Be forewarned if you have not already picked up on this little fact: I am a mess and sloppy with my Writing. Whatever gets the thoughts out, am I right?

Hi, friends. I have been absent. I have been avoiding and ignoring my deepest internal energy and filling the void with marathons of SVU, an hour of cardio pretty much daily, and yet as there should be no surprise whatsoever, I feel the “s” word. Stuck.

I would love to catch up on what I’ve been doing, but there is not much to discuss. I sleep like a normal human being which is lovely. I have started physically attending college again. The semester of 2014 I only did three online classes. Now I am back at school Tuesdays and Thursdays taking 3 in person classes and on online class. This keeps me occupied sometimes. I work four days a week totaling 23-26 hours per week. I spend about 1.5 hours in the gym.

Right now my anxiety is peeking as it’s Spring weather aka time to change into more revealing clothes. The issue lay here that I am not the same body as I was last year. I am probably 3-7 pounds heavier and it shows, especially in my mind. I am trying to think that maybe this is my body dysmorphia Disorder Talking, but seriously it’s been very difficult.

I do not know how to move forward in weight loss. Well, I do know. It’s just not working or not working all the time. I am trying to write and change my thoughts by focusing that all influencing factors are controlled by me. I PUT THIS IN MY MOUTH, I need to acknowledge in moments that I know what I am doing to myself. A great example is the mindless snacking. I lack such will-power and the person I was this time last year did not. I am without the motivation, determination, and goals I used to have. Was I better person being overworked, exhausted, but still moving forward in this path of life?

I decided to come back to writing. I left my diary about eight or nine months ago and I miss it. I want to keep myself accountable for the things I say. I want to use my psychology knowledge and put it to action. That’s really why I wanted to study psych, I want to figure myself out. If I can do that then I may be able to help many, many people.

Right now I need to set goals to become a thinner version of myself. This is not my eating disorder talking. I am happier when I am Smaller. I find smaller appealing. I can be smaller. I will be smaller. I should start weighing myself. At least twice a week for accountability.

***THIS IS AN OLD POST. I FOUND IT IN MY DRAFTS. Probably 2014 I wrote this. Posting it due to memories, relevance, and you see Abby in true form***