I remember the one time my Teen Daughter said she hated me.

She was 14, a freshman in high school, and wanted to attend a party after a football game. She begged me all week trying to justify her reasons for wanting to go, including the fact that all her friends would be there.

And each time, I returned her request with a no. I did not feel comfortable with the situation, and I didn’t know the older girl who would be driving to the post-game event.

My mom spidey-sense felt it was just a bad idea. So, I told her that there would be other parties in the future, but at this point, my answer was no.

When she made her last ask before heading out to the football game, and I told her for the last time that the answer was still no, she stormed out of the house and said, “You are ruining my life. I hate you!”

To say I was a little stunned is an understatement. It happened so fast that I couldn’t move for a second from my place at the kitchen counter. In fact, I wasn’t even sure what my next move should be.

Should I go after her and ground her?

Should I ignore it?

Should I succumb to the exhaustion of her behavior and break down and cry?

The relationship with my three teen daughters has had some severe ups and downs. Sometimes we get along so well that I feel we are best friends. We laugh and dance in the kitchen. We try to eat dinner together when possible. We support and help each other.

And sometimes, especially in those pre-teen and early teenage years, they hit me with barbs that I was unsure I could withstand. They have lashed out from nowhere, and their attitudes can make a warm room feel ice cold. They have made choices that make me cringe and said words that make me cry.

And I’m not proud to say that I didn’t always handle it well either.

While I don’t ever believe in being your child’s doormat, it is helpful to look beyond the behavior and find out the why for their actions.

The complexity of the mother-teen daughter relationship

Mothers and their teenage daughters have had complicated relationships since the dawn of time.

It often starts with a subtle shift as the daughter starts pulling away, wanting to spend more time with her peers, in her room, or on her phone. As mothers try to hold on, their daughters are often desperate to pull away and exert their independence and individuality at every opportunity. This often creates friction, like a too-tight shoe rubbing against a naked heel. The result is a blister that continually erupts into a messy goo and never heals.

It doesn’t help that often daughters and mothers are facing an onslaught of life and hormonal changes during these formidable years. Moms will talk about their adolescent’s mood swings, irritability, irrational behavior, and mean-spirited barbs. Daughters will highlight their mom’s controlling nature, unwillingness to listen, lack of understanding, and yelling.

What often is happening, however, is misunderstandings and a failure to communicate. Oftentimes it feels like your teen daughter is pulling away from you in every way, and it most likely pains you, the mother, much more than it does them. This causes a palpable tension between the two of you, a tug-of-war that has no end in sight.

Why teen girls are mean to their mothers

If you are struggling with your teen daughter’s behavior, first know you are not alone. Nearly every parent experiences this to some degree, some more so than others.

Sometimes we have an image in our head of what we want our relationship with our teen daughter to look like. We may have imagined more of a friendship with our daughter or that they might want to spend more time with us during the teen years. You might have hoped they confided in you more or that there would be more movie nights. You may have thought that the relationship with your daughter would be different than the challenging one you had with your own mother.

It’s important to underscore that if your daughter’s moods or behaviors change significantly and suddenly, it could be an indicator of something else, such as trauma or a mental health issue such as depression or anxiety. You should consult a health care practitioner or a licensed therapist immediately.

Here are some common reasons why your teen daughter may be lashing out at you.

Quest for independence

Adolescence is a time when Teens are developing their sense of self and are often trying different personalities and identities on to see what fits. This often is seen as an act of rebellion or rejection against their parents and causes conflict in mother-daughter relationships.

It is tough not to take this typical teen behavior personally.

Instead of reacting to every personality change in your daughter, recognize that what may seem as an act of defiance may just be her expressing herself. Give her opportunities to make decisions about her appearance, clothing, activities, etc. so she feels like she has some autonomy and set clear and consistent boundaries to keep her safe.

Related: Dear Mom: Please Stick With Me as I Find Myself

Puberty and the developing teen brain

One day, I asked my teen daughter if she could take the dog for a walk, and she stomped off to the closet to grab the leash and burst into tears.

I was shocked, as we had just been laughing at a YouTube video just moments before. When I asked her what was wrong, she sobbed, “I don’t know! I just don’t want to walk the dog right now!” It broke my heart, but I also kind of understood.

Many teens, but girls especially, go through tremendous hormonal changes during puberty which can lead to mood swings, mean behavior, and heightened emotional responses. Basically, the inside of their brains are like tennis balls being shot out of an automatic cannon at different speeds. They explode forth all these powerful feelings making it impossible for anyone to handle them, which results in crying, moodiness and attitude fluctuations.This can cause them to be more prone to conflicts, especially with their mothers who are quick to forgive and their safe space to let down their guard.

Add to this the challenges of pre-menstrual symptoms, and your daughter may be a volcano waiting to erupt.

It’s important to make sure you daughter understands what is going on with her brain and body during this time, and that nearly all women feel the same way as she does at one point or another. Don’t minimize her feeligns, but instead, teach her coping mechanisms for when she may feel out of control.

Related: Here Is How To Help If Your Tween Daughter Is Always In Tears

Peer pressure and the desire to fit in

I distinctly remember growing up that I was embrassed of my mother. In fact, I think I was embarassed of everything relating to my home life. I wanted the trendy clothing that stretched my family’s budget, I wished my mom was cooler and drove a better car, I would ask her to pick me up down the street so my friends wouldn’t see her.

Of course, I now know that made me a jerk, but I put a premium on my social status during my early teen years, and nothing was more important to me than my friends thinking I was “cool.” I didn’t even realize how I was acting mean towards my mother.

Wanting to fit in is a common trait for many adolescents and it can cause your daughter to distance themselves from their parents in a variety of ways. It may mean putting them down, acting dismissive, or even lashing out.

It’s important to try and not take these actions personally, although to say it doesn’t hurt would be ridiculous. Find comfort in knowing that oftentimes teens hit a time when they recognize how incredible their parents are, although it takes longer for some kids than others. The goal is to get through these challenging waters as safely and swiftly as possible without doing too much long-term damage.

Stress of the modern teen girl

You probably have heard of the epidemic of mental health challenges today’s teenagers are facing. A recent study by the CDC reveals higher levels of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation in female teenagers than ever before, and it’s wreaking havok for our daughters.

Young girls are constantly struggling with perfectionism, and often are internalizing the strain and stress of peer pressure, social status, academic standards, and higher achievements in their competitive activities, all while feeling an intense threat of failing in any of these areas every day.

Sexual assaults and other traumatic events are also on the rise, leading to the feeling of hopelessness many young girls face.

This stress and pressure often causes young girls to take it out on family members, and it is a huge reason why teen girls are mean to their mothers.

As parents, we must be vigilant in staying aware of these pressures and take bold steps to help them learn how to cope. Mothers can also offer a different self-narrative: one that is based on self-care, building self-esteem, and understanding their self-worth.

Like anyone, sometimes we just need a listening ear. While your daughter’s complaining may seem annoying or the topic may seem ridiculous to you, don’t minimize it. Her perspective may be small, but her feelings are big. Also keep in mind that she may be using this as an opportunity to process something she doesn’t quite understand yet. Try not to tell her how she feels (“Why are you so angry about that?”) and instead just say things like, “I understand why you are upset” or “That sounds tough. Let me know if I can help in any way.”

Communication

It can be so frustrating when you ask your daughter a question and the response is always the same. In my house, it’s “I know,” or “fine” or “whatever.”

On the flip side, teens often feel like their parents only remind, nag, and point out the negatives (we may think of these as “teachable momets”).

The result is frustration, arguments, and less communication when you in fact need more.

While teen girls often develop their communication skills before their male counterparts (because of the way brains develop,) adolescents often struggle with effective communication. They can have trouble expressing their emotions, wants or needs. They also use communication as a mechanism for control, so they might not share simply because they know how desperately you want them to do so.

The number one way to talk with your teen is to stop talking. We get it. It’s hard as there’s so much you want to teach them and so many things you feel like you need to correct. But, there is so much going on in our kids’ lives these days and so many changes. Often what they need most from us is just someone who is willing to let them unload all the crazy going on in their head. They don’t want our commentary, just our ears.

Also, don’t diminish how they choose to communicate with you. One of my daughters used to write letters to me when she was upset or had a problem. Another would often text me to get the conversation going. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter the mechanism, as long as you are communicating.

Related: How To Stop Nagging and Reconnect With Your Teen

Rules and boundaries

During childhood, and especially during the teen years, parents often set boundaries to provide structure, guidance, protection, and a sense of security for their kids. These “limits” often help teens to stay safe and develop their self-worth. But let’s be honest, no teenager has ever said, “Thanks, Mom, for setting all those rules for me. I love being told what I can’t do!”

Teenagers think they know everything and lack perspective for the world around them. Parents often know too much and may fear everything. The tug-of-war over house rules can lead to a lot of disagreements, name-calling, and even an occassional “I hate you!”

While many teens often believe boundaries are just rules that stop them from having fun, establishing and enforcing boundaries helps teenagers develop self-discipline, make responsible choices, and understand the consequences of their actions.

What I love about boundaries is they help keep you accountable with yourself and with your kids. If you communicate them clearly, it takes so much of the drama out of your relationships. For example, you don’t need to lecture if your teen daughter knew her curfew and broke it. If you already laid out the rule and consequence, there’s no need to have a lengthy conversation about the why and an argument about her actions. You simply enforce the consequence and say, “I know you’ll do better next time.”

Sometimes even writing the rules down or signing a contract can help with this. But also, remain flexible. It’s okay to extend a curfew for a special occassion or know that rules can change as your teen daughter matures.

Related: Six Boundaries for Teens They’ll Thank You For Later

Personal problems

I went through a particularly trying time with one of my daughters when she was in middle school. What I saw was a surly, apathetic young girl who seemed disinterested in following our house rules. We argued often about everything from her messy bedroom and unfinished chores to her snarky attitude and fibbing about some small issues.

While I thought the conflict was between her and I, the truth was she was struggling with some of her personal relationships, including not fitting in with a new sports team, some toxic friendships at school, and an awkward encounter with a boy she liked.

My daughter was not ready to discuss these issues with her family yet, and I certainly did not provide a welcoming environment for her to share. That was a milestone moment for me, however, to remember that my daughter had a life outside of our small home, and sometimes it was unkind to her.

Teens, like anyone, face external challenges, experience stress, and have bad days. These can affect their behavior, moods, and reactions, especially with their mothers.

Grace is an important part of parenting teenage girls. As they move into adulthood, it’s important to model apologies for misunderstandings and forgiveness for mistakes. It’s important to be their calm and teach them self-care. It’s important we are a source of encouragement in a world that tells them they aren’t enough or too much.

While we should never be someone’s doormat, including our teens, we can always think the best of our kids and give them a space to work their problems out.

Related: Why Having Regrets Is Common When Raising Teens And How You Can Let Them Go

Social media

It’s impossible in today’s world to discuss the challenges in raising a teen girl without mentioning social media.

The facts are clear. The Anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem we see in our teenagers, and particulrly in adolescent girls, is linked to the overuse of social media. And while the majority of parents believe they know what their child is doing on social media, according to a Pew Research poll, a survey of teens found that 70 percent of them are hiding their online behavior from their parents.

It’s gotten harder for our tweens and teens to differentiate reality from the highlight reel of their peers’ social profiles. Spending hours perfecting their social identities, the pressures of social media can be overwhelming for teens and is leading to serious issues like eating disorders, self-harm, and perfectionism. This can be a reason teen girls are mean to their mothers.

Also, many teens have a serious cell phone addiction to social media, which is impacting their moods, sleep, and relationships. (You may want to read: The Most Important Reason Teens Should Not Have Their Phones At Night).

According to Dr. Jennifer Salerno, author of Teen Speak, and the Teen Speak series, “Talking about something teens feel they know more about than you can be difficult, so make sure to embrace this reality. Instead of starting a conversation by telling them what to do and why you’re trying to limit screen time, try an approach like this:

“I didn’t grow up with social media. I don’t understand the pressure of
staying connected with friends on Instagram.”

This will help start a conversation with them, instead of it feeling like a lecture at them. It encourages them to share their experiences with you.”

Related: How To Protect Your Teen’s Self Esteem From Social Media Threats

A better relationship with your daughter means working on yourself

It’s important to remember that your daughter is the one growing up, but you are the grown-up.

That means we can’t expect our daughters to change without working on ourselves a bit too. This may means recognizing your emotional triggers, dealing with your past relationships and issues, and developing your coping mechanisms for stress, anxiety, and fear of the unknown.

We also need to separate out their choices from our own self-worth. At this point in parenting, we cannot take credit for their every accomplishment just as we cannot take responsibility for every poor choice.

At the end of the day, we have to keep the lines of communicatio open with our daughters at every juncture, even when–especially when–we’re faced with challenging behaviors, moods, and reactions.

We need to remain compassionate, practice gratitude, and model what we want to see.

And when you feel at the end of your rope, seek out professional help, such as family therapy or individual counseling.

It’s essential for parents, including mothers, to maintain open lines of communication with their teenage daughters, even when faced with challenging behavior. This involves active listening, empathy, and attempting to understand the underlying causes of their behavior. Seeking professional help, such as family counseling or therapy, can also be beneficial in resolving conflicts and improving the parent-child relationship during these turbulent years.

And remember that the struggles between teenage daughters and their mothers is a tale as old as time. Feel confident that if you put in the work today, your relationship will be even stronger tomorrow.

It’s the job of a teenage girl to break free. It’s the job of a mother to wait for her to come back to you with open arms.

Are you in the thick of raising your tweens and teens? You may like this book by Whitney Fleming, the co-owner of Parenting Teens & Tweens: Loving Hard When They’re Hard to Love: Essays about Raising Teens in Today’s Complex, Chaotic World.

Parenting teens and tweens is hard, but you don’t have to do it alone. These posts may help:

Our Teen Girls Are Struggling: Here’s Why and What We Can Do About It

10 Things Girls Need from Their Moms During These Tough Teenage Years

This Is How I Help My Teens Avoid The Comparison Trap

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