Like the rest of the Internet, my blog is usually meaningless pap nobody needs. Once in awhile I insert a few valuable nuggets, but those days are rare; they depend on how much I weigh in the morning. If I'm fatter than usual I'm useless, but if I've hit a new low I'm inspired to reach new heights.

"How shallow," you must be thinking. But really, what can we control in life besides our own bodies, moods and actions? I can't even get my cat to do what I ask, like speak English. After all, he's got a larynx, he's lived with us for ten years and he's perfectly capable of making sounds, especially in the middle of the night. Would it kill him to squeak out an "I love you" occasionally?

Anyway, today's post is one of the good ones. Trust me.

10 Best Movies: Apollo 13, Defending Your Life, Adaptation, Leave No Trace, Inglorious Basterds, Birdman, Synechdoche, Captain Phillips, The Hangover, Django Unchained

9 Worst Foods: Cool Whip, Oreos, Boxed Sugary Breakfast Cereal, Caramel Apples, Fried Dough, Cotton Candy, Cheetos, Bottled Salad Dressing, Taffy

8 Most Harmful Celebrities: Nancy Pelosi, Anderson Cooper, Don Lemon, Hillary Clinton, Al Sharpton, Bill Maher, Whoopie Goldberg, Bill Clinton

4 Must-Read Books: Ethan Frome (Edith Wharton), The Lottery (Shirley Jackson), The Bonfire of the Vanities (Tom Wolfe), White Noise (Don DeLillo)