(Newswire) Salt Lake City, UT
Local religious hero and noted lighting rod the Angel Moroni stunned his loyal fans this morning with the announcement that he has renounced Mormonism to join a local ska outfit. The band, “Skankgoat,” confirmed the lineup change with a post to their Bandcamp page, saying they are excited by the dynamic sound of Moroni’s horn and his “take no prisoners” stage presence.
“I’ve totally lost my faith in the LDS religious organization,” said the Angel Moroni. “When you feel the beat inside you and you have all these officials telling you, ‘No, punk rock is the work of Satan’ you know something is wrong. How do you reconcile this internal certainty? I’m not their slave and they’re not my mouthpiece. It’s time I stopped standing on temples and started standing on my own volition.”
LDS officials were stunned by the resignation. “Moroni is as much a symbol of this religion as white people and pyramid schemes,” said LDS Grand Wizard Russell M. Nelson. “This is clearly a direct assault on the long held beliefs of the LDS faithful since 1830. We wish Moroni the best with his new career, but obviously he’s still a godless heathen apostate and will be appropriately ostracized from the community. Maybe worse. Sometimes the Silent Treatment and Guerrilla Baptisms don’t go far enough.”
The transition has been relatively easy for Moroni who says he was never really sure what former friend Joseph Smith was going on about but felt he should support him without asking too many questions. “Golden plates. Top hats. White Jewish tribes in America. God planets. Child brides. It seemed like a stretch, but I’d never seen him smile like that before so I just sorta went with it.”
“I asked to be stricken from Church records, which is when a Bishop told me they’d have to remove the Holy Spirit from my soul. It didn’t hurt as much as I thought.”
Mormon dissidents are reportedly systematically removed from the community and the family structure put in place since birth, often leading to depression and suicide. Since the LDS Church labeled gay couples apostates late last year there have been more than 40 suicides linked to the policy, many of the dead are children.
“That’s just wrong,” said Nelson. “Those 40 suicides are trying to frame Mormonism in a bad light. Mormons aren’t quitters, clearly those 40 people were never actually Mormon. It’s a shame they weren’t though. Now they’ll never be with their families in the Celestial Kingdom.”
“I’m excited to start the next part of my life, and Skankgoat is integral to that,” said Moroni. “The freedom of expression in ska and punk rock is exhilarating. I haven’t felt this jazzed since I was struck by lighting.”
Editors Note: Since publishing, Skankgoat has parted ways. Former members have subsequently created Skank Bank and a revitalized lineup of seminal J-Smitz & the Tabernasty Choir. Moroni is currently crashing on Jesus of Nazareth’s basement couch, nursing the porn habit that immediately manifested after leaving the Church.
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