Recently I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting.

I’m reaching the end of an era: the end of my PhD. A cross-road, if you will. This is something I’ve been working towards for almost four years; but if I’m completely honest, I’ve probably been working towards this for much longer. I’m faced with the prospect of figuring out what I actually want to do with my life. And through this, I’m reflecting on what I want from life in general.

You know what? I don’t know. I don’t have a clue what I want or who I am anymore…and that’s terrifying.

So what happened?

To be honest, I almost feel as though I’ve been walking around in a cloud of science, almost on auto-pilot. I’ve been working through my daily routines, shrouded in a Layer of anxiety, stress, and constant worry. I have been so focused on being perfect, proving myself, and “succeeding” that I completely lost track of myself.

Does this sound familiar?

Wake up

Work

Make/eat dinner

Go to sleep

Repeat

I’m fairly certain that in exclusively going through these motions I’ve isolated myself from others and, most importantly, from myself.

Lately I’ve been slowly peeling back those layers, and I’ve realised that they’ve almost blinded me. Beneath those layers I see someone who has been swept along through a tidal wave of stress. Sometimes drowning, sometimes light-headed with the feelings of finally getting a gasp of air.

Don’t get me wrong, the drowning analogy wasn’t constant, and this certainly wasn’t every single day. Some days I was giddy with happiness and pride. But it was often enough that I think it slowly changed me into someone who is out of touch with herself.

I don’t think a PhD has to be that way. I certainly don’t think life should be that way.

So, I want to give you the opportunity to reflect as well. Take this moment and think about whether you are truly present and in control of your life. Do you need to take a step back and re-evaluate your work habits? 

I’ve realised that a lot of my problems arise from wanting to control everything that happens, as all classic control freaks (like me) would agree. But here’s what I’ve discovered: you can’t control everything. Sometimes experiments will fail, people will let you down, and you might not be as good at certain areas of your work as you thought you were.

However, there are some things you can do to make yourself feel more in control, when the rest of the world is spinning around you.

Here’s are four things I’ve started to do, and you can too:

1. Take control of your health through healthy eating and exercising: This is a new one for me (like brand new). After feeling so out of control for so long and finally recognising it, I needed to find something I could control. So, working on my physical Health, and ultimately my mental health, makes me feel like I’m at the helm. I’m driving this boat, baby.

2. Take control of your work by setting goals and getting stuff done: Switch off auto-pilot and stop going through the motions. Step back, think about your work, and mindfully consider what needs to be done. Set small, yet achievable goals for yourself. Stay present. 

3. Daily self-reflection: Just pause for a moment. How are you feeling today? Why do you feel that way? I find journaling to be incredibly helpful in realising feelings I didn’t even know I had and becoming an active member of my own mind.

4. Build and maintain relationships: This might be really easy for some of you, but for me this is the hardest. When I’m bogged down by work and anxiety I tend to self-isolate and push everyone away.

I’m realising now that #1 I don’t really notice I’m doing it until it’s too late, #2 this is unhealthy, detrimental behaviour, and #3 I will end up a lonely old lady if I don’t snap out of it.

So, let’s stop ostrich-ing, and go for coffee some time, okay?

I know that list is short, but it’s because I’m only just beginning. I am hoping that in sharing this with you all I will feel more accountable, and I will stop letting my life be dictated by work and what I deem as “success”.

Easier said than done, right?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. How do you make sure you don’t lose yourself in work?

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