I know what you're thinking. You're thinking there's no such thing and I'm here to tell you there absolutely is. When your mom has acute onset delirium and your Daughter is able to access e-books and video streaming independently, there absolutely is a thing as too much sex.

Let's start with my mom, shall we? We discussed via Facebook my mother's edict to my father last week. As he was leaving her hospital room for the day, he tenderly kissed my mom all over her face. It was a touching moment, watching this couple, married for nearly half a century and for more of their lives than not. The nurse's aide got emotional. I grasped for Husband's hand, my obvious thought that I hoped this would be us in 40 years. You know, minus the hospital stay.

"I love you," my mom said.

"I love you, too," my dad whispered.

"Take off your clothes. I want to see you naked," said my septuagenarian mom to my even more septuagenarian dad. That was the end of the tender moment and Husband's hand-holding. In fact, I don't think he'll ever hold my hand again. That exchange was only slightly more awkward than a moment with my dad that he is blissfully unaware of and which I will never share in a public forum. It didn't happened if it's not documented.

Things got worse over the weekend. My parent's neighbors of 40-plus years came to visit my mom. Mrs. Neighbor launched into a story about a time she had arrived - unannounced - at my parent's house. Midday. My mom was in a bathrobe. This was before my birth. Quite possibly nine months before my birth.

As if that story weren't bad enough - and despite my pleas to cease - Mrs. Neighbor then told a story about the time my mom, Mr. Neighbor, and a forgotten friend had gone skinny-dipping in Neighbor's pool during a party. I had the temerity to suggest that this episode was quite possibly nine months before my brother's birth. Nobody was amused.

The next day, my mom told me that a mysterious "they" had naked pictures of her. I couldn't suss out who "they" were, but she did tell me she was getting indicted for murder. I'm not sure if I prefer Sex Kitten Mom or Criminal Mastermind Mom, but the latter is probably more useful.

Friday night, we were all sitting around the hospital waiting room reminiscing about The Welcome Wagon. Aunt mentioned that the lineup at the police station was difficult since she hadn't been focused on the flasher's face. I didn't think twice about her comment, but Husband is smarter than I and he did. Did she really go to a lineup? he queried later. I wasn't sure, so I texted the question to
Aunt:

Aunt's totally unnecessary response.

I don't think I needed to know she could talk like that.

Daughter has not been as bad, but almost. She enjoys listening to audiobooks. She borrows them electronically from our local library. This service does not have parental controls, but she's a good kid and the app makes recommendations based on your previous selections. Daughter usually picks books about animals.

Last week, the book she selected was All I Want. The picture of  the book depicts a couple, running down a beach hand in hand, a dog keeping pace with them. I know Daughter picked it because of the dog in that picture. But that title...it made my Mommy Spidey Sense tingle. Amazon describes the book as being part of the "Animal Magnetism" series. The genre? Erotic fiction. Did I mention Daughter is ten years old?

I got to her before she listened to it.

What I was not so timely about was the movie she watched last weekend through a popular streaming service. This service does have parental controls. I have set them. So I was surprised when she came to me laughing about this very funny song in the movie. The lyrics tell an amusing story in which a fellow named Herman puts his sperm in a gal called Myrna.

"Do you know what that means?" I asked Daughter.

"No."

"Remember what I told you about the sperm and the egg?"

"Yes. Oh. I probably shouldn't watch that again." At least someone is parenting her because, as Husband pointed out, our parenting has fallen off the rails since my mom's hospitalization.

The worst part of this is that my (ahem) Myrna has not had much sperm to sing about. Not only does a sick mom make you not want to do it, but hearing about your parents doing it makes you not want to do it. But like I said, Husband is smarter than I. He has told his parents that I need to get away with him when this is all over.

That's too much sex I'll take.

Wendi's Binge of the Week:

I cannot say enough good things about FX's Fargo, so I'll focus on Jeffrey Donovan. As the quick-to-anger son of a Minnesotan crime boss, he is nothing short of brilliant. He's overdue for an Emmy for his work on Burn Notice - you should flog yourself if you didn't catch it during it's seven year run on USA. Fargo is fun, crazy, dramatic, and an anthology. Which means you don't need the first season to get the second season. But watch the first season anyway because Martin Freeman is simply incredible. Catch up on Fargo Season 2 at fx.com and On Demand. Fargo Season 1 and Burn Notice are available on Amazon, On Demand, and Hulu; Burn Notice is also on Netflix and usa.com.