It started slowly at first. My young Teen daughter would come home from school, say a quick hello, and then trudge up the stairs to her bedroom where I’d hear a soft click of her door.

Eventually, she would come out to get a snack or refill her water bottle. She’d join us for dinner. Maybe she’d watch a show with us or finish her homework at the kitchen counter.

But she slowly started retreating back to her bedroom more and more, often closing the door like a vault in a bank. As parents, we didn’t have a reason not to trust her. She was a good student, mostly listened to our rules, and was trustworthy; yet, something still seemed off. I was unsure if she was trying to exert control over her life or just didn’t like to be around us anymore–or maybe a little of both.

The truth was, I missed her. I missed the way she used to want to spend time with me. The way she would run through the door to tell me about her day. The way her laugh filled the room (and my heart.)

So, I started to hate the sound of that click to her bedroom door, and I started wondering if there was something else to this.

You may also like to read: A Teen’s Messy Bedroom Doesn’t Mean You Are Failing as a Parent

Why do teens start spending so much time in their bedroom?

When your teen won’t come out of their bedroom, it can be tough for a parent to understand, but it’s important to remember it’s natural.

Teens will often start spending more time in their bedroom for several reasons:

1. Independence: Starting around age 11, many adolescents want more autonomy over their lives. Deciding where to spend their time is one way of exerting control. Bedrooms also offer teens a sense of independence and control over their environment. They can decorate it to reflect their personalities and interests and sit in a space where no one is telling them what to do.
2. Privacy: As teens mature, they often desire more privacy. This does not mean that they are doing something wrong in their bedrooms, but they may need space to think, decompress, study, or shut out the noise from the rest of the world.
3. Phones: Let’s be honest, teens love to sit on their beds and scroll their phones, and a recent study says they even know that they are spending too much time on their devices.. This is where good tech rules and boundaries need to be set so this does not spiral out of control.
4. Feel safe: The day in the life of a typical teenager can be stressful and challenging. Peer pressure, school challenges, academic stress, identity development, relationships, extracurricular activities, etc., can sometimes feel overwhelming and stressful. Sometimes, closing the door of their bedroom can feel like closing the door to the outside world and offer a few minutes to escape from it all.

Should I worry if my teen spends all their time in their room?

The short answer: it depends.

While spending time in their bedrooms can be normal and healthy for teens, it’s also important for parents to maintain open communication, set boundaries, and ensure that their teen is striking a balance between alone time and social interaction, physical activity, and other responsibilities.

If, however, your normally pleasant teen starts spending all their time in their room, you may want to observe if there are other indicators of a problem, such as declining academic performance, a change in sleep patterns, lack of interest in activities, social withdrawal, or change in eating habits. These could be symptoms of a larger problem that you need to address or consider getting professional help.

In my case, my teen was having some friendship drama, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. I had to find the delicate balance of getting her to open up without causing her to avoid me more. (Spoiler alert: it didn’t always work, but we eventually figured it out together. Patience is key here.)

How do I talk to my teen about how much time they spend in their room?

It’s important to have open and honest conversations with your teen about issues like these. Try to be non-judgmental and try to listen to their view. Be prepared that they may not be able to offer a reason to you when you first approach them. This could be because they haven’t yet understood it themselves, or they do not feel comfortable stating that YOU may be the reason why they spend so much time in their room (they may not like getting peppered with questions when they walk through their door, reminded about homework/chores, or nagged about putting down their phones.)

One simple way to do this is by saying, “We noticed you are spending more time in your room with the door closed. We just wanted to do a check-in to make sure all is okay in your world?”

If they say fine, leave it for the time being, but let them know that you will be doing periodic check ins because that’s part of your job as a responsible parent (then ignore the eye roll.)

Setting boundaries when it comes to alone time in their bedroom

While it is natural for your teen to want to spend more time away from their parents, that does not mean you cannot set some boundaries depending upon their age, house rules, and behaviors. A few examples may be:

• Technology: you may decide that phones stay out of their bedrooms at night, doors remain open when they are using technology, or perhaps no devices in their bedroom at all. Whatever rules you decide, make sure your reasoning is clear and both parties understand the consequences. (You may also like to read: Tired of Yelling at Your Teen to Get Off Their Phone? Try This Trick Instead)
• Family meals/family time: while you should give your adolescents some time to themselves, that does not mean they should neglect family meals or family time. It is okay to tell your teen that you understand they want some privacy, but being a part of a family means meal time and maintaining a connection is non-negotiable.
• Chores: It’s important to underscore that just because your teen wants privacy doesn’t mean they get to avoid other responsibilities. You may want to give your teen some chores that are outside of their bedroom, such as walking/caring for the family pet, emptying the dishwasher, or taking out the garbage. While your teen may want some privacy, it’s important they still contribute to the family.
• Exercise/self-care: It’s important to have a discussion with your adolescent about how to care for themselves. Self-care is an important life skill and can make a difference as to whether they launch successfully out into the world. You can say something like, “I appreciate that you want to spend more time in your room, but I also need to know that you are taking care of yourself. Can we agree that you will come out of your room a few times a week for a walk outside, to exercise, or to do something positive for yourself?” (You may also like to read: 20 Effective (And Fun!) Ways Your Teen Can Practice Self-Care)

How to encourage your teen to come out of their room more

When your teen won’t come out of their bedroom isn’t always cause to worry; it doesn’t mean we can’t encourage them to spend more time outside of it. Here’s are a few ways to encourage them to venture outside their four walls:

1. Ask: everyone likes to be asked to do something (even if they always decline to participate.) Whenever possible, ask your teen to hang out, help you with dinner, watch a movie, etc. Give them the choice to pick what they want to eat, watch or do. They may surprise you with a yes!
2. Make it comfortable: Yes, having a favorite chair and fuzzy blanket may help them feel like hanging out in the family room, but also make it a safe and warm environment for them to be themselves.
3. Plan fun family activities: Organize a window-shopping trip to some upscale stores or make a plan to hit every coffee shop in your area. Visit their favorite entertainment venue or take them on a hike. Whatever it takes to get them connected and included in the process.
4. Stay available: It might be tempting to retreat to your room when your teen starts retreating to yours, but try to stay available to your teen by remaining in the common areas. When they do emerge, you want to be able to check in or see if they may want to have a chat.
5. Let their friends come over: Encourage friendships by allowing their friends to hang out at your house or offering rides so they can participate in group activities.
6. Respect their privacy: Try not to barrage them with questions all the time or nag them about their grades, friendships, activities, etc. They will start to avoid you if they always feel like they are on the witness stand.
7. Get help when necessary: If you notice something seems off with your child, and they will not open up to you, it’s okay to seek professional help. There is a difference between a teen who is naturally breaking free from their parents by spending more time alone and a teen who won’t come out of their bedroom because something is wrong. Trust your gut.

Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.

Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts may help:

How to Help Your Teen Reframe Emotions: Shifting Anxiety into Excitement

Why Don’t Teenagers Seem to Make Plans Anymore?

20 Ways to Show Your Teen Love When They Don’t Want a Hug

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