I am obsessed with a new game.

Prior to the Shania Twain concert starting, I looked over and Ms. JM was playing a game. The game looked like many that I had played at various desk jobs in the past. Match up the same color balls (that’s what she said) to burst them and eventually win. But this one was marketed with Disney Pixar’s Inside Out characters. The balls aren’t just random colored balls (twss), they’re memories. Like in the movie.

So I downloaded it and started playing that night.

I have not stopped since.

It has become a bit of an obsession, really. It’s sad, really. But it’s fun as hell.

In the game, you are first Joy. Then you get to add Sadness to that. I finally got to a level where I can play as Anger. And, I have to tell you, I have realized that Joy and Sadness got on my damn nerves. If I can win with Anger, I will.

And that, my friends, is the crux of this foray into the human psyche. I realized the second I said that in my head that it was so true of how I live my life. Anger is an Emotion I trust. I feel comfortable with anger. Anger may not always suit me or my mood, but anger seems like an emotion you can trust.

Joy. Sadness. Nope. Don’t trust them.

Which kind of explains my mixed reaction to the movie, Inside Out. Don’t get me wrong, it was cute and I think it does a good job of explaining complex things to kids that probably helps them. Some adults I know would benefit from it as well. But throughout the movie I couldn’t help but be irritated as all hell by Joy. And Sadness, while I felt she didn’t get her due (as is the point of the film), didn’t exactly sit with me in a comfortable way.

But Anger…that dude had a lot to offer. Including SWEAR WORDS.

And that, I think, is something to think about. All of it really. I feel comfortable with Anger not just as an anthropomorphized character in a kids movie or a ridiculously addictive phone game, but as a general concept.

I express anger at the political and social realities of our world.

I express anger when I spill something, stub my toe, find out one of my classes has been cancelled without my input.

Anger is my go-to emotion. Sure, just like in the movie anger gets mixed up with sadness, fear and disgust at times. Hell, even joy and sadness sweep in to really confuse things. But anger is an emotion that I trust.

I have written before about how when I first felt unadulterated joy as an adult I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. But the other side of that coin is that feeling sadness of a profound nature is also something that, despite living with major depression most of my life, still does not feel comfortable to me. I don’t trust it. Perhaps my Sadness character got corrupted long ago, too.

There’s something about anger that just seems right to be wrong. If you are angry, even if it is misdirected, I feel like there is so much truth in the emotion that it is easy for me to understand. I take comfort in the everyday frustrations in a really weird way. I am used to them. I can deal with them. Anger gets me through the day…swear words and all.

Joy seems bizarre and hyper. In the movie, the character is too controlling. And I think, as a society (and yes, this was part of the message as well) we seek out too much joy instead of finding the value in other emotions.

Sadness seems lazy.

Disgust and fear get corrupted into guilt and phobia.

Anger is just anger. Plain and simple.

Now, to be fair, one should not live their life in a state of anger. My perpetual frustration at the world is a sign of a disordered brain. Perhaps the memories did get messed up. Perhaps the islands of my personality do need some reshuffling. But the thing that Inside Out doesn’t quite get about depression, for me, is that it isn’t a breakdown of the brain. Things don’t shut off. Sometimes there is an overabundance of joy and you don’t trust it because you’re used to fear. Maybe Family Island has always been mixed emotions at best, or not even set up at worst.

Depression, for me, has never been about everything shutting down or everything starting back up either. Depression–and really, life–has been about learning to manage complex emotions from an early age in a brain that can’t seem to shuffle the deck quickly enough to start the next round. It is about finding comfort, not joy. It is about managing anger and sadness, even if it means a healthy dose of fear.

Sometimes it boils down to admitting that you trust an emotion most people just find to be a nuisance, a punchline or a political statement more than you trust joy.

I’m fine with that balance that I have struck. And I will keep playing this damn game until I beat it, so help me Beyonce.