One of the dictionary.com definitions for 'like' is "to indicate one’s enjoyment of, agreement with, or interest in".. So it goes like this, when one takes interest in another, they find enjoyment in spending time together so long as it is reciprocated and consensual. Unfortunately, what I've found is that during this process, somewhere along the way, the two become vulnerable with each other. Google defines 'vulnerable' as an individual who is "susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm". Synonyms for 'vulnerable' include the following: helpless, defenseless, powerless, impotent and weak. Feeling vulnerable at the start of a new relationship can be detrimental to one's self confidence and sense of identity. However, vulnerability is an essential stepping stone into building a trusting bond. Wikipedia defines 'love' as "a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection to pleasure; it can refer to an emotion of a strong attraction and personal attachment". In my experience, love is indescribable, organic and generally unconditional.
Maybe not just my experience, more so my beliefs.
Western societies have incurred many rules and regulations to dating that seem essential to abide by regardless of sex, gender and sexual orientation. The idea of commitment and monogamy are overtly politicized for the 21st century. People still believe in 'love at first sight' or 'soul mates' even though we are all quite dependent on white lies, tricks-or any of the other "games" we see on TV, in the movies, and of course, in our own lives, -to be loved. It's commonly understood that love is chaotic in the sense that it irrationally tangles individual lives, feelings and emotions. It's also commonly accepted as an everyday problem people encounter.
I have often dated guys with no end goal in mind; I've hated labels for a long time now and I've always been in a constant state of change and renewal. I fear being hurt more than I want to love. I am also afraid to surrender any power or control. So monogamy, commitment and vulnerability has never appealed to me-in the romantic sense-as much as it has now.
My life has often been a roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. The past year, 2015, was quite a low for me as I slowly started to lose my hope, determination and strong will. I came to a point of dejection that left me with very little self worth and self love. I went back home for the summer which made things worse in a lot of ways. I felt myself succumb to the vile, little, depressed and anxiety filled creature I used to be. Once I came back to British Columbia it was time for me to commit to self care. It's a lot easier said than done and it's vital to realize that it takes time.
During this transition, I also met someone new. I've grown to like him so much that I've made many unexpected exceptions in our 'getting to know each other' period. We've gotten too close too fast but who's to say there's a right time for any of that, right?
I haven't entirely gotten rid of the monster within but I've become strong enough to stop it from taking control. I'm learning to love myself and my flaws. But it has been difficult to share that with someone so new.
Maybe that's on my part, maybe I'm still taking my time to get to know him and slowly build a trusting Relationship. I don't believe in playing games to attract people, Love at first sight or the idea of soul mates. I want to believe in the possibility of healthy relationships between two people who can support each other at their most vulnerable state through communication and understanding. The person you love or like or date should not be your therapist, however, I do think it's important to feel comfortable being at both highs and lows with your significant other. I believe I need him to be able to listen and to understand, somehow intuitively. The only thing is I need to be ready to be vulnerable first.
Relationship; "the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected". In order to be vulnerable I need to be okay with who I am and who I have been in my past. I'm still working on my relationship with myself. Who's to say I can't work on more than one relationship at the same time, right?
It's just that I am scarred from my past in a way he may not understand.
And I am afraid he won't like what he sees when he sees more of it.
As soon as someone probes into my past to see the kind of person I've become, I pull away. At this point in my life, I am an avoider of all things unpleasant when I have the control to be. Opening up, exposing my wounds, gives me an unsettling feeling of insecurity that makes me feel as though I can't be vulnerable. This is going to be interesting.
