When was young I was confident and over all a very kind person. I was sure of myself, sometimes a little cocky, but mostly well checked. As a youth I never heard of how Egotistic I was. That didn't actually happen until I was in my 20's, and mostly from my ex wife. Although I admit, and have admitted, that I wasn't in a healthy place during those years of my life; I was genuinely confused as to how I had an ego problem.It turns out, however, I did.Now, a few things were happening to me during this time:

1. I left a soul sucking relationship of three years.
2. I spent three years of my youth incarcerated; analyzing my life choices.
3. I went from my state of incarceration straight to the soul sucking relationship.
4. I went from the soul sucking relationship into an amazing relationship with my ex wife.
5. I did not leave time between the two relationships.
6. I had a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual baggage to deal with.

Essentially, I had a lot of shit happen to me, did something to get myself locked up, entered an unhealthy relationship, and then entered a healthy relationship which became unhealthy. In hind sight I now know that when I was younger I was oblivious to the pain I was feeling and therefore wasn't fully feeling the effects of the damaged parts of me. When I was punished for breaking the law that was the first time I was ever forced to see a different side of who I was and what I was doing. Then, when I began to heal myself I entered into a relationship too soon for the sake of not being alone. By the time I entered into my second relationship I was so lost emotionally, and spiritually that I no longer recognized myself; but I was not strong enough to not be alone. If I had have been healthier I would have taken the second relationship slower and done more work on myself. But, everything in hindsight is a matter of could haves, would haves, and should haves. When I say I didn't understand how I could be ego driven I really mean that it made no sense to me. On one hand I was told how kind and thoughtful I was, on the other how nasty and egocentric. One of the other issues I had during this time was the world was getting smaller; the good old internet was now available to the us all. So, I had the only person I trusted ever misguiding me by telling me that ego is bad. And, I had the trusty internet doing the same thing. Even now, all the memes and articles and graphics shame the ego. But, let's look a little deeper. How about we look at the etymology of the word and its true meaning. The word 'ego' is a Greek word for 'I,' meaning the core sense of self, a distinct and unique expression of personhood, one that paradoxically exists in connection or in relation to life and others. Well, ain't that a bitch? If I had someone in my life at the time who was capable enough and healthy enough to teach me that, then I would have saved myself a whole lot of issues. Instead, for me, the paradigm shift happened when I was thinking of several things I was learning and I connected the dots.What I learned over the years was that a healthy ego deals with emotions in a functional way; from the inside out. This kind of ego is encourages growth of every sense and vibrates at a high level. On the opposite end, the unhealthy ego can't deal with emotions, has not filter or control and does not encourage growth. The dictionary defines ego as: a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance. It is really the difference between I and ME where I is inclusive and ME is segregated and combative. In my case, I didn't possess all the tools necessary for a healthy relationship. And, I needed to work on myself a lot. That, coupled with the fact that I was being demonized for the first time in my life and I was receiving massively mixed messages I chose to be the monster I was said to be. If I lived those years again I would make different choices, well, that is, if I lived those years again knowing what I now know.My unhealthy choice to continue operating from an unhealthy ego made things worse and worse until I woke up one day not recognizing myself and how I got there. Then, two years later I woke up again and I was alone in my bed and in my house and in my life for the first time in nearly 20 years. I had forgotten how to be alone, and the person I was both frightened and disgusted me. Not to mention I was still left with this conflicting thought about my ego. On one hand, I always simply believed that my ego was a part of me and my connection to my spiritual pathway and to others. On the other hand I believed I needed to kill my ego. Needless to say I tried killing my ego and felt even more lost, empty, and lonely than I had before. Then, I brought it back around and cleaned it up. That's when my healing really began.