I was proud as a mexican with a social security number last night, gals, seeing my home state of Indiana hosting the Clinton/Osabama primates. It may have been a bunch of liberals that was up for the votes but it don't matter - we were helpin' choose the next President of thegreatestnationonearth!!! Course, I didn't play a direct part myself, what with me and Bob bein' lifelong right-thinkin' Republicans. But I watched it on television and I gotta tell you, I got a tingle down my spine and a lump in my throat as I thought how the whole world was tuning in to my home state at that very same moment, from Europe to China to London to Irak to Bangcock to them poor people livin' in mud huts across Africa. I like to think the whole world stops what it's doing at historiacal moments like this and says to itself: 'Now I understand why them Americans wanna invade our countries and make us all democracies.'

Course, it all went downhill right after the counting was done and Osabama and Clinton start gabbing. Did you see Hilary's speech? Sheesh, I thought she was gonna crumple into tears halfway through. It was like the Frickin Oscars, with all the people she was thanking. And there's Bill hovering in the background with that cheesy smile, pretending his wife's the cleverest chick on the planet and all the time mutterin to himself that he was a better frickin president than she'll ever get to be.

And have you noticed how Bill Clinton's always got a red face? Mary told me he'd got some kind of illness, like those jalapinos or albinos or whatever they're called who are all white and ain't got no eyebrows. Only his version comes with color. But I gotta tell ya, I know exactly what's causin' it, and it ain't no jalopecia - it's plain old simple shame. He stands there on the stage lookin to all the world like the lovin faithful husband, but he knows that we all know how he stained that Monica Lewdinsky's dress with his man-juices when he was COMMITTING CARNAL ADULTEROUS LUST-FILLED INTERCOURSE.

Now I gotta say in Hilary's defense, bein' cheated on don't make you a Bad Person. And I should know, what with my Bob carryin on with that miserable man-stealin silicon-breasted BITCH from the bowlin alley five years ago and causin us to move house and everything, and then having the itchin' problem in the downstairs department every few months afterwards. No, it don't always make you a bad person. But I think there are exceptional circumcises where it does matter if you've been cockolded - including when you're trying to be president of the thegreatestnationonearth. How can that woman run the waronterror and find out whether the Syrians is building nucular missiles and locate them WMDs in Irak and check that no terrorists are sneakin dirty bombs through our airports hidden in their turbans or their wife's gurkhas - how can she run all that global intelligence stuff when she don't even know her husband's got his pants down in the office next door getting inappropriate with the intern? That's what I wanna know.

It's like that Blind Guy who's took over as governer of New York after Elliot Spitzer did his UNSPEAKABLE THINGS. How can a blind guy run a whole frickin city? I mean, I admire him for trying and everything, but how's it work? He's sitting in a government meeting talking all grand and political and thinking he's the main man, and everyone around him's throwin paper at each other and mooning and givin him the finger and he don't know a thing about it!! And what happens when it comes to a vote? You tryin to tell me they all stick their hands in the air and his guide dog does the count? I dunno, gals. I'm just a simple all-American gal, but it don't seem right to me.