Separation is an intricate web of emotions, reflections, and evolving feelings. It’s a whirlwind that, while bringing clarity for some, stirs up a storm of doubt and uncertainty in others.

As you navigate this tumultuous phase, understanding your spouse’s internal dialogue can provide perspective and compassion.

Here’s an in-depth look into the seven main things your spouse might be thinking during separation:

What Is Your Spouse Thinking During Separation?

Relief and Regret (they go back and forth)

• The Breath of Fresh Air: Initially, the sensation might feel like emerging from stifling waters into a breath of fresh air. The constant disputes, the emotional drain, and the clash of perspectives might have been suffocating. This newfound space can be equated with freedom — a break from continuous strain. See my article/video, “Can Separation Save My Marriage?”
• The Sudden Pull of Nostalgia: However, nostalgia is potent. It’s the smile shared during a quiet evening, the first trip together, or the joyous celebrations that might now bring in a tidal wave of regret. Separation might start to feel like the loss of a cherished friendship. Was the separation too hasty? Did the good times outweigh the bad? These questions can create an emotional tug-of-war.

Reviewing Their Reasons for Wanting Out of the Marriage

• Reflection on Past Incidents: Separation wasn’t a decision made overnight. There were incidents, disagreements, rejections, and perhaps betrayals that stacked up over time. During the separation, these memories play like a movie reel, serving as a continuous reminder of why they felt the marriage was not worth it to them.
• Seeking Validation: Continually revisiting these reasons is also a quest for validation. They’re seeking assurance from their memories and experiences that they aren’t making a decision on a fleeting emotion or an impulsive reaction.

Fear that their decision is wrong

• The Weight of Decision: Decisions, especially life-altering ones, carry a weight. This weight can often manifest as fear — a nagging thought that perhaps they acted hastily.
• Facing the Unknown: The future, with all its uncertainties, can be intimidating. Questions about future relationships, the possibility of loneliness, and the potential of second-guessing their choices can be daunting.

Self Medicating and Rewarding Themselves for Getting The Separation Over With

• Escapism Through Indulgence: Facing the reality of separation can be painful. Some find solace in indulgences — be it a hobby, a luxury, or even unhealthy habits. It’s an escape — a way to momentarily forget the hurt and feel ‘alive’ or ‘free’.
• Risks of Overindulgence: However, this path has its pitfalls. What starts as occasional indulgence can quickly spiral into addiction or uncontrollable habits if not checked. While some rewards are rejuvenating, others can be a slippery slope into further emotional distress.

Curiosity About You and What You’re Doing

• Natural Concern: Regardless of the circumstances leading up to the separation, there was once love and care. It’s only natural to wonder how the other person is managing, both emotionally and practically — especially if there are children involved.
• Ego and Jealousy: On the flip side, ego can also play a role. The thought of you moving on faster or appearing more content can trigger feelings of jealousy or competition. However, this should not be used as a technique or tool because it can also blow up in your face and cause the straying spouse to run faster away.

Loneliness and Frustration

• The Void of Companionship: The absence of daily interactions, shared jokes, mutual chores, and even disputes creates a void. This can lead to an overwhelming sense of loneliness, even if they were the ones who initiated the separation.
• Navigating Life Alone: The challenges of managing life, kids, finances, and emotions alone can lead to frustration. They might grapple with the learning curve of singlehood, especially if they were dependent on you for certain tasks or decisions.

Wondering If It Could Work Out

• Rekindling Hope: Hope has a way of sneaking in. The thought of reconciliation, seeking coaching, or even starting afresh might seem alluring to them at times. After all, if there was love once, could it be reignited? This likely crosses the mind of your separated spouse.
• Analyzing the Possibilities: They might weigh the pros and cons, reflecting on whether the differences can truly be bridged or if it’s just a fleeting emotional response.

In Conclusion:

Separation is an emotionally charged phase. Both parties experience a myriad of feelings and thoughts, evolving over time. By understanding the possible thoughts your spouse might be grappling with, you can navigate this period with more empathy and clarity.

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Sincerely,

Coach Lee

Originally published at https://myexbackcoach.com on October 12, 2023.