This year was good though. I was really, really happy for 6 whole months. Happier than I have been in years. Decades.

Unfortunately, the incredibly heavy deep sadness has returned.

Part of it is that I feel like I have utterly failed as an artist. I can't make myself do it. I can't motivate myself. Stuff isn't just popping in there anymore. I feel completely disconnected from the source I used to draw from. I thought once I healed from all the abuse I suffered & the stress was gone & I was happy, the source would return. It didn't.

Now, I'm out of time.

As the sun sets on Summer, so sets my part-time job & the free time I was bestowed with to create. Money is tight & I'm just not pulling my weight, so back to the 8 to 5 grind I go.

It's hard not to be utterly devastated & completely disappointed with myself.

T has been so stressed at her job that the guilt has been eating me alive.  While I wallow & try to force myself to do something, she has to put up with disrespect, bullying & tons of other forms of bullshit. I told her to get out. So, she is.  I'm glad.

On top of that, we've got a megalomaniac moron running the country & most of our relatives worship the idiot like some sort of savior. That's pretty freaking depressing.

Then there's the aloneness. The realization that while you have some great friends, you've never had THAT friend. The one you can text anytime. The one you bond with. The one that will be you best man or maid of honor. The one that you can go hang out with anytime, anyplace. Is that just a myth? I swear I see my friends with THAT friend. Like they all have one. Is it my imagination?

I feel like this is my fault. It's because of the way I am. I've f'd up somewhere, somehow. I've pushed people away without meaning to, or so it seems to them. I'm never aware people feel like this until way after the fact. I'm socially clueless. People get hurt & don't tell me. THAT friend would, but yeah, I don't have THAT one.

Don't get me wrong, I have T & that connection & bond is more than I could have ever dreamed, but...I wish I had THAT friend, too. Having a soulmate, someone who gets you, is so amazing, but one still needs outside connection. Our house used to be so lively with people. Now, most days, it's dark & quiet & oh so lonely. Empty. Still.  I'm dying to connect, but paralyzed to go just be out there. I think the lack of connection & conversation has a direct affect on my creativity.

Life is stale.

Now, it's heavy.

And lonely.

And cold.

I just want to sleep.