Francis the cat enters his house through the backdoor and makes his way to the kitchen.

He nears his water bowl and drinks feverously.

Cat (sated): ha…

He sits down with a distraught look in his eyes.

Cat (talking to himself): I´m screwed…

The Pen comes along but stops, staring at the pensive cat.

Pen: what´s the matter with you?
Cat: Oh hi…
Pen (surprised): hi?

Francis doesn´t respond.

The Pen nears him.

Pen (concerned): Francis? What´s the matter with you?
Cat: I´m in big, big trouble.
Pen: what did you break?

Cat (confused): break? Nothing!
Pen: Then why are you in trouble?

Francis doesn´t answer, he just looks at the Pen teary eyed.

Pen (worried): Francis? What´s the matter?
Cat: Jason´s going to kill me!

Pen: Oh please… That human loves you. Considering all the crap you´ve pulled over the years, and the fact that you drink every drop of alcohol that enters this house…

Cat: is there a point in your statement?
Pen: he adores you. Now tell me, what did you do?

Cat (sys): I´m…
Pen: yes?
Cat (exhales): ha…
Pen (loosing “its” patience): out with it already!

Cat: I´m pregnant.
Pen (dumbstruck):  say what now?
Cat: I’m pregnant…

The Pen, for the very first time in “its” existence, is at a loss for words.

Cat (exasperated/cont.): say something!

The Pen opens “its” mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

Cat (cont.): are you going to help me or not?
Pen: help you? With what?
Cat: I don´t know.
Pen:  Neither do I.

Francis exhales loudly in despair.

Pen (thinking of something): Francis?
Cat: yes?
Pen: do me a favor.
Cat: now?

Pen: yes. Just do it.
Cat: okay, what do you want?
Pen:  Get up.

Francis remains still.

Pen /cont.): I said get up you lazy cat!

Francis rolls his eyes in annoyance but complies.

Cat: fine, I´m up, what do you want now?
Pen: turn around…
Cat: what?
Pen: TURN AROUD!

Cat: jeez, you don´t need to yell!
Pen: just turn around already!

Francis turns his back to the Pen.

Pen (somewhat curious): lift your tail.
Cat (turns his head back): if you kick me, I´ll end you!
Pen: I´m trying to help you, you stupid creature!

Francis lifts his tail and The Pen “raises” his nonexistent brows.

Cat: what exactly are you looking for?

The Pen shakes “its” head in disbelief.

Francis, the cat, is panicking and drops his tail back down.

He turns back around and nears the Pen.

Cat: so?

The Pen looks up at him and sys in annoyance.

Cat (exasperated): say something!
Pen: just how stupid can you get?
Cat: I beg your pardon?
Pen: No pardon this time. What in this crazy head of yours makes you believe you´re pregnant?

Cat: I feel bloated.
Pen: You eat like a pig!
Cat: I have trouble walking, my joints hurt…

Pen: You´re overweight! That´s why everything in your body hurts.
Cat: I haven´t had my period In like, forever!

The Pen opens “its” mouth but the level of stupid is so great that even the almighty Pen is at a loss for words.

The Pen shakes “its” head in disbelief.

Cat: say something!

But the pen remains silent.

Cat: No “I told you so!”, or “ serves you well!”, or something?

The Pen just stares at Francis dumb folded.

Cat (exasperated): say something!

The Pen shakes “its” head, turns around and “glides” away, mumbling.

Cat: Pen?

The Pen ignores him and leaves.

Cat: Thanks for nothing!

He sys and then sits back down.

Cat (to himself): Jason is going to kill me!

Suddenly his stomach starts to growl.

Cat (panicking): Oh no! I think the baby´s coming! (yelling) Pen! Jason!

Francis gets up but is unable to walk.

He starts to feel pain all over his body and drops to the floor.

Cat (yelling): HELP!

He twists and turns but the level of pain is so great that he thinks he´s going to die.

Cat (yelling yet again): HELP!

Suddenly, from inside Francis comes out, not a litter of baby cats, but a huge and loud fart.

BBBRRBBRRR… (aka loud fart!)

Cat (sys in relief): ahh…

Francis tries to get up but ends up dropping back to the floor, tired from birthing a huge fart.

Cat: false alarm! I´m not pregnant!
Pen (from the other room/yelling): I know you stupid cat! I can smell you from over here!
Cat (laughing): Ha! Ha! Ha!

Jason enters the room and the awful smell hits him like a baseball bat to the nose.

Jason (yelling): good God Francis!
Cat: Oh hey, good news, I´m not pregnant.

Jason rushes to the window and opens it. He sticks his head out and breathes in deeply.

Jason: what the hell did you eat?
Cat: oh just this and that…

Jason ignores his cat and rushes to open all the windows in the house.

Cat (utterly clueless): why are you opening all the windows? It´s a bit chilly don´t you think?

Jason ignores him and continues opening windows.

Cat (cont.): oh well… on a positive note, not pregnant! Yay me. Ha! Ha! Ha!  I´m hungry.

The end!

2019_ Joana Teixeira