Looking for the usual boring, generic life hacks for men?

Apologies but you’ll have to look elsewhere.

What about How to be a Macho Alpha-Male Jerk? Or a Sensitive New-Age Nice Guy?

Can’t help you there either.

But if you’re anything like me and you’re tired of all the stereotypes and limiting definitions of ‘what it means to be a man’… If you’re looking for a conversation about men and Masculinity with depth and substance…

You’re in the right place.

Because over the 20+ years I’ve been involved in Men’s Work, and the 7 years I’ve been coaching and mentoring men, one thing is clear:

We’re much more sophisticated, intelligent, and self-aware than we’re often made out to be.

So I’ve gathered 23 professionals working in the men’s personal development space to share their most awesome and unconventional life hacks for men.

The intention is not to dictate how to be a man. Or to impose a new set of dogmatic standards to live up to.

But rather to celebrate and champion your innate awesomeness as a man:

To re-affirm that you’re enough, you’re not broken, and that you don’t need ‘fixing’. (Which let’s be honest, is a conversation that’s rarely had when it comes to men and masculinity.)

So take these 23 life Hacks for men as an invitation to get curious. To challenge your assumptions. To push your edges. To implement what works, and ignore what doesn’t.

Because in the game of life, you get to choose the rules.

Enough with the preamble. Let’s dive right in…

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #1

Come Into Your Own Authority

A man begins to mature when he takes responsibility for the conditioning he’s received.

If we don’t re-program our own mind, we abandon that responsibility to our childhood and never grow up.

Coming into one’s own authority then is an awakening to power.

If a man relies solely on the opinions of those who share his worldview, he will NEVER come into his own power.

The collective mind is easy. It gives us a sense of security – a sense that is false.

But to come into one’s own authority gives vitality and energy.

And once a man comes into his own authority, he begins to drive the culture rather than being driven by it. No-one can fuck with him.

So move into your own authority and take the consequences. Everything else is smoke.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #2

You Don’t Need To Do It Alone

A lot of men think that a ‘real man’ should have it all figured out on his own.

That if he wants to live his purpose, have incredible relationships, find success in business, or do anything that matters to him, he needs to do it alone.

It’s seen as weak to seek out guidance and ask questions. Because a ‘real man’ would never admit that he doesn’t have all the answers already.

It’s one of the biggest loads of crap you’ll ever hear.

Because a ‘real man’ wants to live the life HE wants to live. Not the one that other people tell him he should.

And he knows that to do that, he needs to start by accepting the reality that no man can do it alone.

Because we all need support. And we all need guidance.

Real men allow themselves to be vulnerable and ask for help. Not because they’re weak, but because they’re strong. Because they have courage.

Because they realize that if they’re going to live the life they’re meant to live, asking for support isn’t an option, it’s a necessity.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #3

Define Success On Your Own Terms

Sex, money, freedom, power.

These have become the basic elements for men to measure success. But do these things really fulfil you?

Too often what determines our behaviour is validation from external sources.

We’re told that success comes down to these things:

• Athletic ability and/or physicality; how good you are at sports/athletic endeavours and what shape your body is in.
• Sexual prowess; ability to get it, and the physical qualities of the partner.
• Financial success; more money means more security, means more power, and/or ‘freedom’.

But are these things truly meeting your emotional needs, or how you want to FEEL in your life?

Instead, ask yourself what it would mean for you to be your own man and how that would look:

What is success to me?

What do I need to feel and experience to be fulfilled?

Dig into the why? behind the surface reasons and challenge yourself. You’ll then have something you can personally own and take responsibility for. Something that is meaningful to you.

Ask what sex provides, what money provides, what freedom is about, what personal power would look like.

Think about your personal values and tap into the ones that bring you feelings of personal pride and self respect.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #4

Get Your Ass To A Men’s Circle

I get it.

Sitting around for a couple hours with a bunch of dudes, talking about vulnerable shit, doesn’t really sound that awesome.

Trust me, over the last decade that I’ve been doing Men’s Work, I have asked myself plenty of times, “What the fuck am I doing here?”

That resistance is a natural part of the process of bringing your authentic, nervous, depressed, heartbroken self to the table.

There is some part of me that would ALWAYS rather be doing something else. (Usually in the presence of the intoxicating energy of women.)

But I show up, again and again. Because my men do two things for me that I used to rely solely on my girlfriends to get:

1) They have my back.

Like, seriously.

I know that there are seven men that I can call any time. They know me. They give a fuck about me. I trust them. I can confide in them.

2) They call me on my bullshit.

They help me extract my head from my ass when I have gotten so used to the view I forgot it was up there.

They help me see myself and hold me accountable to my commitments.

If your romantic partner is the only person you are having vulnerable conversations with, and the only person calling you on your bullshit… you’re screwed.

This work has given me so many opportunities to gain new perspective on my life and challenges. To find new possibilities where I was bottlenecked or stuck.

This work has taught me to trust men in a way I never had before. Not to compete. To trust.

Through the process of making commitments to myself and my men, and being accountable to the group for keeping those commitments, I have become a more trustworthy man.

Not because I always succeed, but because when I fail I know I can count on my circle of men to kick my ass and love me anyway.

Get your ass to a Men’s Circle and see what you discover.

The lady and the beer will still be there when you are done. And, you just may be more able to appreciate them.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #5

Learn This Dangerous Skill

No, it’s not some crazy wilderness survival skill or badass ninja martial art.

It IS a skill that will save your life though.

It’ll save you from a life of mediocracy and settling-for-average.

Because in a world that rarely encourages you to dare and dream big, or to be bold and courageous…

The most dangerous skill you’ll ever learn is self love.

Self love is not some fluffy woo-woo nonsense.

It is a defiant act of rebellion.

Because most of us were never taught how to truly be ourselves. What we learned instead was the expectations of culture, media, family, and friends:

The narrow and restrictive list of ‘shoulds’ which dictate our lives.

We learned to abandon our wildest dreams in favour of ‘fitting in’ and ‘getting along’.

But true self acceptance, self confidence, and self love gives you the ultimate superpower of freedom:

The freedom to make your own choices. And the freedom to live your life and define yourself on your own terms.

Self love is a skill you’ll never master. It’s not a destination you’ll ever fully arrive at.

It’s a practice – a forever practice.

You’ll be continually presented with opportunities to sharpen and hone this skill:

Embrace those opportunities. They’ll expose all of the ways in which you abandon yourself, judge yourself, and make yourself ‘not good enough’.

You will continually face all of the dark, shadowy places of your psyche where your demons live:

Make friends with those demons. They often go by the names of Guilt, Shame, Fear, Unworthiness, and Abandonment.

Welcome them. Get to know them. Because when you find the courage to love every single aspect of yourself, you set yourself free.

And freedom is a rare commodity in this world.

So be dangerous and love yourself like your life depends on it.

Because it totally does.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #6

Feel The Fuck Out Of Your Triggers

Ever found yourself feeling ‘triggered’ by something in your life?

These emotional reactions are old beliefs that are being activated by external stimuli, such as a partner’s behaviour, or a perceived need not being meet.

These beliefs are often part of the identity we formed as a child to help us survive.

But as an adult those old beliefs no longer serve us. They cause us to withdraw, or to act out and retaliate.

A great way to lessen the sting and power of your triggers is to stop and ‘feel the fuck’ out of what is happening in your body. Without allowing the sensation to empower any negative story in your mind.

You can break free by simply feeling the reaction in your body as best you can until it subsides.

This allows your nervous system to re-regulate itself, and through the science of neural plasticity allows the cellular memory to lessen. Over time this leads to your triggers having less potency and power.

It’s also a great way to “know thyself”. The fundamental adage of personal growth and development.

So next time you’re triggered try a ‘stop and drop’:

• Stop what you’re doing.
• Drop into the feeling. Don’t distract or numb yourself with screens, food, alcohol, sex, or porn.
• Let the sensations percolate and do their thing while you simply feel it all.

Simple but not easy. It’s a skill to be practiced and will improve over time.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #7

Take Off The Masks

I once heard a therapist give a presentation called ‘The Five Masks of Masculinity’.

It was one of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the past 20 years that I’ve been involved with men’s work.

It challenged me to take a deep look within myself. To uncover some of the hidden causes of the unhappiness in my life.

It was a wake up call, and was instrumental in my healing and growth process.

Take a moment to see if any of these masks resonate with you.

As you read them, know that you may identify with all of them. But chances are one of them will stand out as the primary mask you may be wearing:

• The ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ mask (The people-pleaser)
• The ‘Mr. Tough as Nails’ mask (The angry, disconnected ‘type A’ personality)
• The ‘Mr. Money Bags’ mask (The man who hides behind his material possessions)
• The ‘Mr. Gigolo’ mask (The man who hides behind his sexual conquests)
• The ‘Mr. Stuck In His Head’ mask (The over-analytical thinker who processes everything from the neck up)

I immediately identified with the Mr. Nice Guy mask:

I’d always had this insatiable need for other people’s approval and was definitely a co-dependent do-gooder. I didn’t know how to take care of my own emotional needs.

Once I recognised this mask, I made the commitment to take it off.

And as a result of the years of inner work I can honestly say that I rarely put on that mask anymore. I feel happy and whole without it.

Identify your primary mask and make the commitment to take it off. You CAN be the authentic man you were born to be.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #8

Know The Rules

Men get told all their lives, in many ways and from a very young age, how to be a man.

The end result is a very narrow range of performance. So it’s important that ‘life hacks for men’ don’t simply become another set of rules added to that burden.

The task then is to reflect on all of the messages you have received or observed over your life about what is okay for a man. Or what is expected. Or what a ‘real man’ is like or what he does.

Things like:

Don’t cry. Don’t have feelings. Don’t show your feelings. Don’t talk about your feelings.

Or:

Don’t be weak. Harden up. Don’t let girls beat you. Don’t be (like) a girl. Don’t be gay. Don’t give or receive touch from other men.

Size matters: height, muscle size, penis size, wallet size.

To dig deeper, consider the messages you might have received that include a threat or implication of de-gendering or re-gendering.

A de-gendering message is one that says “you’re not a man if…” (insert performance activity here).

A re-gendering message is one that says “you’re a girl if…” or “only girls…” (do whatever).

It’s important to know the rules, so they don’t RULE YOU.

Identifying the rules is the first step in breaking their control over you.

In determining which rules don’t serve you, or make you feel that you have something to prove, you take back the power to decide if or how your masculinity is defined.
 

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #9

Solve For Fire

“You must work long and hard. Then, someday, maybe, you’ll get what you want.”

THAT is the success formula they’ve told you since you were a boy. And THAT is why you are surrounded by billions of men all pulling at the harness in neat little rows.

But yesterday’s formula is tomorrow’s dead-end.

For the world has changed.

The things you’re after… they cannot be attained the old way.

Man’s “secret weapon” of hard work has been commodified.

There will always be someone working harder, longer, faster, and cheaper than you.

To gain the freedom, the power, the MEANING you long for, you must slip the harness.

The world doesn’t need more ‘hard working men’. It needs men who are on FIRE.

It needs the foundations and enterprises and art and family cultures that can only be borne of inspiration.

From this day forward, in all you do, solve for fire.

Live your life however you must live it to keep your flame alive.

It is not an escape from work. It’s an escape from WASTED LIFE.

It’s re-diverting your life’s blood from drudgery to the deepest, most daring work you are capable of.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #10

Forget About Your ‘Purpose’

It doesn’t exist.

There is no career, business, or work-life balance specially assigned to you by an existential taskmaster.

There is no code to crack that will see you leap effortlessly out of bed each morning, finally secure in the feeling that you are justifying your existence.

It is a myth sold by spiritual con men and entrepreneurial almost-yogis who tell you that your ‘don’t know’ and ‘not sure’ is some kind of problem.

It is the way of the superior snake-oil salesman who assures you the reason the special sauce isn’t working is because you’re just not doing it right.

The truth is, you cannot be anything other than you – you are never anyone else. It is impossible to be anything other than 100% ‘in integrity’.

You are comprehensively, unwaveringly, and forever perfect. You simply have no choice in the matter.

You cannot do anything other than your best. You are incapable of doing any better, or any worse, at any point in your life, than you are already doing.

And what is better anyway?

Wake up.

There is no ‘purpose’.

You do not need a justification to be alive.

Your decision-making process is colour commentary. The main event has nothing to do with your personal narrative.

Don’t worry, you are not in control.

And when you honestly say ‘don’t know’, you are finally ‘right now’.

Life is impossible to fuck up.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #11

Fuck ‘Hacks’, Go Deep

The world doesn’t need another shortcut to mastery.

Depth can’t be hacked. Sorry.

It comes from years of commitment to something larger than yourself.

Deep sex, or deep stillness, deep openness, or the creation of great art, is the result of repeated practice. Especially when we don’t want to.

Depth comes from facing death in the form of not only physical challenge, but possibly financial failure, emotional collapse, and ego dissolution.

The trait of depth, versus a temporary state of depth brought on by a practice, is developed over time. It comes from dedicating ourselves to a modality that makes us stronger, more available to the world, or to another human being.

Depth requires us to face the part of us that wants to quit or take short cuts and to open through our natural fight or flight impulses to a place that is untouchable.

‘Hacks’ cut us off from the possibility of exponential growth that comes once we have passed the point of saturation.

Think of anyone you know who is truly artful at what they do or who they are. My guess is they have committed to one spiritual, physical, or embodied practice that has served as a foundation for whatever else they have added.

So if you’re reading this blog, fuck hacks, go deep.

Find someone that inspires you and study with them for at least a year.

Commit to mastering one modality – be it meditation, sexual practice, Yoga, martial arts, or physical fitness.

Stay longer than you want to.

Deal with your childhood programming getting triggered that tells you “fuck this, I can do better on my own”.

Only then will the teaching wind its way into your nervous system. So that you automatically respond in a way that inspires others and allows you to Be a certain way, rather than simply act a certain way.

If you want your life to unfold as a work of art that expresses the boundless expanse of your consciousness, of who you truly are as a man, fuck hacks, go deep!

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #12

Stop Taking Advice From Women

Allow me to clarify.

Women are most definitely able to assist men in blossoming into their manhood. However, most females in adult female bodies are functioning out of 1 of 2 distinct modus operandi:

The little girl.

Or

The mother.

Both of which will never be able to support you in understanding what being a man truly is.

The little girl will (unintentionally) guide you to being her ‘girlfriend’.

The mother will (unintentionally) guide you to being a ‘little boy’.

And both of them will eventually get tired of being with a man who is either a girlfriend or a son to them.

Become (for possibly the first time in your life) as intimate as you can with your wants, needs, and desires.

And follow them. Even if you make mistakes. Even if things go ‘wrong’.

Exercise taking the lead. Be your own authority. And stop looking outside of yourself for the answers.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #13

Approach With Boldness AND Sensitivity

The one life skill most men need, but don’t have, is simple: learning to approach women.

If you can’t do it, your dating pool is limited to the sheer luck of your social circle, and who happens to be single at any given time.

This leads men to see sex and intimacy as a scarce resource and jump from relationship to relationship out of desperation, instead of finding the woman that really rocks their world.

I’ve coached combat veterans, MMA champions, multimillion-dollar CEOs, former drug dealers – all the most ‘macho/alpha’ jobs you could think of, and approaching women still scared the shit out of them.

At the other end of the spectrum I’ve coached ‘embodied, conscious’ men who meditate and read David Deida… and yet that terrifying moment of starting a conversation with a woman keeps them locked in their cage.

Striking up a conversation with a woman is the ultimate mirror. You must transcend social boundaries, get out of your comfort zone, and risk looking like a fucking idiot.

Because it’s easy to meet people when you’re relaxed with your friends at a party.

But what about at a bus stop – where you could look like a creep, a sleaze, a weirdo?

Can you handle the pressure and take that risk? If the reward is an amazing connection with a woman that will draw you into your fullest potential as a man?

Approaching a woman is also the ultimate test of your presence, awareness, and empathy:

Can you get out of your head enough to feel HER energy, see what mood she’s in, and respond in real time to how you are making her feel?

This combination of the boldness to approach, and the sensitivity to her reaction – the awareness of what impact you have on her and being able to perceive how receptive she is to interacting with you, puts you in a different class of man.

Women tend to respect a man with the courage to approach AND the empathy to respect her boundaries.

During the interaction she becomes a mirror – feeding back to you your fears, insecurities, and paranoid delusions.

Learning to overcome this and connect with a stranger is liberating. And learning to sit in social pressure is an important life skill.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #14

8 Simple Life Hacks For Men That Will Set You Free

1. Real men ask for help.

2. Don’t outsource your power.

3. What one man can do, any man can do.

4. Cry when you’re sad. It’s just something humans do.

5. Be so fucking awesome that you’re impossible to ignore.

6. Tell the truth until it doesn’t hurt anymore. This is real healing.

7. The universe provides for those who have a sense of urgency.

8. If you’re reading these words right now, you’re ready. Get in the game.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #15

Your Balls Are Bigger Than You Think

‘Own your balls’.

It’s one of those pieces of advice that men often get.

But if all you’re doing is ‘owning’ them, you’re missing out on how big and powerful they really are.

One of the things you learn in Qi Gong is that your balls start in your lower back – in particular with your kidneys. They extend all the way down your legs to your feet. It’s all part of the one energetic system.

Yes, your ‘balls’ are really as big as pretty much everything from your kidneys to your feet. (Energetically speaking that is.)

So how do you connect with your big energy balls?

The simplest way is with a quick testicle massage:

• Start at the bottom of the feet – in particular just behind the front pad in the centre line of the foot there is a depression. This is where your energy connects with the Earth. And where your balls start.
• From there, massage up to the inside of your ankle (the Qi travels up the inside of your leg). Then up to the inside of your knee. Then up to your groin.
• Massage here, and your perineum. Then get your finger tips just behind your sack and gently lift out and release your testes, making a circular motion up as you pull out and down and relax in.
• Massage your shaft, your sacrum, and your lower back near the bottom of your rib cage where your kidneys are.
• Now wipe from your kidneys to sacrum to testes to groin down the inner legs to the feet.

Now own your balls.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #16

Stay True To Your Internal Compass

I was once told by an expert sailor that what I was about to do was so stupid that I would die.

Yet had I allowed another human to make a decision for me, I would not have had the most powerful set of experiences of my life:

At age 50, I finally grew some balls and took off on an epic solo sailing adventure. It was something I had dreamed of doing my entire life.

Adventure in any form is a driving need of men. We thrive on intensity.

Think about something you truly desire to do but keep hidden. Something you are afraid of admitting to or telling others about.

Understand that the more we keep hidden, the heavier the load upon our shoulders.

You want to do something positive and filled with intensity? Something you know deep down will only help you grow into the powerful man you wish to be?

Commit to it and figure out how to make it happen.

Stay true to your Internal Compass.

And spread your wings and fly.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #17

Prevent Burnout

For many men fatigue and lower libido is a normal part of life:

We have demanding careers, businesses, and personal lives. As well as the expectation to ‘step up’ and ‘be the man’.

In terms of Chinese medicine, we’re expected to always be expressing our ‘yang’ nature.

What often comes with this is an erratic diet and a lack of self-care. Too often men know they need to visit their primary healthcare provider, but it’s always on the cards for ‘tomorrow’.

This is evidenced by extremely low rates of early detection for chronic male health problems.

Addressing patterns of physiological disharmony early on is vital. It also means that you take the time to pause and check in with your embodied experience.

Ask yourself, how often are you:

• Feeling tired in the late afternoon?
• Finding it difficult to wake up or get out of bed in the morning?
• Finding it hard to get motivated and get shit done?
• Passing on sex, and having trouble finding your passion and desire?
• Feeling bloated?
• Feeling tired after you eat a meal?

These are all signs of some kind of physiological imbalance that may lead to a serious chronic illness later on.

Taking the time for self-care helps you embrace your ‘yin’ nature.

This is where you can receive help and assistance from another, to take the time for yourself and prevent burn-out, fatigue, and chronic illness.

Here are just a few of the things I find useful:

• Eat regular meals during the day. Our digestion is at its most efficient in the morning and early afternoon. Fuel your body at these times, not late at night, and eat appropriately for your constitution and activity levels.
• Regular cave-time. It may be your shed, your studio, the boat, or the forest. Either way, you need time to just be who you are. Without constraints or deadlines.
• Ask for what you need. Modern men are often persuaded to be present for others (especially his lover). But do you ever get the opportunity to have someone hold space for you? You deserve it bro – ask for it!
• Social connection. Go out and enjoy time with people – male or female – who see you, get you, and you can have a great time with in a healthy manner. You know who these people are – they’re the one that don’t need any social lubrication to have a good time.
• Regular body-work, such as massage or acupuncture. Sometimes the opportunity to do nothing for an hour while receiving this kind of treatment is replenishing enough, as well as addressing any specific health needs.

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #18

Be In Your Body

Want to know how to be on purpose?

It’s actually very simple. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.

When a man is IN his body – truly present in his feelings and sensations, it’s very difficult for him to not be on purpose.

The body and emotions are giving us accurate feedback of who we are and what we need to do (or not do) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Unfortunately most of us learned how to not feel pretty early on in life.

We learned to switch off.

Our connection to our cocks, to our guts, and to our hearts very quickly eroded as we became mind-based beings.

I know a lot of men (myself included) can blame women, or family for distracting them, for pulling them off course.

The thing is, if you are deeply connected to yourself, that’s just not possible. The only way we can agree to something that isn’t truly aligned with who we are is when we’re up and out of our bodies and living in a mental construct or daydream.

The man who resides in his belly, balls, and heart KNOWS what he is and isn’t willing to do in any moment.

How?

Because it hurts to go against it.

So the question isn’t “how do I know my purpose?”. The question is “how do I learn how to feel?”

Luckily it’s very simple to start.

My recommendation for any man wanting to be in his body is this:

Place your hands on your belly and gently breathe into it for 20 minutes each day.

That’s it.

Sit and pay attention to what you feel.

You’ll be amazed by what you learn…

Healthy Masculinity Life Hacks For Men #19

Empathy Is Essential

Once you have a bit of a handle on YOU (how you feel, what you think, what you want), the next step is empathy for others.

Because lets face it, without relationships most of us are not particularly happy or fulfilled.

And without having the capacity for deep empathy – to listen, to care, and to connect – our relationships can end up in the ‘too hard’ basket.

In my counselling practice I often end up coaching female clients to be very clear and precise in asking for what they want from their men-folk.

The focus is on getting the female to realise that the guy can’t be expected to read her mind.

Fair enough.

However, why do women have to be taught this? Maybe because they don’t have to do it so much with their female friends/family?

In general (no, not in all cases), women are socialised into focusing on others and how they feel. And that means they get to practice empathy far more than your average bloke.

So here’s how guys can up-skill in empathy:

• Get very present. (No distractions)
• Energetically step into her/his body. Imagine you can feel what it’s like for them.
• Don