“There are only two kinds of people who can drain your energy: those you love, and those you fear. In both instances it is you who let them in. They did not force their way into your aura, or pry their way into your reality experience.”
― Anthon St. Maarten

I am fortunate to be a member of a local chorus lead and directed by an individual whose credentials include training world-renowned classical voice masters.

As I listen and work to incorporate his instruction and direction in music and singing, I am delighted to find his teaching principles apply to other areas of life.

One lesson he often repeats is you cannot passively sing and expect to be on key. He admonishes us to create the notes in our heads and be conscious of the ones to come.

He emphasizes this is especially vital when singing a sting of the same notes. We cannot be passively singing notes from memory; he teaches us that quality singing has to be an active choice.

One day, as I sat in my chair, waiting for the altos to finish going over their parts, I realized almost everything we do effectively is when our brains are active.

If I throw the gears in my mind in neutral, what I’m attempting to accomplish can often be ineffectual and even hazardous.

I am convinced that active Thinking is vital when dealing with Difficult people. First, I must remind myself what I have learned about human behavior and then, I must actively apply it, using my thought and reasoning process. I cannot do this when my brain is in neutral.

Three lessons I have learned about human behavior

1. People rationalize their actions

Each day, we come upon circumstances, people, ambitions and more that make it easy to rationalize what we say and do.

Without a thought, we can treat others rudely or aggressively; it’s almost as if spiteful words just “pop out” of us. While our brain is in neutral, our actions can cause many difficulties.

If we were to stop and reflect on why we said those rude words, we’d most likely find a rationalized explanation.

When my brain is in neutral, I might say some rotten things about a coworker. Why? I may rationalize it because, a) they said some rotten things about me, b) I want to look better, or appear smarter than them or c) I think so little of myself, I want to make someone else look inferior, so I will feel better about my shortcomings.

Active thinking, difficult people and rationalization

If I want to get the best out of life, I must discipline myself to go through my day with my brain activated.

This means I can no longer take the backseat and let my brain idle in neutral. I need to think through what I will say and do and when necessary, make amends for my behaviors when I have been passive.

Keeping my brain active, I can connect my own actions and reactions. It becomes easier to reflect upon the fact that the difficult people in my life also rationalize their actions and reactions.

When I understand that many things people say and do to me are in response to their neutralized rationalizations, I see them in a different light.

It gives me at least a general answer, why did you say or do this to me? I could not progress to this level of thinking while my brain is in neutral.

2. People often act and react because of something within them

Do you remember the first time you yelled at your kids about something they had done and realized you sound just like your mother?

For many of us, it’s a frightening event. You promised yourself you would be different; you’d have more patience with your own kids. Then, boom! Something happens, you react and sound like your parents.

Much of what you do and say stems from the roots of your background. These things include your strengths, weaknesses, perceptions, insecurities, hurts, sensitives and more.

When your brain is in neutral, it’s easy to take in the negative things people say and do toward you and conclude these people have a problem or grudge against you.

If this is the case, it’s no surprise many of us struggle with the difficult people who live within our circle of acquaintances.

Active thinking, difficult people and their actions and reactions

Active thinking can give you the ability to see beyond others’ actions. Much of what the difficult people in our lives do is more about them than it is in reaction to who we are.

For example, someone at work is hostile and unapproachable. If you’ve left your brain in neutral, it may conclude this person’s negative actions and reactions are in response to you and what you may have said and done.

This undisciplined thinking can lead you down a road built on insecurity and self-loathing.

In reality, this person’s actions have little to do with you; it’s often a reflection of how the person grew up. If we take the time and think about why others act and react, difficult people are easier to deal with.

Active thinking also makes it possible to have more compassion toward difficult people and when we do need to confront them, we can do it in a kind and effective manner rather than in an aggressive one.

3. Other people’s actions/reactions do not define you

Because we do not live a life of isolation, we are in constant contact with other people. It’s true we can pick up other’s reactions, moods and even thought patterns, but these things need not define you.

If you are not actively thinking, a difficult person in your life will have the ability to influence you, even to the point of defining who you are and who you may become.

A brain in neutral takes in data unfiltered. Therefore we need to ponder how we are raising our children. They do not realize they can challenge others’ actions/reactions.

As a result, children often define themselves based upon what they feel the people surrounding them think. Because many adults have their brains in neutral much of the time, they too define themselves incorrectly.

Labels difficult people may place upon you get ingrained when they’re not challenged and this can change the way you act and think for the rest of your life.

Active thinking, difficult people and their opinions about you

Getting into the habit of considering others’ opinions of you is important when dealing with difficult people. Using your brain to test the words and actions of these people gives you freedom.

Attempting to challenge opinions and words takes power away from them and places it back with you. You define who you are, not the difficult people in your life.

Handling difficult people is hard work

Effective ways to deal with difficult people takes a lot of energy and effort. Thoughtful consideration requires effort and practice.

This mental work is tiring and because of this, many people throw in the towel as if to say, These people are difficult but I don’t have what it takes to deal with them successfully. I’ll just have to live with it.

This is how many live their lives but it doesn’t have to be this way for you. You can keep your brain active and deal with the difficult people that come your way in life.

How to Successfully Handle Difficult People was originally published in The Ascent on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.