Essay: crime increase

Vamos a trabajar hoy un Writing que es de una alumna mía, Ruth, a la cual voy a dar las gracias por querer compartir su conocimiento y aprendizaje con todos los demás seguidores de la web, MUCHÍSIMAS GRACIAS!

Ruth está acudiendo a mis clases de inglés para preparación de CAE, que es nivel C1.

Simplemente deciros que las notas rojas, si están tachadas es porque son errores, y cuando no lo están, es algo que se debería haber puesto y no estaba. Las notas azules, en cambio, son aspectos positivos para nivel C1. Vamos allá!

Se trata de un essay sobre a violent crime increase among teenagers and the role of parents.

During the last ten years, there has been an Ongoing Debate over why the violent crime rates have increased, particularly among teens and the role of parents and teachers in this issue.

The vast majority of psychologists claim that the most significant reason for this increase is less awareness regarding the importance of social and emotional development in children’s lives.

Parents, teachers and childhood friendships are considered the most influential factors to avoid or at least decrease these types of attitudes and behaviors.

For example, should families teach children good manners, since they are born, these will be learned and consequently in the future, teenagers will be likely to act in the same way.

To illustrate this issue, we can think in of progenitors who daily smoke, some years after it, their sons or daughters children will consider the activity of smoking such as something ordinary.

Due to this fact, parents should be careful with their actions and consider the drawbacks that those will have in the near future.

Also, families working in teamwork with teachers can help to reduce this trouble.  For example, at school not only is knowledge taught to the children, but they also are developed programs to remove drugs, bands, etc.

However, the television has a negative influence in on this matter. It can be clearly seen that these violent movies lead to an increase in violent crime due to the fact that teenagers try to copy them, first watching and then playing in video games. For example, “Call of Duty” and its versions have overcome exceeded one hundred millions of units in sales. This game is based on the idea of killing, stealing or raping to earn money and get the goal.

In conclusion, I tend to believe that if we want to considerably reduce the number of crimes, adults have to provide a good education as well as attending their emotional needs instead of leaving letting them using use devices during for hours.

Children’s early learning is the most important aspect in their lives.

NOTAS:

1. El essay está muy bien para nivel C1, ya que se ha usado una buena estructura, una gran variedad de conectores y gramática de nivel avanzado.
2. Aspectos a mejorar:

• Friendship y behaviour son palabras incontables, por lo que no pueden ponerse en plural, aunque en español sí se pongan en plural.
• Think in = think NUNCA lleva la preposición in. Aquí puedes ver la diferencia: verbos/adjectivos/ sustantivos seguidos de preposición
• A los hijos, cuando se habla de ellos en general, incluyendo chicos y chicas, se les llama “children”.
• Consider something + AS
• Television = no lleva the porque hablamos de ella en sentido general, por tanto, omitimos artículo.
• Influence + ON
• Overcome = superar un problema, un momento difícil, pero superar en número es “exceed”.
• Cuando la palabra million lleva un número delante, no lleva -s, y al sustantivo de detrás (units) tampoco se le pone “of”.
• Permitir a alguien hacer algo = let somebody do something. El verbo leave significa dejar, pero un lugar físico (I leave home at 8).
• Diferencia entre during y for = for + número para expresar “cuánto” (for 3 days) y during + periodo de tiempo (during the summer).

3. Aspectos positivos:

• There has been= ha habido: verbo haber en presente perfecto.
  
• Uso de adverbio para enfatizar = particularly, consequently, clearly seen.
• Pasiva: these will be learned, is taught, can be clearly seen.
• Primera condicional con inversión: should families teach children…, these will be learned… = si tú que estás leyendo esto quieres ver este punto gramatical para poder utilizar en tus writings, aquí lo puedes hacer.
• Inversión con negative adverbial: not only is knowledge taught… but also. Aquí puedes ver algo al respecto.
• Will be likely to
• As well as + verb in ing
• Is based on
• Buenos conectores y phrases: regarding, due to this fact, due to the fact that, I tend to believe that, claim that, etc. Hablando de conectores, se aconseja utilizar sinónimos. En este writing, en lugar de utilizar “due to” varias veces, se puede utilizar: because of, because of the fact that, owing to, as, etc. Al igual que con “for example”, un sinónimo es “for instance”.
• Buen vocabulario: ongoing debate, drawback, awareness, lead to.

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