by Tom James
[NOTICE: This article is satire. It is inspired by real events, but it is entirely a work of fiction. It is published, and intended to be read, for entertainment only. Any truth or actual facts contained in it are purely incidental or coincidental and are not intended to be, or to be construed as, facts. It may or may not use real names, and in all events such use is always in fictitious ways. Any resemblance to the truth or actual facts or to reality is purely coincidental, except for references to a famous person and/or organization, in which case the story may be based on real people or organizations, but the story surrounding or about these people or organizations is entirely fictional and is intended as satire and entertainment. The story is written as entertainment and not to disparage any persons, organizations, institutions or governmental bodies or officials, and no malice is intended, nor should any be inferred or construed from the satirically based story that is presented here. Any resemblance to persons or organizations, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as satire, parody or spoof of such persons or organizations and is not intended to communicate any true or factual information about them. This story is intended for a mature, sophisticated, and discerning audience and is not intended for persons lacking a sense of humor.]
For years, the ACLU has played a central role in defending the freedoms of speech and the press. In its first year of operation in the 1920s, it came to the defense of U.S. citizens who has been imprisoned for holding antiwar views. It stridently argued for the right of employees to speak and publish pro-unionization views. It opposed the deportation of citizens for holding dissident political views. It got a Tennessee law that criminalized the teaching of evolution overturned.
In subsequent years, the ACLU stepped up to the plate to challenge the suspension of a student for wearing a black armband to protest the Vietnam War. It played an active role in the Pentagon Papers cases. It defended the right of all citizens, no matter how popular or well-liked, to hold a parade as a means of expressing their views in public. It went to court to get the Communications Decency Act, which had broadly censored “indecent” speech, declared unconstitutional.
“Those things were all fine and dandy, to be sure,” an ACLU spokesperson recently chuckled condescendingly, “But they do not reflect the reality of the times we are living in now.”
The spokesperson, who would speak only on the condition of anonymity, explained that we all were so much older then; we’re younger than that now. “What we’ve come to know now is that freedom is not free.”
Asked to explain what freedom means if not freedom, he replied, “See, here’s the thing. People talk about how great free speech is, but words can hurt people’s feelings. People have a right to be comfortable, you know. Even so, however, we here at the ACLU still believe that speech and press rights, although not free, should sometimes be offered at a significant discount. That is something on which I think a majority of people would agree, so I think it is safe to say it out loud, assuming, of course, that it doesn’t make any government official who can hear it feel uncomfortable.”
Asked what would qualify as a substantial discount, the spokesman said that is something that would need to be determined by a government body composed of members who have been elected by popular vote.
“Government officials, being elected by a majority of voters, are better situated to gauge popular opinion about how much any particular freedom should cost and what kinds of discounts should be offered to different groups of people or points of view. The federal government, in particular, has access to a whole boatload of economic experts who are much more skilled at price indexing than we can ever hope to be.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” he added, “We will still defend to the death the right of anyone with a big pile of money they are willing to donate to us to yell ‘Fire sale!’ in a crowded theater.”
It is not clear what the organization’s new policy shift will mean in practice. There is some speculation, however, that a clearance sale on celebrity publicist service packages might be in the works.
[REMINDER NOTICE: This article is satire. It is inspired by real events, but it is entirely a work of fiction. It is published, and intended to be read, for entertainment only. Any truth or actual facts contained in it are purely incidental or coincidental and are not intended to be, or to be construed as, facts. It may or may not use real names, and in all events such use is always in fictitious ways. Any resemblance to the truth or actual facts or to reality is purely coincidental, except for references to a famous person and/or organization, in which case the story may be based on real people or organizations, but the story surrounding or about these people or organizations is entirely fictional and is intended as satire and entertainment. The story is written as entertainment and not to disparage any persons, organizations, institutions or governmental bodies or officials, and no malice is intended, nor should any be inferred or construed from the satirically based story that is presented here. Any resemblance to persons organizations, governmental bodies or officials, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as satire, parody or spoof of such persons or organizations and is not intended to communicate any true or factual information about them. This story is intended for a mature, sophisticated, and discerning audience and is not intended for persons lacking a sense of humor.]
