The following is a series of text messages I sent to my ex-girlfriend within the past two days. None of them have been edited and no messages have been omitted. Every one of these messages are sent from me to her. She did not respond during this entire period.
December 2
9:14 AM - I feel like an asshole for being unable to believe you for your word. However, openness, honesty, and your ability to keep your promises have been lacking...
9:22 AM - You just don't understand the amount of pain I've suffered at your hands. And you don't understand me or my motives to respond, to question, to fear, to despair.
5:59 PM - You've missed something very fundamental about my character. And the tragedy of it all is how desperately I wanted you to see it...
December 3
12:38 AM - And sweet. I am back to being ignored. Awesome.
3:23 AM - There are things we have both said and done, some despicable, some wonderful, which cannot be unsaid or undone...
3:26 AM - Yet we have two options nonetheless. We can forgive. Or we can forget. The pain we have caused can seldom be forgotten but may, with grace, be forgiven.
3:31 AM - The love and joy we have shared, however, without the forgiveness of our wrongs, can only be forgotten. Then they become as if they never were.
3:27 AM - My gift is that of forgiveness, my curse one of remembrance. That is where the true pain lies: in the memory of what was that can never be so again.
6:19 AM - I find it easy to forgive your words and actions, all the lies, deceit, infidelity, disrespect, and resentment. I find it easy, however disappointed I may be.
6:24 AM - Because I am the one who pushed you to do, say, and feel those things. By my actions, I manifested exactly what I expected but, ironically, was my greatest fear.
6:28 AM - I needed to know how real your feelings were, how steadfast your promises could be. To what lengths and depths your love for me, me at my very worst, truly were.
6:34 AM - I know it may be hard to understand what I am saying. And if you do, you are perfectly justified in feeling revulsion...I am truly sorry for how I am.
6:40 AM - In the process of pushing the envelope ever further, I not only hurt you but I was forced to accept my own condemnation and self-hatred, risking too much.
6:45 AM - Because I risked losing you. I risked my stability, my independence, an entire life of events I strive for and desired to share with you.
6:49 AM - I destroyed my dream and I manipulated you into helping me turn it all to dust...though I wished you had held firm. I was desperate that you would.
6:53 AM - And so now I mourn the promising future that I pointlessly killed...and I despise myself for it and I am afraid of what I am able to allow myself to become.
6:57 AM - You don't have to forgive me for all the heartache I knowingly caused...I just ask that you remember me for what I was in the beginning and not what I ended as.
7:03 AM - I love you. I love you more than any other, living or dead, present or past. And for that reason, not out of egoistical or self-serving ideas, I regret it all.
7:06 AM - I could have remained the man you were drawn to, the man you fell in love with. I could have surpassed him. But I didn't. I forced myself to bury that man.
7:09 AM - And you deserve so much better than what I sickly perverted myself into. You deserve better.
10:32 AM - "Change your heart, look around you. Change your heart, it will astound you. I need your lovin', like the sunshine...but everybody's gotta learn sometimes..."
3:28 PM - Any response from you more than responding by ignoring my messages...would really mean a lot to me. I opened a gaping hole in my emotional security...
3:34 PM - It took a lot out of me to admit all of that to you...now your cold silence is making me feel like you think it unimportant, the ramblings of an ill mind...
3:38 PM - I started this series of texts more than 24 hours ago, probably the most texting I've done in so short a time, yet every one has gone unanswered.
3:42 PM - I know you have checked your phone during all that time, I know you are aware of at least portions of my confessions...
3:47 PM - And it feels cruel to me, to willingly leave me prostrated, imprisoned in silence, denied evidence that what I said matters in any way to you...
3:54 PM - I have no choice but to assume your deaf ear means that I have misplaced my emotions again...so I will leave you to move on. I will allow you to forget.
3:56 PM - I love you. And I'm sorry. Goodbye, Lady...
December 2
9:14 AM - I feel like an asshole for being unable to believe you for your word. However, openness, honesty, and your ability to keep your promises have been lacking...
9:22 AM - You just don't understand the amount of pain I've suffered at your hands. And you don't understand me or my motives to respond, to question, to fear, to despair.
5:59 PM - You've missed something very fundamental about my character. And the tragedy of it all is how desperately I wanted you to see it...
December 3
12:38 AM - And sweet. I am back to being ignored. Awesome.
3:23 AM - There are things we have both said and done, some despicable, some wonderful, which cannot be unsaid or undone...
3:26 AM - Yet we have two options nonetheless. We can forgive. Or we can forget. The pain we have caused can seldom be forgotten but may, with grace, be forgiven.
3:31 AM - The love and joy we have shared, however, without the forgiveness of our wrongs, can only be forgotten. Then they become as if they never were.
3:27 AM - My gift is that of forgiveness, my curse one of remembrance. That is where the true pain lies: in the memory of what was that can never be so again.
6:19 AM - I find it easy to forgive your words and actions, all the lies, deceit, infidelity, disrespect, and resentment. I find it easy, however disappointed I may be.
6:24 AM - Because I am the one who pushed you to do, say, and feel those things. By my actions, I manifested exactly what I expected but, ironically, was my greatest fear.
6:28 AM - I needed to know how real your feelings were, how steadfast your promises could be. To what lengths and depths your love for me, me at my very worst, truly were.
6:34 AM - I know it may be hard to understand what I am saying. And if you do, you are perfectly justified in feeling revulsion...I am truly sorry for how I am.
6:40 AM - In the process of pushing the envelope ever further, I not only hurt you but I was forced to accept my own condemnation and self-hatred, risking too much.
6:45 AM - Because I risked losing you. I risked my stability, my independence, an entire life of events I strive for and desired to share with you.
6:49 AM - I destroyed my dream and I manipulated you into helping me turn it all to dust...though I wished you had held firm. I was desperate that you would.
6:53 AM - And so now I mourn the promising future that I pointlessly killed...and I despise myself for it and I am afraid of what I am able to allow myself to become.
6:57 AM - You don't have to forgive me for all the heartache I knowingly caused...I just ask that you remember me for what I was in the beginning and not what I ended as.
7:03 AM - I love you. I love you more than any other, living or dead, present or past. And for that reason, not out of egoistical or self-serving ideas, I regret it all.
7:06 AM - I could have remained the man you were drawn to, the man you fell in love with. I could have surpassed him. But I didn't. I forced myself to bury that man.
7:09 AM - And you deserve so much better than what I sickly perverted myself into. You deserve better.
10:32 AM - "Change your heart, look around you. Change your heart, it will astound you. I need your lovin', like the sunshine...but everybody's gotta learn sometimes..."
3:28 PM - Any response from you more than responding by ignoring my messages...would really mean a lot to me. I opened a gaping hole in my emotional security...
3:34 PM - It took a lot out of me to admit all of that to you...now your cold silence is making me feel like you think it unimportant, the ramblings of an ill mind...
3:38 PM - I started this series of texts more than 24 hours ago, probably the most texting I've done in so short a time, yet every one has gone unanswered.
3:42 PM - I know you have checked your phone during all that time, I know you are aware of at least portions of my confessions...
3:47 PM - And it feels cruel to me, to willingly leave me prostrated, imprisoned in silence, denied evidence that what I said matters in any way to you...
3:54 PM - I have no choice but to assume your deaf ear means that I have misplaced my emotions again...so I will leave you to move on. I will allow you to forget.
3:56 PM - I love you. And I'm sorry. Goodbye, Lady...
