A little research unearthed all I needed to know about my regional manager, Falala Banana. Miss Banana is feared company-wide, and mostly because she can rip Capri pants with her calves Hulk-style at will. She is reputed to have killed underperforming employees with her toes.
But it turns out we have history.
Back in 2006, I met Mohamed "Chainsaw" Miller, a twenty-seven year old a six foot six behemoth, and a rabid football fan.
"Why aren't you in the NFL?" I asked.
He stared down at me for a second, thinking carefully.
"I never ate me no human pancreas before," he replied.
Glad to see we were on the same page, I instructed him to shave everything, and went on to forge his new birth certificate and enroll him into a junior high school to pursue a football scholarship.
Chainsaw Miller led the Ottawa Otters to five consecutive championships (yes, five -I recommended he flunk twice). But what I didn't know was that he was secretly being scouted by the Oakland Raiders. Chainsaw Miller wasn't ready for the "Big Leagues." For one, he couldn't read: he promptly screwed up a play and was blown up rushing center by Tyvon Branch, LaMarr Woodley, three cheerleaders embroiled in paternity lawsuits with him, and Julio Fernandez.
Julio Fernandez isn't even a Raider -he was just getting gas at a nearby convenience store.
Thus, Falala Banana was born.
