Dear Dedicated Readers (all five of you),
I had a long-ish Holiday update for you full of festive cheer, but elected to shitcan it at the last minute.
Serious.
It was bad ass. A 2000 word, halfway-finished monster. It had everything - from the attention grabbing (and slightly nasty) introductory anecdote, to the Jean Claude Van Damme splits-kick-to-your-jaw-climax. There was even a nail-biting Hollywood ending planned, full of explosions and Will Smith one-liners and shit.
Not to mention the poignant lesson learned by "I the Author." I mean, it wasn't all action and comedy.
It was action and comedy and Cider House Rules.
Also, the soundtrack would have rocked your socks off.
But I ended up getting ill at the last moment. I think it's the fuckin' chicken flu again...see the next installment of "Tales of The Beefy Enchilada", and wasn't in the mood to finish it.
So, like I said, the entry wound up in "never gonna be posted limbo."
Anyway, despite the fact that I'm stuck here on this fucking rusted-out tub somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, dying of the Goddamn chicken flu, I would like to wish you all a happy holiday season, regardless of your inferior race, your horse shit religion, or your irrelevant creed. Enjoy your time spent with your family and friends, the eggnog and the hot toddies, and carving up the Roast Beast or the Hanukkah Ham or the Kwanzaa Tuber.
On a serious note:
It's a well-known fact that I don't do holidays, but I feel the need to take a moment to mention the various "Mission to Seafarer's" organizations out there. Every year, these guys go out of their way to deliver gift baskets to dirty sailors like myself. It's nothing special, really: a safety razor, a stick of deodorant, a hand-made card from a 10-year-old Sunday Schooler. Maybe a mini-flashlight, if you're lucky.
And I'm glad it's nothing else. Because without the high price tag, one realizes how important the gesture is.
And when you notice it, you realize that the gesture far outweighs the stuff.
On behalf of all the dirty sailors out there, thanks, guys.
-Jb
CEO FTW, Inc.
12.23.05
Next time: Jb is back to his usual self; God. Damn. Heroics. gets a facelift (on all of its mirror sites) and becomes even MORE hostile; and a big list of stuff to do in the next year. Stay tuned, bitches.
