Inside this post: Here are six important points to keep in mind if you are struggling to navigate your tween son’s mood swings.

We’ve all heard the stereotype of the moody adolescent, but (lord have mercy!) when your own kid moves into the tween and teen years, “mood swings” become less of a joke and more of a category of mental despair.

It doesn’t matter if you are raising boys or girls, the tween and teen years can be rough when it comes to the constant shifts of moods and emotions.

The good news is that it’s a normal and expected part of development. Our kids’ brains are growing and changing as their bodies grow and change. Just like they are growing out of their shoes every three months, they are growing out of and into new likes, dislikes, friendships, beliefs, emotions, and mental awareness as young people.

But I don’t have to tell you the bad news, do I? You’re probably living with it right now, hunkering down under the Category-5 hurricane of moodiness.

Adolescent Mood Swings Can Be Exhausting

Tween boy mood swings can be exhausting, and honestly, even scary at times. I’m right there with you as my 11-year-old marches firmly into tweendom to join his 16-year-old twin brothers in all things adolescent development.

But here are a few things I’ve learned over the last few years of parenting in our house to help weather the storms that come with Emotional upheaval and development.

Related: Seven Critical Things to Know When Your Son Goes Through Puberty

Six Things I Try to Keep in Mind About Tween Boy Mood Swings

1. You’ve done this before.

“Wait, what?” You say. “No way. This is BRAND NEW territory.”

But here’s the truth: Your child has already gone through a stage of intense brain development where they are figuring out who they are, establishing autonomy, and experiencing intense emotional swings: Toddlerhood.

Granted, they were smaller then, and you could probably pick them up and carry them out of Walmart when they were losing their minds, but don’t forget that you have years of parenting experience under your belt that you didn’t have back then.

While we don’t want to treat our burgeoning young adults like babies or preschoolers, there are many similarities between the emotional development of tweens and teens and toddlers.

Just like we learned that toddler tantrums pass, the emotional outbursts (while loud and maybe even scary) of tween and tween mood swings will fade, and order will be restored.

Pull out your Meltdown Diffuser kit of tips, tricks and snacks that served you well from ages 2-4, and use them again to bring calm, patience, humor, and goldfish crackers to your kiddo who is feeling all the feels right now.

Mood swings can be overwhelming for both you and your kid, but you’ve got this. You’ve done this before.

2. Try not to take it personally

When you say good morning, ask what they want for breakfast, or suggest they wear a jacket, and they blow up in your face, you aren’t doing anything wrong as a mom.

For real. Nothing wrong.

Emotionally, tweens and teens can be as sensitive as little land mines, but just because you bump them the wrong way and they blow up doesn’t mean you suck as a parent now.

Your child’s emotions belong to him, and the fact that he feels upset about chores or homework or roast beef for dinner, or having to walk the dog, or the fact that his sibling is breathing near his arm, is not your fault.

He can be upset and angry and ragey at life and it’s okay for him to feel all those things.

Sometimes this is so hard to accept because when our kids aren’t okay, we don’t feel okay, and then we bend over backward trying to “fix” their upset or moods or emotions–and we just can’t.

His emotions belong to him. Full stop.

Keep being consistent with chores and jacket suggestions and healthy food choices and head kisses because you aren’t doing anything wrong as a mom just because your kid is mad.

Related: Why Your Teen Son Is Acting Distant and How to Improve the Situation

3.  You have power over your own energy—you don’t have to match theirs

Okay, this is a hard one. It is so hard not to match your tween’s or teen’s energy when their moodiness strikes.

They yell and get loud? You yell and get loud.

They start slamming drawers and doors? You start slamming drawers and doors.

Bad moods can be more contagious than pink eye, and we must actively resist slipping into our tween and teen’s moodiness.

When they come in hot and high, we need to take a deep breath and stop stoking the fire.

And sometimes, we don’t do it right the first time. We have to catch ourselves responding in kind: “Oops. You know what? We’re both getting worked up right now. Let’s calm down and figure this out.”

Showing our big kids an example of emotional regulation is one of the hardest parts of parenting tweens and teens. But as their primary adults, we have the privilege of modeling this behavior to them when the mood swings take over.

Mastering our own emotional energy, especially when an emotional hurricane is sweeping through, takes hard work. Sometimes we need a reset ourselves and to apologize to our kids for our own outbursts.

But working on our personal growth in emotional awareness, energy management, and calm in the face of upheaval is showing our kids how to overcome the mood swings that are so prevalent in adolescence.

Related: Dear Parents: You Are Not a Failure-It’s Just Hard Raising Teenagers

4. Compassion and empathy go a long way

Recently, my 11-year-old lost all his progress in an iPad game, and all hell broke loose. In fact, I couldn’t even understand what was going on for a few minutes because all I heard was screaming, rage, and weeping.

“What happened?!” I asked, wondering who died.

When I finally understood the issue, the problem (in my mind) shrank to the size of a pea, and as he sat there crying on the couch, I wanted to say, “You’re crying about a game? This is not a big deal! Get over it!”

But the truth is, it was a big deal to him. When he told me that he had been working for days to beat this level and now he would have to start over, my heart felt tender towards him.

I mean, that sucks. We’ve all worked hard at something, tried our best, and then had it jerked away at the last minute.

So, instead of minimizing or trying to talk him out of his tears and rage or saying, “Why don’t you just try again?” I sat with him while he cried.

“That’s hard,” I said.
“I can see why you’re upset.”
“Ugh. I HATE IT when that happens.”
“That sucks. I’m sorry.”

Pretty soon, the emotional hurricane faded away, and he was ready to try again on his game.

Sometimes, the reasons for their big emotional outbursts feel little to us, but we have to remember that they aren’t little to our tweens or teens. Showing empathy and understanding not only helps our tweens and teens regulate when they are upset, but it also helps to preserve the relationship and reduce the disconnect and anger that often occurs when we minimize, mock, dismiss, or try to reason them out of their emotions.

5. Create healthy boundaries

We’ve all heard the idea that kids—littles and bigs alike—save up their emotions for home and parents because we are a “safe space” for them to be themselves and let it all out.

This is true.

And.

We don’t have to let ourselves become a punching bag for our tweens’ and teens’ emotional outbursts.

Mood swings can be mean, unpredictable and even scary. Sometimes, it feels like our tweens’ or teens’ emotions and moods dictate the emotional atmosphere of our homes, and we’re constantly walking on eggshells, wondering when the next emotional bomb is going to explode.

I get it. I live in this space, too, but I’m trying to create better boundaries for our family. Here are a few examples that have served us well:

Yes, you can be angry.

No, it’s not okay to scream at people, hit, or call names when you’re angry.

Yes, it’s okay to go to your room and hit a pillow.

No, it’s not okay to slam doors. It’s loud and startles everyone. Plus, you might break your door.

For our older teens, we’ve set the boundary that it’s okay to swear when you’re upset, but you can’t swear at people.

We’ve also allowed our older teens the choice of opting out of family activities if their moods are threatening to derail the emotional atmosphere of the whole family. If they’re grumpy about coming, let them stay home sometimes. It’s okay (and everyone may actually have a better time).

Sometimes, though, they have to come, and everyone gets to practice regulation. Hurray! (You may also like to read: Some Teenagers Just Need a Little Push to Join the Holiday Magic (parentingteensandtweens.com)

In our family, we’ve tried to focus on accepting emotions as neutral and necessary AND preserving relationships and other people’s emotions and mental health.

Boundaries work, but they also take a lot of work. You must enforce them and apply consequences when kids overstep them (because they will).

But teaching our tweens and tweens that big emotions often have big reactions or consequences if you don’t respect other people’s boundaries is a life lesson that I want them to learn now, when they live at home, before they enter the real world of adulthood.

6. Mood swings are normal, but keep a finger on the pulse of your teen’s mental health

Moodiness and emotional outbursts are a normal part of development for tweens and teens. However, sometimes, kids may need extra support.

Sometimes, it isn’t just mood swings: it’s depression

Sometimes it’s not just emotional outbursts: it’s anxiety

Sometimes it’s not irritability or an inability to concentrate: it’s ADHD.

You are the best student of your child and their most powerful advocate. Observe, reflect, research, and ask for advice from your pediatrician, school counselor, and wise friends if your intuition tells you something more may be going on with your tween or teen.

With the right support, even just a name for what you are experiencing, you and your child will feel less alone and be able to get the help you need to thrive in this journey of adolescence.

Mood swings are an inevitable part of raising kids into adulthood. But remember, you’ve done this before. You are the expert on your kid, and you have more tools in your toolbox than you realize.

You have power over your own emotions and can set boundaries for your emotional health and the atmosphere in your household. Have empathy for your tween or teen as you go through this stage, and even more importantly, practice empathy for yourself:

You’re doing a great job.

Looking for additional resources on teens and their emotions?

We love this book by Lisa Damour, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, available on Amazon.

Raising tweens and teens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These post may help:

8 Effective Ways to Get Your Teen Son to Open Up to You

6 Genius Ways to Build a Lasting Relationship with Your Middle School Son

For the Worried Mother of a Sensitive Son, He Is a Wonderful Gift

9 things to do in the teen years for a solid relationship with your grown son

The post I Wasn’t Prepared for My Tween Son’s Mood Swings appeared first on parentingteensandtweens.com.