Francis, the cat, is by the window silk, staring at the outside world.

The Pen approaches him, stealthily, intent on scaring the “bejesus” out of the resting cat.

Pen (grinning/yelling): SMELLY CAT!
Cat (unfazed): what do you want?
Pen:  wow… you´re in a good mood I see…

Cat: and why do you assume I´m in a bad mood?
Pen: you look like someone pissed on your magic milk.
Cat (what the…?): who in heck would do that?

Pen: How the hell should I know? I don´t keep track of your insane friends.
Cat: and you honestly think, I have the sort of friends that would piss in my drinking bowl?
Pen: I don´t know. You´re crazy, they´re crazy.

Cat: You just have to bad mouth everyone, don´t you?
Pen: I just tell the truth.

Cat: well, your truth isn´t always the actual truth. You have this annoying habit of twisting things and making them exceptionally annoying.

Pen: That´s your opinion.
Cat: it´s the truth.

The Pen rolls “its eyes”, dismissing the cat´s remark.

Pen: so anyways, what´s got into you?
Cat: what do you mean?
Pen: you´re incredibly bitchy this morning.

Cat: I´m not bitchy. I just have zero patience to deal with you right now.
Pen: and why is that?

Cat: Pen, I never have the patience to deal with you. You just assume I have an obligation to put up with you.

Pen: because you do.
Cat (surprised): what?
Pen: You have an obligation to enjoy my company whenever I see fit.
Cat: Jason loaded you up with bleach this time, didn´t he?

Pen: why would he do that?
Cat: because you´re definitely high on fumes.
Pen: high on what? Why would I be high?
Cat: You´re assuming I have an obligation towards you.

Pen: because you do.
Cat: how so?
Pen: you, my demented friend, are a lower being and I, as a higher being, believe you should indulge me in my demands.

Cat: You know I can swat you across the room with my paw whenever I see fit, don´t you?
Pen: no.
Cat (raises eyebrows): No?
Pen: no.

Cat: and why is that?
Pen: You´re a lower being, and as such…
Cat (interrupts): You´re an alien aren´t you?

Pen: stupid creature, what makes you say that?
Cat (ignores the question): It all makes sense now.
Pen: Francis, what the heck are you talking about?

Cat: You´re lonely.
Pen: I´m what?
Cat: Lonely. They left, and I´m guessing they purposely left YOU behind.
Pen: what?

Cat: Your family. That´s it. I finally figured it out.
Pen: The level of stupid you have reached astounds me, I swear to God.
Cat: you´re just saying that because you know I´m right.
Pen: oh are you now?

Cat: yes. You were left behind. They either forgot about you or they ditched you here to never see or hear from you again. Which, let´s be honest, it´s the most likely scenario.

Pen: Really? And tell me, oh all knowing higher being, why would they, in their infinite wisdom, leave me here in this (starts to yell) hell hole with a smelly cat that spends his days eating and drinking and farting?

Francis smiles defiantly.

Pen (cont./annoyed by the cat´s grin): WHY ARE YOU…?

Prrzzzzz… (fart, long and loud)

Pen (disgusted): … YOU! You are an awful, disgusting creature!

Francis just smiles and blows “it” a kiss.

Pen (the smell reaches hell/disgusted): oh my God!
Cat (mocking): you should have landed elsewhere. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Pen: filthy cat!

Cat: oh you love me.
Pen (about to pass out): No I don´t!

The Pen can´t stand the smell anymore and runs off.

Francis looks on to make sure the Pen is gone.

Cat (about to puke): oh God! I think I might have exaggerated a bit this time.

He gets up and runs off just as Jason is entering the room.

Jason (surprised): Francis… where are you… ? (smell hits him like a baseball bat to the nose) Oh God! Francis, not again!

Jason rushes to the nearby window and opens it wide. He sticks his head out and breaths deeply.

Jason (cont.): I swear that I could put a burning match to his ass and the whole house would catch fire…

The end.

2019_ Joana Teixeira