I fully attest to the fact that I possess a wicked temper and at times a bit of a mean streak. However, I’m not the type of testosterone gorged, knuckle dragging primate that goes around starting fights and feel no desire to stroke my machismo by vociferously proclaiming that I only finish them. In short, I’m not a particularly violent person. This is not to say that I don’t feel an inherent need at times to pummel certain exceptionally annoying people within an inch of their lives with an aluminum baseball bat or a steele-toed boot. Throughout my life I’ve chosen not to act upon this primal instinct for reasons of decorum, adherence to law and my general peace loving nature, but in hindsight have all too often regretted my restraint. At any rate, I don’t see myself abandoning this doctrine of non-aggression since it’s kept me out of trouble for so long, but that certainly doesn’t stop me from composing at least a partial list of specific names and types of people I deem worthy of a merciless beating.


1) Russell Crowe. I wish I had been the concierge he clocked with that phone, he’d be pissing into a plastic bag right now.

2) Michael Jackson for appearing in court dressed in his pj’s. I don’t entirely know why that bugs me so much, it just does.

3) Anybody involved in the creation of “Being Bobby Brown”.

4) The landlord that’s taken a year and a half to replace your broken dishwasher yet has the balls to leave you a snippy voice mail message when you’re a day late with the rent.

5) The thoughtless swine with no blinkers that cuts directly in front of you full speed on the highway.

6) The self-important snot that holds up one finger when he’s on his cell phone because he can’t be interrupted.

7) The bigoted dolts worried about immigrants taking away jobs they’d never apply for anyway.

8) The dimwits at the movies who yell at the actors on the screen.

9) The pinheads that consider farting on command to be comedic gold.

10) THE INSIPID CHAT ROOM LOSERS THAT CONSIDER TYPING IN CAPS OFFENSIVE.