lost friendship or relationship until a few months after. 

You can even be screaming in my face telling me how much you need me to show some emotion but I can’t just process anything in that moment. All I feel is indifference no matter how much I tell myself that I should be crying right now. 

Closing Remarks. 

I really want to know. Have you ever felt this way? or is my Emotional radar really broken?