When I was 24 years old, I was staying at my boyfriend’s (and eventual husband’s) parent’s house. One day, his mom called down, “Kristen? Kristen?”

Spoiler alert: my name is not Kristen.

My husband, my father-in-law, and I stood paralyzed, staring at each other. Kristen was my husband’s ex-girlfriend’s name, and we were all dying a little from the awkwardness and unsure of what to do.

My father-in-law finally lept into action, running up the stairs at breakneck speed to stop her from calling me the wrong name again. Later, my mother-in-law told me it was Perimenopause. “There’s just something wrong with my brain!”

At the time, I wasn’t sure. At 24, I still had some growing up to do and couldn’t wrap my head around it. I mean, maybe calling me the wrong name once but repeatedly in the span of minutes? Maybe she didn’t like me, I thought to myself. But we swept it under the rug and kept going.

Flash forward 24+ years later, and I can’t find the words lately. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have words, but I can’t remember the ones I want to use when I want to use them. Thanks, Perimenopause.

My body seems a little out of control. Like parts of me just got bigger overnight. I’m learning to roll with it, but it’s hard. Thanks, Perimenopause.

I don’t always sleep well. Sometimes, I wake up so hot that I think I might spontaneously combust. I imagine it’s what a nuclear meltdown feels like. Thanks, Perimenopause.

I’ve had a few series of heart palpitations where I felt like my soul might burst through my skin, like the Sigourney Weaver scene in Alien. I thought it was anxiety, but nope. Thanks, Perimenopause.

And when I’m up in the middle of the night, sweating or anxious or my head spinning trying to remember my neighbor’s name., I think of my sweet mother-in-law and how I’m glad that even though I was unsure, I didn’t let those few perimenopausal moments define our relationship. She has loved me so well throughout the years.

Every woman I talk to lately around my age says the same thing. We’re having a conversation, and somewhere in the middle they say, “Argh, I just keep losing my words!” Or, they say, “It’s hard because my clothes don’t fit, and I don’t want to buy new ones.” Or, they say, “I’m so tired because I can’t sleep.” Or, “I’m having such a hard time controlling my anxiety.”

Which means here we are, as we have been so many other times, fighting to control our moods, our bodies, and our lives.

And simultaneously while going through all this, we’re trying to launch our baby birds out into the world. The struggle is real.

Raising teens while going through perimenopause is seriously messed up.

Last year, I served on a committee for my twin daughters’ post-prom event. Several parents, mostly moms, convened in a circle and discussed all the things we were going through with our teenagers. There was senioritis, missed curfews, mental health challenges, friendship drama, college admissions issues, empty nest syndrome, drug/alcohol problems, talking back or not talking at all, and so much more.

One mom was sharing a story while fanning herself with a pamphlet. Tears welled in her eyes. “It’s just a lot. I feel so overwhelmed right now with worrying about my parents, my kids, my job–and I’m always freaking hot.”

Same, girl. Same.

Menopause and Raising Teens

As more women have children after the age of 30, it’s becoming increasingly common for women to be going through their menopause transition as they’re parenting teenagers. Perimenopause is challenging enough, but when it is parallel to their children’s adolescent hormonal fluctuations, it can be incredibly challenging. With three daughters, I call my home, “The Little House of Hormones.”

Perimenopause can start in your 30s, but for many of us, it hits hard in our mid-40s. That means managing the tornado of adolescence with eye rolls, exasperated sighs and their push for independence can be tough when we’re feeling hot, bothered, and anxious. While we all can try to be calm and rational, our perimenopausal symptoms can make it tough. I mean, it’s hard for your teen to take you seriously when you can’t remember the dog’s name in the middle of a discussion.

You may also like to read:Motherhood During These Hard Teen Years Can Absolutely Crush You

Why aren’t we talking about perimenopause more?

The hardest part is that we don’t talk about it. Parents often close up during the teenage years because of a litany of reasons, including protecting their kids’ privacy, feeling judged, or fearing they are the only ones struggling. Then you add the struggles that come with perimenopause, and we’re all just trying to get through to the other side.

As one healthcare practitioner said: “It can be discouraging to think that just as women are reaching such a critical stage in their family, they can also be experiencing depression, anxiety, insomnia, chronic fatigue, hot flashes and night sweats, mind fog, cognitive impairment, and much more. Despite the fact that one in four women will experience very serious menopause systems, it is rarely addressed appropriately within a family.”

You may also like to read: My Teen Won’t Come Out of Their Bedroom

How to talk about perimenopause with your family

The first step is to talk openly and honestly about what you are experiencing with your family. It doesn’t need to be every gory detail, but they should understand that you may be struggling. You should convey that menopause is a normal stage of life for women, and everyone goes through it differently. Just like discussing your daughter’s periods or your son’s body odor or facial hair, it should not be an awkward discussion. Address it with facts and with personal details. This will help them respond compassionately to other women.

Talking about it honestly is also a great way to model for your Teens that discussions about health do not need to be uncomfortable, and no one needs to suffer in silence. Share with your teens important facts about menopause, discussions with your doctor, and any health changes you are making to help yourself feel better (bonus points if you can get them to make some healthy changes with you.) Tell them that they should always feel empowered to discuss their own health and wellness issues with you or a medical professional.

Also, keep in mind that discussing your own hormonal fluctuations can help your teenagers understand what they are going through. Neither one of you is “crazy,” no matter how challenging it is at times.

Perimenopausal women and their teens need a lot of grace

I’m so glad I gave my mother-in-law grace all those years back and didn’t hold a grudge. I’m so glad she gives me grace now, as I sometimes forget to do something or may react poorly.

I’m thankful to the women in my life who are talking openly about perimenopause so I don’t feel so crazy and alone during this time. I’m appreciative that when I open up to my family they take me seriously and understand that I’m struggling.

And I wonder, with all we have to go through as women, this may be why we treat each other so poorly so often. As hormonal teenage girls, as young overwhelmed mothers, as over-scheduled middle-aged women, as perimenopausal almost empty nesters, as grandmas. We always go through something and often feel like we have no control.

Phew. It’s a lot. A lot of changes, a lot of hormones, a lot of anxiety for one life.

With this in mind, I hope you give grace to another woman today. Respond to her snarky behavior with an understanding smile because she may not be getting much sleep lately. Let that comment roll off your back because she might not always be snippy, but it’s hard for her to control her moods today. Compliment someone who you know may have gained weight because she feels so self-conscious right now.

Think of how you feel at your worst, and I guarantee you another woman is feeling the exact same way. It hits us all to some degree or another.

Being a woman is an exhausting, beautiful, chaotic, brutal, and amazing thing–but Raising Teens and perimenopause? It’s an entirely different ballgame.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could do it more supportively, together? And then imagine the example that would be for our teenagers.

Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.

Parenting teens and tweens is hard but you don’t have to do it alone. These popular articles can help:

The Mental Load of Raising Teens Has Me Running on Empty

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