I’ve been naïve.
For a long time, I’ve been naïve. A dewy-eyed romantic. I believed in maintaining the status quo above everything else. Fix the present, setting the foundations for a better future. Avoiding conflict through tactical compromise.
Before, everything was definitive. Binary.
But now, I’ve grown wary, but not weary.
Yeah, but what if I’m too cautious now? I mean, I used to see everything as black and white, and now, it’s looking real gray to me.
Jake Peralta, Brooklyn 99 – S5E3
Since my last post, a year back, if it isn’t abundantly clear from the prologue, things have drastically Changed. This whole last year was a shit show, I’m just finding out things that I didn’t know.
Have they changed for the better? I don’t know yet. But the one thing I do know is that has certainly sparked some serious epiphanies. I’ve had to rediscover a few things. I’ve had to relearn a few things.
I’m not going to delve into what went down, this is not a place for it. I’ll give a condensed gist so that you know where I’m coming from.
So, what happened?
I lost. I had been fighting a battle no one knew about, for almost a year. And I lost. I had to make peace with it. I found some unexpected solace in my past. I didn’t have any faith/hope to begin with. But that changed when I got back in touch with a dear old friend.
AB, thank you.
And when I thought I had it under control, fate intervened. Ugh, such a cliché statement, I’m sorry.
Does this count as another loss, though? Huh, interesting, hadn’t thought about it till now.
Anyway, that constituted a few months of personal darkness. When I was down in the depths, I noticed others who had succumbed to the darkness below. Once thriving beings, now just a shell of what they used to be. Defeated, Given up, Dark, Negative, Cynical.
Is this a fate worse than death?
But hey, I’m still here. Still standing, alive and kicking. Whatever I’ve had to do this year, those things, it was a learning experience. Whatever skills I’ve acquired since the dark ages, those, are malleable, transferable.
So, I made a promise to myself. Whenever I resurface, which seems to be happening right now, I would share my secrets. Share what Helped me pull through. Share what got me back to the land of the living again. I made a promise, that I would help others, avoid, what I couldn’t. Let’s get started, *snap*.
Music – Because Life Without A Background Track, Is Mundane
Songs have been an integral part of who I was, and they will continue to play an all-so-important role, in years to come as well. It ain’t much of a stretch to assume that it holds true for some, or rather most of the people out there either.
Songs, hit differently when you are hurting. You start to feel every lyric is about you, is about what you have gone through, is what you are going through. You relate to the lyrics, relate to the story behind the song. And depending on the type of songs you listen to, it will either pull you up or push you even deeper.
When the bough breaks, most people opt for emotionally heavy songs, songs that make you cry. I for one, went the opposite way. I found myself listening to metal. I found myself exploring a lot of new bands, a lot of new genres of music. Most surprising of them all, were Christian Rock, Grunge Metal, and English Country. This may seem normal to a few, but to me, this is one of the things that baffled me.
Linkin Park, has been making music that helped people for decades. Even after Chester’s shocking and heartbreaking suicide, his legacy lives on. The music they made, they songs they put out, it continues to be the savior of the hurt, the alone and the scarred masses. It is hard to live up to that kind of a legacy, let alone top it. But Mike Shinoda, has put out a few genuine gems – Happy Endings, Hold It Together – to name a few, and these 2 songs have been, blessings, to say the least. Maybe give it a whirl?
My explanation?
To me, listening to a song, was peace. The song was an escape. It was like listening to whatever I was feeling, from someone else. Most of us, are better at helping others, than helping ourselves. When it comes to ourselves, we disregard everything, and diminish the value of things around us.
So, when someone else is telling what they are going through – the singer through their songs – we understand that in a better way, we think about it. And this thinking process, happens involuntarily since we have to decipher the lyrics and extract the subtextual meaning. And since we already think every lyric is about us, that chain of thought, helps us to deal with our own shit.
I do be crazy a bit.
Talking About It – Vent Away My Friend
Yes, I did talk to a therapist.
Therapy is nothing negative, nothing to be ashamed about, nothing to be hidden away. There is still a lot of misconception about what therapy is and what it does for you. There are people around me, who genuinely think therapy is just for nutjobs or psych cases. That could not be further from the truth. And I feel sorry for these people.
The best of us can have bad days or rough patches, wherein nothing goes our way, wherein everything around us is collapsing. And it doesn’t make you any less of a man/woman, to seek help.
A while back, I saw a post online. It was a simple question, “What is the bravest thing you have done/said?” And the answer that I found the most fascinating, was “asked for help“. In this world, that has completely changed what it means to be strong and independent, how can we disregard something like this?
The pandemic did lift some of the taboos off therapy, but it’s not enough. I’m drifting here. Okay, pull back.
A therapist does not solve your problems for you. They don’t give out unsolicited advice about how to fix your issues. What a therapist does, is guide you. They create a safe space so that you can process what happened without the fear of being judged.
Seeing a therapist, it made me better at problem-solving.
It helped me understand myself. It helped me understand what I was feeling. It helped me get a hold of myself. It helped me hold my shit together.
—
Seeking out help from a therapist, is a personal choice, and not everyone will go for it, we haven’t evolved that much as a society. But talking to a friend? That’s something we can do, yes?
After the fallout, I reached out to a few friends, old and new, in an attempt to find a safe space, in an attempt to find someone I could confide in. While a few of the people who I reached out to, did let me down, which I anticipated, I was lucky enough to find a few who would change everything, for the better. It’s funny how someone who is so far away, miles away at times, can be so close. RO, this one’s for you.
While talking, I realized it was easy to talk to them. Either because they had gone through some shit of their own, and they had come out of it, or they didn’t know that they were waiting for a chance to talk it out.
Well, I’m glad my misery brought them joy XD
Just talking about your problems, opens up a lot of avenues for growth and recovery. Because, when you talk about them, you don’t just talk, you don’t blurt out a preplanned or rehearsed script. When you talk, it is always a conversation. It’s always narrating what happened.
And when you talk, especially about things that are hard to talk about openly, there will be a lot of blank spaces, which you do fill in on the spot, analyzing the situation, and coming up with an explanation, or perhaps even a solution. You begin to understand how you actually perceived the situation. Once you understand how and why it affected you the way it did, you can then make a plan to make some changes, make a plan to rectify the damage, make a plan to recover from it.
That’s the most important thing. The ability to understand what happened and the ability to deal with whatever can happen.
Get Out – Not Going Back Into My Shell
No, I’m not going to be your “gym bro”.
I’ll admit, I was always into some physical activity. Be it Badminton, Swimming, Cycling, Running, Skating, Football. Doing those things, made me happy. But that’s not why I included that here. Endorphins aside, doing some physical activity, was, for me, a necessity. And a boon.
And it had to be a combination of something I could do on my own, like Swimming or Running, but also it had to be someplace wherein I would be able to meet new people, like Badminton and again, Swimming.
I had to learn how to be by myself and at the same time figure out ways to be more social, figure out how to meet new people.
Becoming comfortable being alone, was necessary for the recovery.
And being more social, and meeting new people was something I had to correct, about myself.
I was afraid when everything fell through, I would default to my original self – Silent, Non-Expressive, Introverted, Back To Hiding Alone, Living Alone, Suffering Alone, Improving Alone. I had tried so hard over the past few years to better myself. I managed to be more open, to be more expressive, to trust people, and to be more social. I did not want to let it all drift away into oblivion.
So, I strived to be more social. Participating in random corporate events, and meeting old and new people more frequently. I started to believe that I was, in fact, NOT an introvert. I had held on to that belief for as long as I can remember, and I used that diagnosis, to justify my not being social as people wanted me to be. And that is also one of the reasons for the darkness that spread.
But when I actually put in the time, put in the effort, it became pretty clear to me, that I had a extroverted side to me. It was in fact pretty easy for me to let go of the old belief. And to accept the fact that I am in fact, a pretty outgoing person. Who knew? XD
Of course, I had a bit of help on this path of self-discovery. As I stated before, talking to someone helped me understand myself better. Once I knew how and what my actual personality was, it was easy to accept the new me.
A few things that I learned
Put some distance between your mind and yourself –
I figured out pretty late my brain and I, work pretty well when there is a bit of distance between them. When I don’t actively try to fix any issue, and just focus on becoming okay, it clears out the mind to spark an epiphany.
To open up –
It’s okay to trust and open up to more than one person. Back then, I had only one confidant. But ever since the fallout, I have tried to communicate and trust a select few people. Of course, I’m not going around disclosing personal details to everyone I see.
To give me some credit –
I tend to disregard my feelings, my abilities, and accomplishments. Doing that over and over again kind of wrecks your confidence. I need to be okay with being proud of what I can do, being proud of what I am, and not worry about coming off as cocky.
To not be hard on yourself –
I have endless patience when dealing with others and the problems of others, but when it comes to dealing with my own shit, I have surprisingly less patience. I used to be way too hard on myself, which I am working on, even today. But it has to happen, it adds way too much unnecessary pressure on your mind.
To prioritise myself on occasion –
It’s a hard thing to do, but we have to start somewhere. We can’t keep living our lives the way others want us to. We can’t keep doing things that benefit others at a personal cost. We have to figure out a selflessness line, a boundary. It’s okay, to say no, every once in a while and do things that make you happy.
And most importantly,
Whatever I have done in my recovery, had done before the fall, things might have been different.
Things/improvements that could have helped me turn the tide in my battles, or prevent them altogether, I have done it all, I have become better than the times past, and now I am confident that should the same situation arise again, I won’t lose the battle this time.
But that’s exactly what life is, isn’t it? You learn from your mistakes, you learn from your losses. You just keep learning.
Do something today, that makes you better tomorrow, than you were yesterday.
Matt Carriker – King of the Demolitia.
So, have things changed for the better? It’s a lot of gray.
It still sucks a lot, but it sucks a lot less than it did before.
Do I miss the things and people I’ve lost? Always.
Am I grateful for the experiences past? Immensely.
And at the end of the day, maybe I am even thankful for everything that happened.
