Attorney General William Barr was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Thursday afternoon after the remote-control implant in his brain briefly failed, the White House has confirmed. White House aides first noticed signs of the implant’s malfunction during an interview Barr gave to ABC News, after which the Attorney General was immediately strapped to a gurney and transported to Walter Reed. A team of surgeons was able to identify the problem with Barr’s implant after an examination revealed a “low-power issue,” a Walter Reed spokesperson said. After the surgeons replaced the tiny battery in Barr’s implant, the Attorney General appeared to be recovering well and was able to speak to reporters at his bedside.
 “Donald Trump is our greatest President,” he said, staring into the middle distance.
 The Borowitz Report